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My 11 year old son is out of control, curses, is insubordinate…

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My 11 year old son...
My 11 year old son is out of control, curses, is insubordinate (to me and everyone except his Dad). His wants to live with his Dad, but Dad does not seem to make him a priority (doesn't show up for visits, doesn't answer his phone). For that reason, I do not want to allow him to live with Dad, but it seems he is the only one that has any sway with him. Unfortunately, I also think that Dad will use him to mislead people and I don't want him to learn additional manipulation skills. HELP! My son's life is at stake.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Parenting
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Answered in 1 hour by:
11/9/2011
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,375
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. How long have you and his dad been apart? How does your son perform in school? How often does he see dad? Do they talk on the phone? Do you have a new man in your life? Is your son an only child?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

My son has does not remember ever living with both of us....and he has often expressed his disappointment that we will never live together. My son has been recognized as being very intelligent at school and even been recommended to a G/T program, however his grades reflect his refusal to follow directions as he does not like to do homework. Unfortunately, his father is not consistent with his attention. He has stated to my boy that it 'is his turn' to have him live with him & for the the last maybe 6 or 7 weeks had been calling him daily & even showed up for a school meeting (wow). However, last week when I told Dad that I was not going to agree to my son living with him unless he starts showing consistency, all that stopped & once again, my son was left on Friday with a promise of a call on Saturday to p/u. Dad did not answer on Saturday. That is his relationship with Dad. In January I attempted to start a new relationship, however, my son immediately declined to get to know my friend & so I have not re-introduced him to our family. Also, I cannot accept calls from my friend because my son becomes abusive, so I really haven't continued with the relationship. I have 5 children. My older 2 are 'A' students and neither use foul language (at all- really). The younger 2 are pre-schoolers (4&5). The 11 year old is the middle child and does not have any whole siblings. He also has a half brother (6yrs) at Dad's as Dad is remarried and has 3 step-siblings (older) of which 1 remains living with Dad & Step-Mom.

 

I had thought because the situation escalated this year that my attempt to start a new relationship was maybe the cause of his aggression, however, it has been quite a few months since I have seen my friend & I have decided not to pursue a relationship as it is evident that his behaviour is not going to improve to a point where I can concentrate on anything but him & his issues. But, I have to figure something out quick because he already outweighs me by about 20 lbs & is about an inch taller than me, so physically I am not able to force him to go to his room anymore or really anything else. Thank you.

Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
Hello...It may be worth a try to have your son live with your ex. Often young boys need a male figure in their life and are craving that special bond. Your son will soon enter the teenage years and he will become even more defiant and difficult to deal with. It may be time for you to have a break from your son's insubordination. Your ex will have to learn how to make his son a priority. Give him the reigns to take some parental control. You deserve a chance to start a relationship if you desire without having to worry about your son's negativity all the time.
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