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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My husband fights with our children a lot, they are 13 boy

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My husband fights with our children a lot, they are 13 boy and 14 girl. He has an anger problem and just cracks. He yells and abuses them over little things that set him off. He gets very nasty and says very nasty things, throws things and smashes things. He acts like a child and I have told him "you are the adult here" but he doesn't listen. He thinks our kids don't respect him and he gets angry because he has to tell them all the time to do their jobs. Once he has had a big fight with them and banned them from everything - things calm down and everyone gets on again. My daughter wants to leave home now. She can't handle it anymore. I am so worried that they are unhappy - and should I leave for them. I have tried speaking to my husband about his attitude - but he will be good for a bit then it goes back to normal. The kids do have good times with their dad and he buys them things, but I think all this negativity is affecting them. What should I do??
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. Do you want to save your marriage? That is what it boils down to start with? Thanks!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes I do want to save my marriage - for the kids. I do still love my husband, but we don't get on like we use to and he is not only nasty to me - the kids are having to deal with it a lot too. some days I think it would be best if I left - but I don't know how I could be without him either. Also, to start on my own with 3 kids is going to be very hard - finacially and emotionally - I don't know if I can do that. But I know it's what I might need to do. But, remember, there are lots of good days with him too. He can be very caring and giving. I do love him - but I just don't know how to change him - I can't change him - he is very stubborn. Thanks, Donna
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for responding. Since you have already tried talking to your husband with limited success, the next step would be to seek marital counseling. You need a neutral third party to listen to both you and your husband and try to ascertain the true root of the problem. Several counseling sessions would most likely be necessary. First, you need to discuss your relationship. Then, you can discuss the problems that your husband has with the children. The children also may need counseling as well because it is not emotionally healthy for them to see so much arguing and also live in fear of their father. They need intervention and coping strategies that they can utilize when dealing with their dad. Your husband seems to be the main cause of all of the family turmoil. Hopefully, he will be willing to give counseling a try. If he will not go, then at least you and be children should still go.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok, thanks. But, what sort of counselling do i get for my children and do they go one at a time. If I ring a counsellour, what servcies do I ask for. For me and my husband it will be marriage counselling - but for this kids - what would it be. also, this will cost a lot of money - is there a cheaper way. would the kids benefit from online kids counselling or not. I am prepared to pay for the counselling to help them, but if there is a cheaper option that would be suitable, I would like to know. Also, is there anything that I can do for them. Or should my husband do or say anything to them. The main problem is the kids not doing their chores and he gets really upset that he has to tell them all the time. Do you know of a better strategy for handling teenage kids and their chores without it getting to a fight. Could my husband use a better technique instead of getting so angry and banning them from everything because he loses it. I do agree with the counselling for me and my husband - that was going to be my next step anyway. We have had counselling about a year ago. thanks Donna.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
A cheaper route for your children would be to get counseling for your children at school. Contact the school psychologist and she/he can assist your children with the problems at home or direct you to inexpensive or even free services. Usually if you have health insurance, the mental health department with your provider can provide you with the necessary services without you having to pay an arm and a leg.

To help the kids with the chores, create a daily list of what chores should be accomplished every day. There is no need for screaming and yelling. If they do not accomplish the chores for the week, then consequences can be imposed one at a time. When they start doing the chores, they can earn back their privileges and material things that were taken away.

Your husband need not yell and scream about chores. He is letting the kids get to him which is not healthy. He must act in a more calmer way as he is setting an example for the children.
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