My 14 year old son steals, lies and wont do anything I ask,

Adolescence represents a turbulent, fearful time for children who are not confident they will be successful in meeting the growing and pending responsibilities of the adulthood. Even though such self-doubt exists, the adolescent child still needs and seeks greater independence as well as a sense of privacy. Your son appears to be reacting with great fear to the developmental changes in his life. Neither rewards nor punishments will get at the heart of the problem. As long as his confidence is low and his fear is high, he will likely continue to act out in some of the ways you have described. Although it is difficult for a parent enduring these kinds of negative behaviors, he needs you to help him discover and nurture his strengths--the strengths that will help him become a happy, well-adjusted, contributing adult. As parents, we must help our children connect their strengths and interests to needs in the larger world. If you can assist him in finding even isolated instances of purposefulness, you will be helping him to alleviate the kinds of fears that produce his angry reactions. So, instead of focusing upon the negatives, you would begin to recognize the positives about him. You could start by listing the positive traits, talents, etc. you feel your son possesses. If the negative behaviors have persisted for any length of time, you may find this exercise to be challenging. You may find that you can only think in terms of negatives about him. He is likely having the same difficulty seeing the good about himself. So this part is up to you--he does still need you!

Sometimes more creative children will, at this age, begin feeling isolated from their age mates. Perhaps he is being bullied or not performing well in his school work. These kinds of situations need to be dealt with individually at the same time you are working to recognize and develop his unique strengths.

On the other hand, you must also work to help him develop more appropriate responses to disagreements or disappointments. Sometimes counseling or anger management classes can help an adolescent learn to control hurtful behaviors. I would not try to expose him to any kind of “scared straight” situations at this point. After all, if fear and aloneness is the greatest motivator of his negative behaviors--then such programs would likely create more negative behavior. You certainly do not want him to accept an image of himself as someone who is abusive. Rather, you want to redirect him to the positive things about himself. He needs to know that you love him; you recognize his strengths; you believe he has what it takes to become a successful adult.

Your son will become an adult, whether he is ready or not. The situation can change over the course of the next year--I hope you can motivate change in the right direction. Gook luck to you and your family.