Parenting

Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Parenting

Hi. I am Divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. My ex is

Customer Question
Hi. I am Divorced...
Hi. I am Divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. My ex is believed to have a Personality Disorder - so it has been a rough road since we split when my daughter was age 2 years and 4 months. Anyways.... the latest is that he won't follow a set Visitation Schedule. This is bad for my daughter because when he doesn't show up for Visitation, she is diappointed. And the few times that we do make contact - he has lame excuses about going to the Gym, or Parties, or 'still being asleep.' I am wondering what is worst: Scenario 1 where my daughter sees her Father whenever he 'feels' like it which will subject her to chronic disappointment because he will flake all the time, or Scenario 2 where I hold him to follow the court order which requires a set Visitation Schedule which has resulted in his just not seeing her at all for 4 weeks now which I fear may result in his just not seeing her ever again altogether... ??? Which is worst? What do I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Parenting
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Answered in 2 minutes by:
5/25/2012
Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified

earthsister :

Good evening/early morning, I will do my best to assist you.

Customer:

ok

earthsister :

Decisions that involve another parent and custody/visitation can be rough, I can relate. My honest opinion is that every child needs a father in his or her life; as long as his presence is not harming the child, a child needs to know and have interaction with both parents in order to have the best opportunity at understanding themselves as they grow into adulthood.

Customer:

hmmm

Customer:

i agree

Customer:

but he flakes 24/7

Customer:

that is emotional harm

earthsister :

How has your daughter been holding up without seeing him these past four weeks?

Customer:

big time

Customer:

no?

Customer:

she has been donig okay

Customer:

asks for him here and there

Customer:

but i told her

Customer:

he went on a trip

Customer:

for a while

Customer:

so she at least thinks

Customer:

he is away for good reason

earthsister :

no phone calls or anything from him?

Customer:

he stopped by twice

Customer:

two saturdays ina row

Customer:

but did weird stuff

earthsister :

ok, that's a start. Did he see her?

Customer:

like dropped off a dollhoues

Customer:

unassebled

Customer:

with my friend who answered the door

Customer:

also a note in crayon in the mailbox

earthsister :

was it a new doll house? a gift?

Customer:

saying daddy loves you

Customer:

and some health insurance cars

Customer:

a gift

Customer:

yes

Customer:

unassembled

earthsister :

awe. he loves her!

Customer:

he does

Customer:

a lot

Customer:

but he has deep anger management issues

Customer:

and a huge ego

Customer:

he hates me

Customer:

and is letting her suffer

Customer:

just because i am holding him to a scheudle

earthsister :

I definitely would say, give him time. Talk to him

Customer:

he cut me off

Customer:

when we split

Customer:

does not talk to me

Customer:

only mean texts and emails

Customer:

i have had friends reach out as well

earthsister :

Men hate to be told when they can and cannot see their child

Customer:

saying hey - can you set a time to see her

Customer:

and he won't respond to them

Customer:

well kids hate when their dad's flake

Customer:

and it is damaging

earthsister :

that is true

earthsister :

trust me, I have been though a similar scenario

earthsister :

Give him time. Don't restrict his ability to see his daughter. He obviously loves her very much. Talk to him, calm and honestly if you can. Let him know that it's not about him nor you, but about your daughter; and that she needs him in her life

earthsister :

It is worse for a child to not be with their parent; if it takes bowing to him, so that the court order is not followed; if that what it takes to get him back with his daughter, so be it. Again, it is not about you, nor him, but about your daughter.

Customer:

i have tried

Customer:

he doesn't talk to me

Customer:

he hangs up

Customer:

i have almost lost my job

Customer:

because of the frequency with which he flakes

Customer:

and

Customer:

doesn't follow the schedule

Customer:

my child's heart has been broken on countless occassions

earthsister :

Is this the court ordered schedule that you are saying he isn't following?

Customer:

there is a court ordered schedule

Customer:

but since then i asked for a shchedule that works for him.

earthsister :

ok

earthsister :

so is he not following that schedule?

Customer:

no

earthsister :

maybe the problem is strictly with the courts.

earthsister :

maybe he doesn't want them involved at all.

Customer:

it doesn't matter what he wants.

Customer:

tanks for trying to help

Customer:

i am loggin off now.

earthsister :

I am sorry that I was unable to help with a solution this time. My final suggestion is to do what it takes to make sure that your daughter has a relationship with her father. If it means losing the court order, so that he feels confident in his own position as a man, and as a father to make decisions involving his child; including when he will see her, that is what I recommend. It seems that he obviously loves his little girl very much. It's always unfortunate when a break up between a man and a woman leaves a child stranded in the middle; again I can relate. I wish you all the best. If there is any way that I can be of further assistance. Please let me know.

Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Parenting Counselor: Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care replied 5 years ago
Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 153
Experience: 15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
Verified
I can help you with this question, if you are still looking for an answer. As a person that deals with these situations daily. In my opinion Scenario 2 is your option. You MUST uphold strict visitation guidelines with a father that wants to flake (as you put it). I have been in this situation on ALL levels and advised many parents through the same situation. The sad part is, you will have to watch your child be hurt by his bad decisions. The truth to the matter is, this is life. No matter what schedule you pick, or the court chooses if he does not want to make time for the child....he will NOT make time. It sounds like there is some growing up to do on his part, and this most likely will happen. I would love to chat with you about this if you come back online. the best thing is to not tell your child when daddy's visits are scheduled, then make the most of the time, without her knowing that he messed up. Make sure you do not down him in front of her, stay strong. He will find his way and your child will become stronger as they grow older. A flexible schedule is only going to cause heart ache for you and your child. Strict Guidelines. And then he chooses what kind of parent to be at that time, the problem is you have no power over his decisions, I will stay online a while to answer any more questions you have...I hope some of this helps!
Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 153
Experience: 15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
Verified
Adviser Mills C.C.D. and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Adviser Mills C.C.D. Your Own Question
Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 153
153 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor

Adviser Mills C.C.D. is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Cher

Cher

Teacher

94 satisfied customers

Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2

Jennifer

Jennifer

School Psychologist

77 satisfied customers

Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.

professional_Alison

professional_Alison

Child Care

77 satisfied customers

Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

40 satisfied customers

Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Doctor

38 satisfied customers

PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy

Eveningstargazer

Eveningstargazer

Family Counselor

31 satisfied customers

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Family Counselor

21 satisfied customers

Licensed social worker and psychotherapist

< Previous | Next >

Related Parenting Questions
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher is preparing our child for a dance competition. She keeps telling the child not to be nervous , not to be afraid. It seems to produce an opp… read more
Gaurav Gupta
Gaurav Gupta
MD, CEO
Post-Doctoral Degree
22 satisfied customers
I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year
Hi Pearl I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year old boy. I would like to get some advice on how to calmly handle my two year old. He is quite a handful, and it gets especially frust… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
742 satisfied customers
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her grandparents). My current wife (her stepmom) and I are visiting my parents for the holidays with our two daughters. My daughter who lives w… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
742 satisfied customers
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my boyfriend and I, we live together, and one of her biggest issues is that she doesn't stop lying, her lies go from “I didn't do it-to lying to… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with us. I've been with her mom for 10 years now and this child now adult has always been very selfish. She puts herself first for everything and … read more
Rev Dr August Abbott
Rev Dr August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
592 satisfied customers
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as dysgraphia) which was diagnosed in grade one, but through the psych assessment we also learned he has extremely high cognitive ability. For … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to
i have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to teach him discipline because i don't wanna spank or hit. So ive been introducing tasks around the house. And geting him to say yes sir and no s… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has
Hi, I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has started spreading untruths this is a brief only Thank you janys… read more
CamilleRN
CamilleRN
Registered Nurse, Director of Nursing
4,150 satisfied customers
Dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think
dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think but when ever we will ask him to study he dont like. he make the face and you fell that he is sick. he sit long time for one subject to do hi… read more
danny541
danny541
Retired
608 satisfied customers
I raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me,
i raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me, to build a strong bond. i was a young single mom and did the best i knew how. i then ended up introducing someone into both of our lives th… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in school. I have put him on punishment, and he knows I am in constant contact with his teacher. It is not that he can't do his work, it is that he… read more
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Consultant Pediatrician
Doctoral Degree
2,246 satisfied customers
Whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in
whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in the orange county and LA area.… read more
Michael
Michael
Research Librarian
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
84 satisfied customers
This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a
(This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a parenting expert. I have a 5 year old pre-adoptive child in my home. I am her 5th placement in 3 years. This week, she received a diagnosis of… read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Associate Professor of Communication
Doctoral Degree
102 satisfied customers
My three year old turning four in September still isn't
my three year old turning four in September still isn't potty trained. When he was two and a half his grandmother saw that he accidentally pooped his pants had lost her mind held him on the toilet and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step son argues with me about everything I say. I'm tired
I'm tired of it and want to say something in a loving way … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed away, she disinherited her daughter, B.D. *******, because B.D. ****** wrote a book about her saying that she was a drunk and all of that. In … read more
LegalGems
LegalGems
Juris Doctorate
10,686 satisfied customers
Far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled" Eyre"
far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. In chapter one, ***** *****, the son of the Reed family, scolds Jane Eyre for reading one of the Reed family's boo… read more
Cher
Cher
Teacher
Masters Degree
94 satisfied customers
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl who will be 6 y/o on March, 2018 and my son who will be 3 years old this month (nov, 2017).Their personalities are very different and I'm very… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x