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I would like to help you with your question.
From what you describe, you are feeling quite frustrated by your son's behavior. It sounds like he is trying to be the "man" of the house.
yes u're right
You are right in saying you are the boss and attempting to keep him in his proper role as a child.
he constantly puts me in the child position and he calls me baby and so on
His biting, hitting, and kicking is totally unacceptable behavior. What do you do when he hurts you? Do you talk to him about his poor behavior? Do you punish him in some way?
Did this begin to happen during the divorce? Or has he always treated you like this?
I try is I take his bike away he still takes it by force
So he is unwilling to keep to any rules that you set.
You wrote that you have gone to therapy with him...how did that go? Can you tell me a bit about that.
just one session tomorrow she's gonna have a go in talking with him and find out why he's constantly angry
okay...I would agree that therapy would be an important step in helping to understand his behavior and helping him to see what his proper role is in the family.
it's a difficult situation isn't it
could you tell me when he began to mistreat you.
Well...yes it is difficult but not uncommon.
ohh...not uncommon ...!! ok
he began when he was about 3 or 4 and once he had a fight with his father about who's gonna be boss in the house
Children take this "parental" role for many reasons.
yes can u state a few
I want to be near my son and try to understand him
but he constantly pushes me away
Sometimes children want to feel powerful. They want what they want and they want it now. So if the parent gives in, and isn't strong in the face of such a challenge, then the child gets control of the family.
yes yes exactly and sometimes I get into that situation
It is likely that he pushes you away as a strategy to stay in power. If he were to get close to you the that would mean that he's a child. And...he doesn't want to be a child ... he wants to be the boss.
the other day his tooth was wobbly ASAP
yes exactly we're always having arguments because of that very reason
And because he has been having power in the family, he is going to fight like a mad dog to keep that power.
His constant anger is likely because he does not want anyone else to be in charge. Any threat to his power is going to be met by him fighting to keep that power.
I would like to suggest you buy the book Parenting With Love and Logic. This is a very wonderful parenting program that is highly succesful. You get the book at your local bookstore or online at www.loveandlogic.com.
The website has lots of wonderful tips for parents.
but this morning I had both children up (not as early as I had in mind).....and I promised them they can go somewhere if they follow what I say and earn five buttons he can go to that place
This program is easy to understand and to use. It's main purpose is to put parents in charge and help children see their proper role in the family.
Did he follow what you say?
thanks very much
Another book you might find helpful is:
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel
This book provides many strategies for helping children learn how to express themselves in healthy ways.
yes he followed I didn't remember very much to say for encouragment
but I think he liked that
Why do you think he obeyed?
So he liked the reward?
yes I think
and he asked for a button
for doing something correctly
I got that idea from someone
Okay...so that may be a strategy you use more often. The button was a reward for positive behavior.
if I take him ice - skating will that be rewarding him
he has an ice skating lesson today
I would encourage you to use this method and to also think about other rewards that he will want. Yes, ice-skating might be good - if that is something he finds special and really likes to do.
That would be the key - finding things that he really wants and is willing to put in effort to get.
Have you had the bedwetting checked by a physician in order to determine if there is a physical problem...like a small bladder..or bladder infections?
yes he likes ice skating very much and so does his sister
there is nothing
Good...then this is a wonderful reward.
I have checked everything
Okay...so it is likely a psychological problem or stress related.
maybe ...how do I find that out
I would make sure the therapist knows about this and see what her thoughts are about addressing this.
ok sure I will
Sometimes children outgrow this. But the best way to approach this is to talk to the therapist.
thanks Dr Levang
You are very welcome!
Please do consider getting the two books I suggested. They will give you more information and new strategies for parenting your son.
yes ofcourse, I'm going to get them for sure
Very good! I wish you the best.
If you would like to chat in the future, please put my name at the beginning of a new question and it will come directly to me.
thanx a lot