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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My daugther is 6 yrs old and her best friend is the same

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My daugther is 6 yrs old and her 'best friend' is the same age, girl. She often spends girl nights with her friends and they spend the night with us as well. I just recently found them kissing each other. The other little girl has sisters and my child is the only child... I think I overacted (like telling her she can't be trusted and she would never have another sleep over) but we've talked about this before...I always ask the questions and have tried to begin the comfortable sex talk. I am little confused about how to move forward and really thinking to engage in family therapy. I'm a single full time working mother and I am not always able to be there to monitor...I have to be able to trust her.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. Your feelings and reactions are all completely normal. Talking about inappropriate touching is a necessity in today's world but having a talk about sex with a six year old is a little too early. However, did you ask your daughter WHY she was kissing? Did you ask her if her friend made her kiss? You need to find out who was the one who instigated the kissing. Then hopefully the other girl's parents are aware of the kissing as well. Additionally, although this may be unsettling but necessary, you need to ascertain if any adult has ever kissed your daughter in that way. It is normal for children to be curious about private parts, kissing, etc., however such actions need to be curtailed or else things could get out of hand.

If family therapy would make you feel better and you would like professional assistance for your daughter, then the decision is a great one. Your daughter should have limited contact with her friend until the situation seems resolved or has closure.

Whatever pathway you take, just do not make a big deal about it with your daughter. It is serious but you do not want your daughter to feel like she is a bad person because of what she did. You want her to be able to communicate with you rather than just shut down her feelings.

If you need further assistance, let me know your thoughts.

Have a great Saturday!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

i did ask her why and she said she didn't know. Now they both are crying because they know that i'm upset...I just had them help with breakfast and then I noticed that they were very quiet. I had an entire day of activities planned, nail salon, shopping...should I cancel and take the other child home?

Did you discover the kissing just today?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes...just about 1 hr ago. the little girl just said that my child kept trying to get closer to her...they were initially reading books, helped with breakfast and were waiting to be served. The little girl just confirmed that my child initiated the kiss.
Ok...if you are too upset and need time to process this situation, call the little girl's mom and explain what happened and that you are terribly sorry but the playdate must be canceled because you need to resolve the issue. The other mom deserves to know without finding out from her daughter.
This day should be for you and your daughter. Let her know that you love her and kissing was not an action that best friends usually do...especially if it was on the lips.
The other mom may be mad or start blaming you so be prepared for that response. Just do not become defensive.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Actually, you are helping me process as we speak...i'm am going to call the mother however, I see that my daughter fears that I don't love her because she wrote me a love you note. I am calm enough to at least get to the nail salon and not totally ruin the day...they've ben writing I love my best friend and love you notes for over a year and we finally have a sleepover and this happens. It feels like failure on my part.



It is not your fault at all. Your daughter probably feels like kissing is what you do to people you love. I am sure that you kiss your daughter. So she probably felt like it was alright for her to kiss her friend. But she needs to be told about the boundaries of kissing in a language that a six year old can comprehend.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok, last question....we all just talked about what happened and of course there were tears involved on their part...i feel a lot calmer and as we get ready for dance class. i'm still trying to decide if I just take the little girl home. Maybe I should let her mother decide?
Yes...that may be a wise option to let the mother decide. I am sure the girls are the best of friends. This may be a one time innocent kissing exploration.
From your first question until now, I do get a sense that you feel a little more relaxed about the situation. :)
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

They should update the how is this answer...when you're dealing with a stressful it appears to be a response to a good situation....sometimes it can be challenging to love the truth...just my thoughts...thanks for walking me through this...i'm going to seek some additional counseling...we never know how we as parents impact our children...and i'd rather identify my deficiencies sooner than later.

I applaud you in being so concerned about your daughter and desiring to take additional steps. That is a sign of strength, courage, and unconditional love. I do wish you the very best.
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