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RealSupport, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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i have a 14 year old daughter and been living with my partner

Resolved Question:

i have a 14 year old daughter and been living with my partner since she was 8 years old, she has never got on with him.
Things have taken a turn for the worse, my daughter was out and did not come back in the evening so as a punishment I contacted her birth father to collect her. My partner had siad he had had enough and statred emptying her contents from her bedroom.we argued and I agreed that I would be firmer with my daughter.
Neither of them speak to each other when my partner comes home form work my daughter will go to her bedroom.
my daughters birth father has just moved into a new home with his new partner who has three children one who is the same age sex as my daughter and they have a good relationship, my daughter has said that its normal at her dads house and that it is not normal here, she refuses to tal to my partner and he has aid he has given up and doesnt want anything to do with her. I feel that I am having to choose and it is starting to make me feel very down

I have shared care of my daughter one week on one week off This was my choice as I felt it was important that my daughter had a positive relatuonship with her birth father.

I reallt dont know what to do
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  RealSupport replied 5 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a tough situation to find yourself in, having to choose between your life partner and your daughter. It should never been that way once these are two different relationships which should not conflict one with the other.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your partner has been living with you since she was 8, then there is no way for him as an adult and life partner to justify not having the time, means, conditions and responsibility to build a healthy relationship with a child based on mutual respect, empathy, understanding and support, areal parent-child relationship.

Expert:  RealSupport replied 5 years ago.
Only in those cases where the biological mother happens to codependently enable the opposite, not allowing this healthy relationship to develop, taking away the authority and respect the step-father needs and deserves to have, then in those cases scenarios like this one are easily to develop. But if that has not been the case, he is accountable for not working hard enough to build a healthy if not intimate relationship with his step-daughter. You are a family and I imagine that when you started your formal relationship, you both were clear you were not going to live as boyfriend-girlfriend but as adult life partners taking the responsibilities you needed and wanted to take, specially the one of raising your daughter. If this was in fact the case, he is the one who needs to be confronted here about lack of commitment, consistency and accountability.

She was a child and now is an adolescent and he would need to gain her respect and trust with your support, otherwise it would not work. She has a biological father, and that’s a concrete factor impacting on dynamics like this but, it shouldn’t justify his passivity and lack of responsibility of the role he had to play here as a real life partner and step-father.

Please dialogue with him and confront these behaviors for you to see how insightful and accountable he happens to be and if he is willing or not to work on it as necessary for you to decide what you would need to do. If he does not know how to make it work, then he would need to get parenting classes or individual counseling to work on it, plus family-couples sessions for the best results to be achieved.

I hope it helps.

Thank you for your trust,

Rafael M.T. – Professional Integral & Transpersonal Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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