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earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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Me and partner are going through a bad phase. I have asked

Customer Question

Me and partner are going through a bad phase. I have asked him not to argue in front of the kids and not to tell he hates me in the front of the kids but he pays no attention. What should I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. This is a situation that is serious and sounds as though it is getting to an extreme point. Is to possible for you to take the kids and physically leave when he gets upset and begins to escalate his attitude? Is your marriage beginning to fail because of this? I am wondering how you are feeling about that part of it and if you are thinking about ending the relationship because of this. The kids are of course the most important part of this equation. If it isn't possible for you to leave and he gets extreme with his actions to the point where you are afraid, you should consider also responding in an extreme way and think about calling the police to come calm him down. In some areas, this action will put a report in that he has been verbally abusive and may require him to attend some sort of anger management or other counseling to help him realize how destructive his behavior is to the family.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello. That answer made me think a lot. I am happy with your expertise but feel I need to think a lot now about what to do next.

Kind Regards,

Expert:  earthsister replied 5 years ago.
Hello, I would like to try and assist you. I definitely recommend you leaving with the children if you feel in any way physically in danger. It sounds as though these are verbal and emotional arguments as of now, but that is generally how physical altercations begin. Approach your partner when the two of you are on good terms. Ask him if there is anything on his mind that has been troubling him (that you are unaware of). Let him know that you are concerned about your relationship because of the yelling and arguing. Let him know that you want your children to be better in their future relationships than the two of you are, and that you do not think that arguing in their presence is the way to do it. Of course the best thing to do would be to agree only to argue in private, and of course with some rules (no name calling, yelling (raising of the voice is understood), taking turns and listening to the other for a certain time frame (at least 5 minutes or so), and no saying "I hate you." If either of you truly hated each other, you would not (or at least should not) be together- and let him know that. Try not to make it seem as though he is the one completely at fault; recognize your faults in the situation, and make suggestions and follow through with them, of how you can improve yourself; let this leave the door open for him to suggest his own improvements as well. As for the children, whenever they do witness the two of you argue, apologize to them, and explain to them that mommy and daddy have been disagreeing as of lately, and that the two of you are working to fix your problems and not argue in front of them. Maybe this will be encouraging to him as well. Overall, if your partner is completely uncooperative, and you feel that his emotions are beginning to rage, do what is best for your children and leave from that hostile environment. I do hope my answer has been somewhat helpful. If you need any further clarification, or if you think I have not provided a sufficient answer, please message for "earthsister." I wish you the best.