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Ihave 2 teen age boys. One 18 and one 15 years.Their father

and I split nearly 3...
Ihave 2 teen age boys. One 18 and one 15 years.Their father and I split nearly 3 years ago. When we split bith children lived with me, until I enforced a punishment (my 15 yr old) by taking his bikeoff him for bad behaviour, long story short, Their father came and picked them up and took the both. My older son came back but my younger one would have nothing to do with me for nearly a year.It near killed me! last September he was asked to leave the school because of his behaviour. His father kicked him out and he asked if he could come home. His father is a very angry man, mainly with me, and a chronic drinker, and also a G>P> with plenty of money. Last October we left the town we lived in and moved 5 hrs away. He was hanging out with the wrong types and had no disapline from his father. We moved to a quite area where he has come so far, cleaned up his act got a good job and although he is hard work I am very pleased with his progress. He got angry at me for something yesterday and swore at me, again!!! my partner was visiting and said to him that he does;t like hearing him speak to me that way. It is the first time in 18 months he has said anything to him about his behaviour. Next thing hes packing his bags and saying he is going back to live with his father and daddy said he could, he'd even find him a job.
His father doesnt want him, it is only to hurt me. My other son lives with his girlfriend, which is much better than with his father. Itf he goes back again he will most likely go back to his old ways. I can not bear to loose him again, please help me. Thank you Monica
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Answered in 24 minutes by:
7/30/2012
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to help you with your situation.

earthsister :

I understand that you must be frustrated with your son, yet concerned about him at the same time.

earthsister :

Is there any kind of working communicable relationship between you and his father?

earthsister :

The reason I ask because it seems that although his father may not discipline him, part of his form of discipline was kicking him out of his home when he was kicked out of school. His father needs to understand that him lack of discipline at home is a reflection of how he behaves in school; so discipline is a must, and if you can communicate that to him, I recommend to do so.

earthsister :

excuse me, his lack of discipline

earthsister :

Meanwhile, your son is at the age of seeking independence, growing from a boy to a man; and although he completely disrespected you in cursing at you, he probably felt his independence threatened by your partner speaking up on your behalf.

earthsister :

Your son is old enough to begin making decisions for himself, such as who he wants to live with, and attempting to take that freedom of choice from him by forcing him to return to you in some way can only make your relationship with him more difficult. Be prepared for him to return to you again, because it is very possible that his father will get fed up with him again or vice versa. Keep the lines of communication open with your son. When you can speak to him again, let him know that he is always welcomed home, and you love him very much, but if he is to stay with you, respecting you is a must.

earthsister :

Again, if there is any kind of communication that exists between your son's father and yourself, express to him your concern about his behavior, and how you think it is necessary to develop some universal form of discipline that your son can expect regardless to who he lives with, that will help eliminate bad behavior at home and in school.

Customer:

Unfortunately not, he has taken me through the courts for the past 3 years. I do encourage my son to be in touch with his father, yet everytime I take him tovisit, he goes backwards again. Yes I agree with all that you say however there is only one thing his father wants is to get me. He doesn't care how he does it. He is an extremely nasty person who is hell bent on distroying me at any cost and knows how much I love my son;s . He doesnt see that he is hurting them with his behaviour.


When my son moved here with me he said "thanks Mum, I probably would be dead in a gutter somewhere' if he had stayed where he was, I'm not prepared to take that risk again.

earthsister :

I see

earthsister :

I am sorry that you feel that I have been of no assistance. I would like to continue to try and help you, as it seems that you have agreed with all that I said. Perhaps with a little more insight on the situation (in the form of answers to my previous two inquiries), I can help you better than you feel that I have already. I do ask that you give me the opportunity to help, as a negative rating of "poor service" for myself, and no help toward your situation is not the outcome that I would like for either of us.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
i do not wish to give you a bad rating, but your comments are all things I already know. I am looking for new ways to work on things with him. His father only communicates with me by texting abuse afer 10pm when he is drunk. One of the reasons we are not together is that disapline is something we are totally poles apart on. If Ii could get it through to him I would. I would like a respectful relationship with him, ut that is not on his agenda. If there is some other adivce you can give I would be happy with that, but getting through to this angry man is not going to happen. Thank you.
I thank you for your consideration, and I do understand your frustration with this issue. You have mentioned that you have spoken to your son, and this I think is the best option. What your son may have really found upsetting that made him want to leave was the fact that your partner spoke to him. One possible option, if your son and your partner have any kind of relationship, is to get your partner to talk to your son, not to try to change the way that he behaves, but to convince him to stay, or come back home. He could bring up the situation where he spoke to your son, and apologize for intervening because he does not want to come between him and yourself, and further explain, that he spoke up because he knows that your son is a respectable young man, and loves you a lot, just as you love him.He can of course further ad, your mom really wants you to stay with her, she's concerned about you, and loves you very much. If this does not seem optional, perhaps your son's older brother could be used as an ally to help convince him. Good to mention would be how he admitted to you that you saved his life by taking him back before. These are just options that I'm thinking of, I know that you are trying to get some new ideas. If your son may at all be willing, enrolling in family counseling to help stabilize your relationship may be a good consideration. Goodtherapy.org has a long list of therapists around the nation that you can search for by zip code, and in regards XXXXX XXXXX family's needs: http://www.goodtherapy.org/

I do have to step away from the computer briefly, however I do want to help dig further into solutions to help you. If you have any other concerns, please let me know. I will do my best to help you further upon my return. Thank you again.
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified
earthsister and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
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I do want to also mention that you can use the advanced search option on Goodtherapy.org to find a list of therapists in Australia.
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified
earthsister and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
I thank you most kindly for the positive rating, and I do truly hope that my suggestions aid you in this situation with your son. If you ever need any new input, on this or another parenting issue, please don't hesitate to message for "earthsister." I wish you and your family the best!
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earthsister
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
141 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.

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