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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Why is it being close to 50 now that my kids seem to irratate

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Why is it being close to 50 now that my kids seem to irratate me every time they speak. They are 13,16 and my oldest is 25 and graduated and on his own. I love my children and enjoyed spending my life with them in all the prior years gone by, and seemed able to tolerate about anything. Now my son just talks and I can about drop everything in my hands that I might be carrying or I feel like I'm gonna crack, some of the time.
I have some questions that might help me answer your question. Are you going through menopause? Do other things in you life irritate you more that usual or just your kids? Have there been changes in you life in the past few years or months?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes, everything does seem to be less tolerable. Male Menopause?
Oops, sorry, I didn't notice you're a guy.

There's a lot of talk about low-t now so that could play a role.
Has there been a change in your sleep or appetite?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
no change in sleep or appetite. T- readings are around 500 - normal range
Being irritable is a sign of depression for some people. Do you think that's a possibility?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
getting older and seeing a lot of folks my age passing, along with mother-in-law at 62 has caused me a little anxiety, my wife never being happy/has PAD passive aggression disorder has made me a little empty inside, but I have filled it up with the Lord and my children along the way. I do stay busy and exercise daily and eat clean, has been harder to cut weight as I am nearing 50...a little depressing, I guess.
It sounds like a lot of stress in your life, certainly living with a highly passive aggressive person can be extremely irritating.

The things you're doing are good choices. Prayer, exercise, healthy eating are all good things. I wonder if it would help you to see a therapist, considering your stressors. Would you be willing to do that?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have and they say that the person that I am with will never change and to divorce or find a friend to share some time with or just keep on doing nothing.
What do you think of those three options?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well I probably would feel more complete with a friend, but have opted to do nothing
It seems that your stress is spilling over into the rest of your life, your relationship with your kids, etc. Maybe that means it's time to stop doing nothing.

Are we talking about a sexual friend or a platonic friend?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I know what your saying is right, but I keep pressing on saying no to myself, but now reaching 50 seems like I do not have but only 10-20 years to live and do not want to go to my grave empty.

Getting older can certainly give you more perspective on life. Unless you are ill, or have a family history of dying young, I would say 10 years is pretty pessimistic. I'm 59 and don't even plan to stop working until I'm 70. Your thinking sounds depressed. Maybe it would help to talk to your family doc about medication.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well my mother-in-law was here from out NW at 62 trouble free and went home a month later not feeling so good, a month later died, turns out stage 4 cancer. Never smoked and was a school teacher and just retired after 30 years. 3 folks from 40-60 have died at various positions that I have had. 3 close friends I went to school with have passed. My 2 grandfathers didn't live past 42, one stroke and one cancer. Look at Whitney Houston and too many others to mention. I have a clean diet and am in the gym 4-5 days a week, in fact I had a feature of me in a men's magazine less than 5 years ago, but truth be told all of the above happening make me not take 1 minute for granted!
It's okay not to take a minute for granted. That should be more motivation to stop being unhappy, and do something. You didn't answer my question about the type of friendship you're thinking about. Sexual or platonic?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Being educated and nice looking it would be easy to catch someone in my fly trap. Doing what I know would help me, would make me feel like a bad person and even worse if she found out. She realizes the stress that I am under from her and encourages me to have a friend and not to tell her. I just picture no one understanding all of this and me ending up looking like the BAD GUY and cheater over shadowing her PAD and nice front that she puts on to everyone, nicest person in the world. Unless you have live with and count on her for something.
Do you have any close friends that aren't sexual interests, men or women?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes, I tried filling the lonliness with friends. I am a very sexual person so having a girlfriend would probably be pretty hard. My wife provides no intamacy just as much sex as I want. Part of PAD.
What a bind. I personally find passive aggressiveness to be very hard to take. It is a small wonder you're irritable living in these circumstances. I don't recommend you pursue a sexual relationship with another woman while you are married, for all the reasons you listed. Your wife giving you permission just sounds like more passive aggressiveness.

There are times when divorce is a far better option than staying in an unhappy marriage. The fact that you feel irritation toward your children, even if you're trying not to show it, is probably making them unhappy too. I agree that you're wife isn't likely to change. For whatever years or decades you have left, you deserve to be happy too. Maybe it's time to walk away.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Its hard for me to understand why anyone would choose not to be close. Always distant, withdrawn, unfriendly and unhappy unless there is something negative to resist. But, friendliest person in the world on the surface to complete strangers and her dad if he comes and treats her like she is a 3 year old.

Usually, people become passive aggressive when they believe that is the only way to get their needs met. Is that what you mean by treating like a 3 year old. Is he making all the decisions for her?

My ex husband was a very passive aggressive guy so I know what you mean by looking good on the outside. The problem comes when you get in a relationship with them, they start thinking of you in the same negative way they think of themselves. You end up with at the bottom of a long list of people whose feeling come first.
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