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I have a 4 1/2 year old granddaughter whose father is abusive.

Customer Question
She has had nothing but...
I have a 4 1/2 year old granddaughter whose father is abusive. She has had nothing but supervised visits with her father for as long as she can remember. She doesn't beg to visit more than is allowed by a Protection Order, but once in a while, she expresses an opinion that "mom makes dad angry". I suspect that this comes from a period when the supervision of the visits was poor - not watched closely enough to monitor verbal manipulation. My question is: If the subject were brought up by the child, would it be reasonable to explain to her that Dad has anger management issues? If so, how could that be put into words?
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Parenting
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Answered in 4 minutes by:
5/23/2012
Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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earthsister :

Good afternoon. I first would like to let you know that I am not a psychologist or licensed to perform counseling in any way, and I am not intending to provide information as such. I am only a Parenting Expert on Just Answer, I am a mother of 4 and a child care provider, and all I can offer is my opinion and what I know about these kinds of issues.

earthsister :

I would say no, do not tell your 4 1/2 year old grand daughter that her father has anger management issues. Saying this could stick in her head, and she may even repeat it back to her father at some time. I would however explain to her what anger is, and what causes people to become angry (which could be an array of things).

Customer:

At one point, I asked her what dad is angry about. She didn't have an answer, so we dropped it. In April, we were coerced by an attorney into skype visits, which violates the dad's protection order. Dad blew it by making demeaning remarks about mom, who was supervising those visits and the computer was shut down. The child was devastated, but we said that Dad didn't follow the rules of the visits and that it's not nice to say mean things about anyone. Child accepted that. I was just wondering what ese we could have said or could say in the future.If Dad has any more visits, they will be supervised by a professional. Still we need to know how to handle questions or statements made by the child.


 

earthsister :

What kinds of questions or statements does she make or ask?

earthsister :

Also, does or has dad ever talked abusive to his daughter?

Customer:

so far, only that mom makes dad angry.


not directed at the child, only remarks about mom, which we saw for the first time, on skype.

earthsister :

I think that it would be best to explain to your grand daughter that just as she may get mad at people for different reasons, sometimes justifiable, and sometimes not, adults often get angry with one another for these same kinds of reasons. It would be best in these discussions however, even if she asks a direct question about her father's anger, that you speak about anger in general, as it relates to all people, and not single dad out. This would be best so not to make her feel as though she has to chose sides between the "angry parent", and "non angry parent".

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified
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Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
Hi


I'm just following up with you to see how everything is going. Did my answer help?


Let me know,
earthsister
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Visits with the abusive parent have not resumed. He has to find a qualified supervisor and pay for those visits. Meantime, it's been a month with no phone visits and the child has not brought up her desire to speak with her father. Same thing last year. Visits were stopped by CPS for 4 months; child's behavior improved and she did not express a desire to see or talk to Dad.
Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
Good evening. As unfortunate as that is, as long as your grand daughter is doing well, that is all that matters. As your grand daughter ages, she will begin to see things as they really are, and come to understand her father's anger on her own. Keep hanging in there with her; maybe dad will get himself together, either way, your grand daughter is awfully fortunate to have a grand parent such as yourself who is concerned about her well being. Stay in touch, and all the best to you and your family.
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
Verified
earthsister and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I accepted the opportunity to speak with you on a follow-up initiated by you and where I saw that I would not be charged for that. You received the fee and a bonus on May 25. What is the purpose of charging a client an additional fee for a follow-up that I did not ask for??????
Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
Good evening, I am sorry if we have a misunderstanding. I did not intend to request a payment on my follow up; and so that you understand, even if an accept button is present, you do not have to accept, as that will cause a payment to be made; whether or not you accept is strictly your choice. All I did was use a pre made template designed by Just Answer, to check on how things were going for you. My signature was included in that message, however my intention was not at all for you to pay me. I apologize again for the misunderstanding, and definitely urge you to get in contact with JustAnswers service department to see about getting that fee refunded; I can do so on my end as well. If you give me a moment, I will find an email address or phone number for you, so that you can make that request.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago

I appreciate your services, but I think that JustAnswer is purposefully misleading in its

"template" for follow-up. Let them know that for me and I will contact them by phone to express my opinions on that subject. If you have an email address, I'll take that.

Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
Thank you for understanding. On my part, I will work to remove my signature from follow ups, that may have been my wrong doing, not necessarily the company's; and again, I do apologize. Here is the number to customer service: Customer Support team at (888) 587-8220 from the USA or Canada
I am also working right now to resolve the issue within my department as well. Thank you again for your understanding and patience.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
thank you.
Parenting Counselor: earthsister, Parent replied 5 years ago
No problem. Here is one more method, which may bring quicker results: To request a refund, please click the following link: http://www.justanswer.com/refund/refund.aspx
Have a great evening.
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earthsister
earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
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Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.

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