The first thing is that you have to do sure that you are clear in your own mind as to what standards of behaviour are acceptable, and which are not. Then she has to learn to meet those standards. Think about things like staying off drugs, controlling her temper, showing respect, and so on.
Make sure that she understands that you are NOT just going to hang in there, that you are not going to tolerate it further.
People like her try to be manipulative, but when they see that their attempts to manipulate by way of withdrawal, guilt, anger or intimidation are not working, they learn to change What your daughter needs are firm boundaries. Being ‘soft’ just makes you easier to manipulate, and anger just teaches her to be angry when she in turn is faced with a difficult situation.
She is quite old enough to know about actions and consequences. We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Therefore, you have to give her reason to change – otherwise she will not. Why should she – she has things just as she wants them right now.
Here is the clue to sorting things out. When you are faced with non-co-operation – give her choices, and make sure she understands the consequences of her choice – and always follow through. If you don’t she’ll just get confused.
She needs to be taught if she wishes to have a comfortable life she has to start acting responsibly and reasonably.
Never get angry, stay cool and in control, matter of fact and stick to the facts. Avoid drama.
Never, never be blaming or accusatory. Tell her how you feel about her behaviour, and make sure she understands that while you love her, her bad behaviour is hurtful and will not be accepted.
Make sure though that when she does do something well, that she gets credit for it. Any successes are to be praised!
I think you are doing the right thing sitting down with her, and as for talking the car away, I would keep that in reserve, but make it clear to her that that will be the next step if she does not sort herself out.
The laws of committal vary from State to State, but in general there are broad similarities.
Committal is a legal means of providing individuals with emergency services and temporary detention for mental health evaluation and treatment when required. It can be voluntary or involuntary.
A voluntary committal is when a person 18 years of age or older, or a parent or guardian of a person age 17 or under, applies for admission to a facility for observation, diagnosis or treatment freely and of their own accord
An involuntary committal is when a person is taken to a facility for involuntary examination.
This can only be done when :
There is reason to believe that he or she is mentally ill and because of his or her mental illness
The person has refused voluntary examination and
The person is unable to determine for himself or herself whether examination is necessary and without care or treatment, and the person is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for himself or herself and such refusal could pose a threat of harm to his or her well being, and there is a substantial likelihood that without care or treatment, the person will cause serious bodily harm to himself, herself or others in the near future as evidenced by recent behavior.
A person may not be detained for more than 72 hours.
A law enforcement officer may take an individual to a facility for evaluation if he has reason to believe that the individual's behavior meets the statutory guidelines for involuntary examination.
If a person is willing to swear in a Petition for Involuntary Examination that he has personally witnessed an individual causing harm to themselves or others, an "ExParte" for an Involuntary Examination can be made.
A person may not be detained for more than 72 hours on primary committal.
These are general guidelines, and you should get legal advice as to what specifically applies in your State.