Parenting

Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Parenting
This answer was rated:

I will try to make this as short as possible. Our daughter

first got married at age...
I will try to make this as short as possible. Our daughter first got married at age 21 1/2. It only lasted 3 years due to problems concerning whether or not they each wanted children.
Soon after her divorce, she dated a man who lost his job, and she basically supported him. She also charged his "interview clothing" on her credit card. They broke up and she was stuck with the bills.
She is currently 27 yrs. old and has been engaged for 6 mo. to a guy she's known for 9 years. (We had never met him before.) He was laid-off from his job in Jan. and has yet to find another. We've noticed that although we live in the same town, we see less and less of her, and when they occasionally come for dinner, they show up late and leave early. We do not feel like we know this guy at all, but they got engaged Dec. 2011 and are getting married Dec. 1, 2012.
We've made efforts to meet his parents, but so far, they haven't set up a date to meet us. Her formerly great relationship with her older brother (age 30) is suffering.
Just recently we were told that "rumor has it" that her fiancee' sits home all day smoking pot and recently got a permit for "medical marijuana". We know of no illness he has that would warrant that.
Although we have continually expressed concern to our daughter over marrying a man who is not employed, she no longer listens to us. Now that there might be drugs in the mix, what on earth can we do??? I already see this second marriage as a failure and don't know how to convince her to not go through with it. Frustrated mom (& dad).
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Answered in 22 minutes by:
7/30/2012
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
Verified
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your daughter and her fiancé. I wish I had a magic wand for you to wave and make all things much better.

However, your daughter is an adult and makes her own decisions. Although they may not be to your liking, there is really not much you can do but to grin and accept it. If the marriage fails like the other one, hopefully she will learn from her mistake.

I do get the sense that the men are attracted to your daughter because she is the provider...financially, emotionally, and assumingly sexually. They do not have to contribute much to the relationship because your daughter does it all. Marriage should be 50/50 and your daughter should not be settling for anything less.

Maybe your husband can go out to lunch with your daughter's fiancé and try to get to know him. Maybe your son can join them as well.

Additionally if the fiancé's parents live close, maybe they can come over for a Labor Day BBQ. That gives them enough notice.

I do feel your pain. Hopefully, you are not putting forth much money for this wedding especially since you do not feel that it is right.

If you are religious, ask God to pray for your daughter, her fiancé, your heart to be softened toward their relationship, and a feeling of acceptance. Additionally, pastoral counseling may help.

If you are not religious, accept your daughter's decision. Tell her that you hope she does not go down the same path as before and she needs to make sure this is Mr. Right. She may just be a woman who needs to feel attached to someone all the time.

Maybe her loving brother can have a heart to heart conversation with her.

She needs to see what is really happening in this situation. There may even be a trusted friend who can shed some light on this.

Stay encouraged. She is not married yet! Decide upon who might be able to break through to your daughter and then go from there.

Hopefully I have met your expectations. If not, feel free to continue our chat. My goal is to provide you with nothing but excellent service.

Have a great day!
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I totally agree that our daughter feels she needs to be attached to a man all the time. I've yet to figure out why. She won't even give us the phone numbers of his divorced (but still friendly) parents. When I tell he I'd like to invite them for dinner at our home, she says, ""We've talked about it, and would rather meet at a restaurant." I've agreed to that, but can't get a date out of her, nor can I invite these people myself without their phone numbers. An important event that I forgot to mention was that last month, our daughter, her fiancee', and his mother (who lives with them) all got arrested. They were supposedly "just watching his brother's ex-wife remove her property from their foreclosed upon house" but somehow were arrested for obstruction of justice. Our daughter has never been in trouble of any kind and I am a retired deputy sheriff. I realize she's an adult and can make her own decisions, but our family is so upset over this impending wedding. We are not paying for anything (since we paid for her first wedding) and because he's not working, she's paying for it. She works as a nanny and does not make alot of money.
Oh wow....not a good situation overall. It sounds as though you raised her in the correct manner but she finds excitement in the "bad boy" type of men. She probably thrives on any type of drama.

I also get the feeling that her fiancé's family is probably "from the other side of the tracks.". She is probably embarrassed that they are not up to your standards just like her fiancé is not up to your standards. That is why she does not want you to meet them.

Unfortunately, this wedding may not last...which is sad to say because there are too many red flags.

But what can you really do? You have done everything right. You have been cordial to her fiancé. You have voiced your true feelings. You have expressed meeting the finance's parents. Your daughter is not giving much in return. Ask her why again.

