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My son is 11, soon to be 12, and is entering 6th grade. Our

marriage is intact, he has...
My son is 11, soon to be 12, and is entering 6th grade. Our marriage is intact, he has one older sister (2 years older), we have no financial hardship issues, and we have lived in our house since before he was born, so he has a very stable home life. He is outgoing at school, a member of the student council and well liked by his peers. He is comfortable with adults, well spoken and a good public speaker. He gets good grades, though not straight A's and his teachers like him. Sounds ideal? I am actually very worried about him. He avoids people whenever he can. If it were up to him he would never leave the house. He hates school, and he tends to be bored with it. He is very anti-social, though not in the clinical sense, more that he will avoid being around people even if they are friends and family. He is also very focussed on things (objects) and money, and seems to hold these in much higher regard than people. If he didn't get an extra doughnut, we hear about it for DAYS. If I borrow a quarter for the tolls, he will ask for it to be repayed constantly, even though he knows I can't get it until we get where we are going. If his sister did the dishes and had 2 fewer pans to clean trhan he did yesterday, he will complain for DAYS. He has a very strict accounting of all things that the rest of us consider to be trivial. We spent the weekend on a camping trip with several other families and all the kids (about 18) played together and had a great time....except him. One of his classmates (a friend) was on the trip and he barely spoke to him. He is a study in contrasts and has been like this for years. I keep waiting for him to become more people-centered, but now I am worried that I ahve waited too long. What he is never able to make meaningful relationships?
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Answered in 27 minutes by:
8/17/2012
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to help you with your question this evening.

earthsister :

I myself have two sons, ages 11 and 12, soon to be thirteen, so I can relate to this age group very well at the moment. I also work with children his age as a basketball coach and home child care provider, and have for years as a youth counselor at the YMCA, and I know the kind of personality that you are referring to.

earthsister :

You say that he is out going in school. How is he with his peers at school? And does he have any friends?

Customer:

Whenever I have seen him interacting on the playground he seems to have lots of friends. We live in a small town and there are only 12 boys in his grade. Most of them play together at recess and he is one of the leaders. His teachers don't see any issues socially. Outide of school is a different matter. He is getting a cell phone because of a change in my work schedule and he doesn't want a phone with a keyboard because he won't be texting anyone. He has no desire to connect.


 

earthsister :

Does he have any other activities that he has interest in, such as sports, music, or computers? It does sound as though he is very interested in money.

Customer:

He loves baseball, and will be playing "fall ball" in september. He is WAY too into TV and computers, he automatically turns on electronics even if he is not using them, although the extent of his computer use is watching youtube. He is heavily into money, almost like hoarding.

earthsister :

I do as well think that his being withdrawn is something of concern. Have you asked him specificlly why he doesn't want to be around others? And how long has he been doing this?

Customer:

He has been like this for years. As to why, he is very "shruggy" and says he just doesn't want to be with other kids. I can't really get good answers. Lately he gets a blank look in his eyes when I talk to him about something he doesn't want to talk about. Like he is shutting down.

earthsister :

I think that it would be a good idea to seek the assistance of your son's doctor or pediatrician in finding a therapist who can help get your son to open up. There may even be some form of therapy camp available, with other children your son's age, who may be experiencing similar issues. This may be a good way to get him involved with others, not approach the situation as if he needs clinical help, and help the overall situation.

earthsister :

It also would be a good idea to bring your son's behavior up to his doctor or pediatrician in general, so that any possible medical concerns that may cause him to be withdrawn can be ruled out.

Customer:

Thanks. I wasn't sure if he needed professional help or not. I just feel I can't ignore this any longer.

earthsister :

No problem. I think that as parents, we can sometimes avoid seeking outside help, because we feel that we can handle the issues ourselves, but the truth is that we all need help sometimes, especially if it involves helping our children.

earthsister :

I also recommend seeing if your son may want to be involved in other extra curricular activities along with baseball. He sounds like a future business man; check with a school counselor to see if there are any business programs for youth or classes that he may be able to take at a community college. He may be able to discover a business that he wants to open himself; and as a business man, he will have to learn to socialize with others.

Customer:

Actually he wants to be a writer. He has started writing a book. He thinks its a book, but its really more of a plot outline. Once again, a solitary endeavor. He says he wants to take acting classes and there is a drama program at the middle school (next year) so when he is old enough I will get him involved in that. There is nothing available for his age group yet but next year he can start.

earthsister :

All of that sounds great! It sounds like he does want to be involved in things, but it's just the people that he doesn't want involvement with; and I can understand that, because people can be unpredictable and cruel; however it is necessary to deal with others in life. Those sound like good things for him to get involved in. Some children are personable, and may only have 1 or 2 close friends in life. Perhaps with some of these new activities, he will run across the kind of personality that he enjoys being around. Meantime, try not to pressure him to be around others; allow him his space; but do look into his being withdrawn with a professional who can help best.

earthsister :

This website, Good Therapy.org, is also a good way to find a therapist by zip code, and you can do an advanced search to find the specific therapist that suites your needs: www.goodtherapy.org

Customer:

OK, thanks for you insights. It helps to get a fresh perspective.

earthsister :

I am more than happy to help. If you need any other assistance with this issue, please don't hesitate to ask. If you do feel that I have been of assistance, I greatly appreciate to be rated highly. If you need more insight, please let me know. Thank you for consulting JustAnswer.

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified
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Hi

I'm just following up with you to see how everything is going. Did my answer help? And thanks for the bonus! Let me know if you need any help in the future. Thanks again.


earthsister
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earthsister
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
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Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.

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