Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am stepping in to offer some support as the above expert has opted out. I am hoping that we can do some work together so that you can get the help you need. It is completely frustrating to experience what you are with your child especially since your others did not have this issue. That does not mean there is something wrong with him, just his frustration tolerance is different than the others.He is also doing his job as a 3 year old...testing the limits and seeing what he can and cannot control. Sometimes giving some little "wins" during the day on things that don't have big consequences for you can help him see that there are times when he gets choices and has some control over things.
I hear all that you say that he can't control the house and all that goes on around him and I agree with you wholeheartedly. And right now, believe it or not, the attention that is being given to this behavior is the exact thing that is allowing him to feel in control of all of it. So there are two very practical things you can do to begin to get this behavior to calm down. the reason why it has gotten worse is that he knows the more he protests, the more attention, even negative, is being given to him. I would minimize the explanations as he is just too young to get it all. short sentences with what you want from him and a very clear consequence. Such as, it is time to put your shoes on and if you don't put your shoes on then you will lose your (insert favorite toy here) if he continues to protest, you do not respond verbally but you let him see you take the favorite toy and place it for safe keeping. He is guaranteed to go nuts and up the ante with louder and longer protests. Say nothing and walk away just making sure he is safe as are your other children. Go do another project with your other kids and let him see that he gets NO attention for any of it. It will be hard as your blood is boiling not to react but in time he will learn that he gets nothing by this behavior. if he walks over to the activity you are doing with your other kids do not scold him or explain what he did wrong, just gently begin to include him in the activity. He learns, I get nothing when I am tantruming but get everything when I am calm. This takes some time but if you are consistent with every aspect of what I am suggesting then in a few weeks things will get better. you and your husband must be on the same page about it all so neither of you react. I don't blame you as it is so very hard and you just want to scream...but that is attention and energy and it continues to feed the behavior. you no longer want to feed the behavior. You want to feed his calm behavior by acknowledging him in that way such as the above example. Let him scream in his room and send the other kids outside so they can get some break from it. you put some headsets on and listen to some calming music while also paying attention that he is not injuring himself. if you see behavior that needs attention so that he doesnt hurt himself then walk in, remove the danger but don't say anything at all. So to sum it up...no energy to it at all. Short sentence without explanations only if you don't do this then this will happen. Then silence and leave the room.
There are a few resources I would also like to include for you to look at when you have a moment. http://drrandycale.com/ He has some incredible work in this area. the other is a book on tantrums. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0738211672/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=5754926545&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11694125011208675982&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&ref=pd_sl_1s0lq18pu_e
Touch base and let me know your thoughts on the above stuff and we can continue the dialog. It is also crucial that you take time for yourself when possible as this is a very tough time and nobody tells you how hard it can be with a 3 year old. They all talk about the terrible twos, but in my experience 3 can be more difficult. I look forward to your thoughts. Jen