I do not foresee this wedding as being a very happy one from your perspective. Some parents probably would be so disgusted and not even attend the wedding. However, you still want to be somewhat supportive of your daughter because if the marriage fails, she will need you.

Additionally, having the fiancé's mother in the picture is not good at all. I hate to say it, but there may be some "brainwashing" involved which makes your daughter think that everything is fine.

Just do the best that you can and stay positive. Hopefully, something will break through and your daughter will have a change of heart sooner than later.

Maybe you can try spending more mother daughter time with your daughter. She may feel trapped in this relationship and is afraid to get out....especially if there is any kind of emotional or physical abuse.

Just pay attention to things she says and how she acts. There may be much more to this relationship than meets the eye.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
Verified
proexpert37 and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Thank you so kindly. In the coming months, please let me know how things are going.

Take care!
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
And.....I truly appreciate the bonus :)

Happy Monday!
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Ask proexpert37 Your Own Question
proexpert37
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
1,374 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor

proexpert37 is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Cher

Cher

Teacher

94 satisfied customers

Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2

Jennifer

Jennifer

School Psychologist

77 satisfied customers

Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.

professional_Alison

professional_Alison

Child Care

77 satisfied customers

Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

40 satisfied customers

Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Doctor

38 satisfied customers

PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy

Eveningstargazer

Eveningstargazer

Family Counselor

31 satisfied customers

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Family Counselor

21 satisfied customers

Licensed social worker and psychotherapist

< Previous | Next >

Related Parenting Questions
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher is preparing our child for a dance competition. She keeps telling the child not to be nervous , not to be afraid. It seems to produce an opp… read more
Gaurav Gupta
Gaurav Gupta
MD, CEO
Post-Doctoral Degree
22 satisfied customers
I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year
Hi Pearl I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year old boy. I would like to get some advice on how to calmly handle my two year old. He is quite a handful, and it gets especially frust… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her grandparents). My current wife (her stepmom) and I are visiting my parents for the holidays with our two daughters. My daughter who lives w… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my boyfriend and I, we live together, and one of her biggest issues is that she doesn't stop lying, her lies go from “I didn't do it-to lying to… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with us. I've been with her mom for 10 years now and this child now adult has always been very selfish. She puts herself first for everything and … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as dysgraphia) which was diagnosed in grade one, but through the psych assessment we also learned he has extremely high cognitive ability. For … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to
i have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to teach him discipline because i don't wanna spank or hit. So ive been introducing tasks around the house. And geting him to say yes sir and no s… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has
Hi, I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has started spreading untruths this is a brief only Thank you janys… read more
CamilleRN
CamilleRN
Registered Nurse, Director of Nursing
4,150 satisfied customers
Dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think
dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think but when ever we will ask him to study he dont like. he make the face and you fell that he is sick. he sit long time for one subject to do hi… read more
danny541
danny541
Retired
608 satisfied customers
I raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me,
i raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me, to build a strong bond. i was a young single mom and did the best i knew how. i then ended up introducing someone into both of our lives th… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in school. I have put him on punishment, and he knows I am in constant contact with his teacher. It is not that he can't do his work, it is that he… read more
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Consultant Pediatrician
Doctoral Degree
2,245 satisfied customers
Whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in
whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in the orange county and LA area.… read more
Michael
Michael
Research Librarian
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
81 satisfied customers
This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a
(This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a parenting expert. I have a 5 year old pre-adoptive child in my home. I am her 5th placement in 3 years. This week, she received a diagnosis of… read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Associate Professor of Communication
Doctoral Degree
102 satisfied customers
My three year old turning four in September still isn't
my three year old turning four in September still isn't potty trained. When he was two and a half his grandmother saw that he accidentally pooped his pants had lost her mind held him on the toilet and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step son argues with me about everything I say. I'm tired
I'm tired of it and want to say something in a loving way … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed away, she disinherited her daughter, B.D. *******, because B.D. ****** wrote a book about her saying that she was a drunk and all of that. In … read more
LegalGems
LegalGems
Juris Doctorate
10,647 satisfied customers
Far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled" Eyre"
far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. In chapter one, ***** *****, the son of the Reed family, scolds Jane Eyre for reading one of the Reed family's boo… read more
Cher
Cher
Teacher
Masters Degree
94 satisfied customers
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl who will be 6 y/o on March, 2018 and my son who will be 3 years old this month (nov, 2017).Their personalities are very different and I'm very… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x