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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My 17 year old daughter is a great kid does post secondary

Customer Question

My 17 year old daughter is a great kid does post secondary (take classes at a local community college in place of high school classes) is a volley ball player playing in an all star game tonight, plays basket ball, does show choir, is an honor student national honor society, tri m music honor society, member of leadership lake county and was elected alumni rep for her LAB group. We are told what a great kid by her peers parents teachers and she is a great kid!!!! She is driven confident,incredibly stubborn and does have a great head on her shoulders. But here in the past 6 months she has been very disrespectful to our family and our home. She has become self centered arrogant and disobident. On Thursday she went into her thirteen year old sisters room woke her up @5am demanded her ipod and when she said no punched her in the ribs. I proceeded to yell and told her this is not acceptable behavior in our home and if you chose that you need to leave. Which she called a friend and did. They were numerous text back and forth between her father myself and her that day. With it ending you will be home tonight or we will call the police you are a minor. She did come home we tried to talk to her she feels she is in a box, she needs a break from everyone in the house (she is very busy and rarely home) we all stress her out.. We have taken her car away for a week which I might add is killing her! Still she has been defiant and obstinate every morning and evening is a battle. Last night she wanted to be with friends which we said ok you will be home by 9p, she wasnt happy. Then it was changed to 10p because as I told her you are right she wouldnt get home from bball till 6:30 and the earliest she could be ready would be 7p so 10p was agreeable. Well the plans she had fell thru so she wanted to go to an a friends aunts house and hang out(we do not know this aunt) we said no so there was heck to pay this morning. I tried to speak to her she refused to look at me keeping her back to me tried to hug her and I explained i know it is hard to b 17 I know your job is to break away find your own way and self but you must be respectful about it. She refused that only saying you kicked me out, you were going to call the police on me go ahead I will tell them I do not feel safe here, I will b 18 soon. Even if you are 32 you will respect my home family and your Father and Myself. I just want to know is there some other way to get thru to her. She is not as driven in school, and has the typical I know everything attitude. She is strong willed always has been since she could speak! Everything is just becoming increasingly drama filled I just want to know what can my husband and I do to bring it down and bring peace to our relationship with our daughter. If we would let her do whatever she wants and not hold her accountable for her actions we would all be fine but that is not in her best intrest.They certainly dont come with a manual!!! I know a parts of this is normal teen age behavior and there are worse things she could be doing as she points out. We are at a loss as to what to do. In all honesty we have not been that great at holding to consequences which we have admitted to her, we have never been at this level of anger from her. Any advice would be gratly appreciated.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are having with your daughter. Her behavior is completely normal as she is having conflicting feelings of soon entering adulthood and leaving the teen age years behind. Furthermore, your daughter may just be extremely stressed and have too many responsibilities and the pressure is too much to keep doing well. Therefore she is lashing out at those who are the closest to her. You must be applauded for enforcing consequences when she is so disobedient. Continue to do those things. You cannot make your daughter change. She has to have the desire to change. All you can do is to continue to talk to her, enforce the rules, and consequences. Do not let her manipulate you in any way. She is still the child and you are the adult. You may also want to try family counseling sessions. Try having an open and honest discussion with her about how everyone feels and try to reach some mutual decisions.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We have said we should all go to counseling. To which she becomes very angry , refuses to go will leave if we make her and we are the crazy ones not her. She will not talk ect. We have tried open honest discussions she wont look at us eye rolls and says she is almost 18 we should give it up
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Here is a suggestion for you. It is obvious that something is not right in your daughter's life and she is becoming more upset. She has already stated that she would not go to counseling. Therefore, what you need to do is to contact the psychologist at her school. Tell the psychologist your concerns. The psychologist will meet with your daughter and you if needed to discuss the issues. Your daughter may become upset that you have the psychologist involved but she needs to hear things from a different perspective. She may open up to the psychologist. It is definitely worth a try.