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MaryA., Teacher, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 5
Experience:  10+ years as a teacher, mother to a teen and 8 year old
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My son didnt kill himself , not take his life, but in a way

Customer Question

My son didn't kill himself , not take his life, but in a way he did, he waked out on everything that would have given him a decent start at independence. Over the past four years he was unable to accomplish anything he tried - high school, magnet Aeorspace school, Florida Virtual School, Home School, he refused to let me teach him, Adult High School, GED classes, Drivers Ed, and getting a learners driving permit, not any of those. He tried but never was able to succeed. Finally we told him that he can not continue like he had been, that he had to go into the Job Corp, They are an excellent program for high school diploma, GED, and Drivers License, also they teach many trades. He was already accepted into the computer tec class and had taken the test for it. There are hundreds on a waiting list, but we know the teacher and he was already in. Instead, he left , ran away if a 20 year old can be called a run a way, the Saturday before the Monday he was to have the appointment with the Job corps. We never dreamed he could be so stupid. He went to live with his best pal since middle school, who is the biggest do-nothing kid we know. He plans to live with him and his dad, and work in his friend's father's restaurant. Four years of putting off doing everything that he needs to do just to get his life started, and he leaves to work in a pizza shop. Unbelievable. That he left, sneaking out, and allowed me to wake up that morning to call him and him not be there - that betrayal of trust was the worst thing of all for me. I had believed that we had a more honest and trusting relationship than than. He had come to me with his fears, of the failures, of his ability, about his health, many things, and we talked things over. We seemed to be on the same page most of the time. His leaving like he did was a stun gun to me and his dad both. I guess I did feel like the son I knew, had raised from a baby of 3 days old, was gone , had died, where did he go. I cried for weeks, still do sometimes, couldn't go into his room without crying, not that he left but how he left and what he left behind of his life - his family, his beloved dogs, his beloved computer, that he had built himself, and everything - clothes, shoes, books, books he treasures. Worse, he left his room one holy mess, filthy, knowing how much work I have to do already from the horrible mess left behind from his sibs. I feel so betrayed. He did send some emails but I can't read them, and called but I just refused to answer the phone, too too painful for me, in any case , there is nothing more to be said, Everything already has been many times. I had to protect myself for more hurt so I had to shut that door to him. Was he terrified of another failure ? Was he so depressed that he had no choice but to sneak away ? Most likely.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  MaryA. replied 5 years ago.

MaryA. :

I am so sorry you are going through this. In a way it does sound like your son is depressed and/or is suffering from depression. He is also at an age in his life where he wants to be independent. The way that he is going about it may not be appropriate right now, and it is alright if you do not agree with it, but he does need to find his own way. I think it would be a good idea to see a counselor or therapist yourself, so that you will be better able to deal with your son running away and know how to respond to him when he does call or if he comes to visit. If communication between you and him get any better I would suggest that he also goes to therapy and eventually, you may have to go together. I hope everything works out.

Customer :

I don't know how this got into parenting, it was sent , I though, to mental health and the mental health councelor who had been working with us, Elliott Sewell. If you are able , somehow I don't know, how , can you refer this back to him ? I am very aware that we can use some emotional comfort and help at this point, but as a parent, kids need to be taught that life is too short to make all your own mistakes or you end up living a life of continual distress from all the mistakes that keep being made. I have raised 3 generations so I have some practical knowledge about what works and what does not, at least a little. I suggest he goes into therapy also but he has no funds, no money, no insurance, and wouldn't have the least idea of how to even if he were willing. Thank you but this was not meant for parenting .

MaryA. :

I will see if I can send it back. Hope everything works out!