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professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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I am a 37 yr old women with two children, a boy 13 yrs and

Customer Question

I am a 37 yr old women with two children, a boy 13 yrs and a girl 11 yrs. My husband and I have been separated for 18 months and are trying to work thru divorce. My husband is speaking badly to my children about me and the divorce. He tells the children he provided for us, allowed me to stay home and doesnt know why we broke up. He states the situation is my fault, that I have made my bed and must now lay in it. He also tells them they do not have to listen or follow the rules of my home or speak with respect to my boyfriend. He lives with his mother and the atitude in the home is very negative. When my children return from staying with their father for his week they are negative, swear, tell me they want to live with their dad, I should buy them stuff etc. They treat me very badly. I have talked about this with them over and over and this situation seems to be deteriorating rapidly. I dont know what to do!! I have tried speaking to my ex and mother in law as well to no avail.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : It is such a shame that the kids are being put in this situation. You have already done several of the things I would suggest, talking to your ex and his mother, talking to the kids, and having someone else they respect talk to them. Given that none of that has helped, I suggest you go the consequences route. If your not already giving consequences for the kids negative behaviors, you can start. Though you're aware that much of this comes from the negativity of you husband, ask him to help you with the kids. When they come home and act up, send him an email telling him how they behaved and ask him to talk to them about it next time he sees them. In that waY, he may be recruited in to being on your side instead of being so disruptive.
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
I hope this is helpful. If I'm headed in the wrong direction, please let me know.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for the information, I have tried consequences for their behaviour. Not allowed them to partake in an activity they like. Limited time with friends etc. I have also spoken to their father but his response is "they don't act like that when I have them" and "face it you are just not the cool parent right now" or "you made your bed, lay in it" etc.

I have signed up for parenting courses and counselling for the children. I am considering asking my lawyer to ask the court for mandated parenting for him as well. He tells me he is perfect and does not need help. Do you know of any action I can take thru my lawyer of the ministry of families that could help with what I consider pshycological abuse.

Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
The idea that he is a perfect parent made me laugh, because he's the first one I've ever heard of. I think asking your lawyer if your ex can be ordered to parenting classes is a good idea, though I'm not sure how much good it will do, his being perfect and everything. I don't think the ministries of families can do anything unless the children's counselor will state they are suffering psychological damage from his behavior.

If all else fails, you may just have to tolerate the craziness until your kids get old enough to realize what their dad is doing. It's not fair, but with your em's lack of concern for his children, it is very difficult to influence him.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 5 years ago.

Hello there, may I help you? I have a different perspective on this problem, trying to put myself in your husbands shoes, he is playing games here, trying to score points and is obviously not giving any consideration to the damage he is doing to your relattionship with your children as a result of his hard words, but he is also brain washing them into thinking that you are the bad one who is to blame in all of this.


Your children are at a volatile age where they will be easily lead by what they are told. It is important that you don't end up embarking on a cat and mouse game here. Don't say a bad word about the children's father to them. When they come home and are aggressive and difficult they will be looking for a reaction. It is important not to give one.


Children will eventually work out for themselves who and what they believe but you may have to bear the brunt of there cruel words and bad behavior for now. It is important that you don't discuss anything that went on or currently is going on with you and the children's Father. If they ask questions the answer is simply "That is between me and Daddy". They are old enough to reason with and also to understand that the way they behave when they come home upsets you and you so look forward to seeing them when they have been at Daddy's...etc etc.


I don't think there is any point in trying to pursue talking with the children's Father about what he is saying to them when he sees them, as he is clearly not thinking straight and not putting their feelings first. He will be doing damage that will come back to him!


Hang in there, be the better person, no negative comments about Daddy, don't react to their behaviour and try to put the ball into their court, make things the children's decision. Try comments like "I love you very much and understand that you are hurting, let me know when you would like to talk". Also, things like "it must be difficult for you at the moment let me know if theres anything I can do to help you".


Children do eventually process information and gain an understanding of what is actually going on, they shouldn't be involved at all, just have two loving parents in two different houses. If only!


I hope I have helped you please click accept if I have, please message me if I can help you further.