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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My son comes to me 10 days ago and presents me with a budget

Customer Question

My son comes to me 10 days ago and presents me with a budget breakdown for his cost of living at his new home. He even found the location himself. I should be happy for someone like him that has a smart head on his shoulder. Even the location he found was directly half way from her house to ours. He did everything right except he wanted my support and only 5 days before he was due to move out. He even told me he learned everything from me and I should be proud.
I came into his life when he was 6 years old from his mothers previous marriage. We are so bonded even to this day he tells me goodnight, I love you and a hug everyday. He broke up with his 2.5 yr relationship in April and in June found the girl of his life. Three weeks later proposed and 5 weeks later moved out. What is strange about this is that he turned 20 years old in June (longer than most stay at home) and goes to a local collage 15 min away. He is very responsible with school and is maintaining it. His new home is 25 min away and as a business owner he works for us and I will see him almost everyday (of course not the same).
So finally the question: What’s wrong with me? am I overreacting? I can't even type this without crying. I don't drink but have smoked 4 packs a day since and can't eat, can't stop crying etc... I feel very cold, very empty and very sad. I can't run my business, my mind is racing every moment and I don't understand. I feel like a parent that just buried a child. Is it because he would take no for an answer and had his mind set? Or was it just so sudden and unexpected.
What makes this worse is I will be 39 years old in 2 days and i am a male. Yes as a dad this is tearing me apart.
By the way he is taking psychology. I would be his first patient, but I don't trust him now. LOL

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about how your son's actions are tearing you apart. What is the one aspect that bothers you the most? What are three things about your son that you wish you could change? Thanks!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The one aspect that bothered me the most was the fact that everyone at our business knew that he was moving including my teenage daughter and my wife. The wife wanted my son to tell me but my son came to me 6 days before moving; the same day the landlord call him to let him know he could move in. However he had in planned for weeks. He wanted my support and help in moving, don't know how I did it but I did end up helping him. It has been worse since then.

Well at this point I can't go back but I have been trying for the last 3 years to get his puppy love mind to reality at times. He is like a kid that can't wait to have candy. If she is at home, he is in a hurry to leave work. The last relationship he had was she tells him to jump and he says how high. He is a different person when he is not in a relationship. That is my biggest fear. He turned 20 in June- met her late June- engaged Mid July and ready to move out in August- Moved Sept 1st and now it's about a baby. He doesn't want one until he gets his degree but she want's one now. (not married yet). I know all to well as one of my businesses provides transportation to wellfare clients with our tax dollars. I always think of the worst because as humans we mend ourselves to others over time so I fear he will give in soon.

So what can I really change? How can I get rid of the hurt I'm feeling from the sudden change and the way he did it. Remember I was and still is in a state of shock. A young man that only 2 years ago wouldn't go far without my help. He is a type of person that has a very hard time admitting to things specially when he is wrong. Just yesterday I paid $400 for new tires on his car. (and $50 for his rat cage he wanted) He knew I was right about saving money and did admit to that. He could have paid for them on his credit card but I still today won't let him use it until he pays his balance in full. (yes he listens to that).

He has never smoked, drank or even liked alchohol in his mouthwash. He just won't touch it. He has delt with our company money in the thousands since he was 13 and turns in every penny even to this day. Works 40 hours a week and is full time in college, doesn't like to party and is doing good for the most part. So he is not an average young man. Even recently invites me to lunch at campus. (I think he does that so I will feel better by seeing him) He is the type that can't be without a relationship. Also note he behaves so differently even to his best friend for years when he is in a relationship and he has somewhat soured it with his one and only friend as well as his family. My wife said he moved out once he met his firs gril =friend 2.5 years ago because of the way the world stops when he is with someone so I'm not the only one who sees this. His 2 sisters one 17 became distant until this summer when he wasn't with someone and his sister 9 also acts the same way since the day he shouted about her going downstaires when he had his grilfriend over and wanted privacy.

Sorry for the long letter but I hope it gives you an idea of what is going on.To this day I am checking on him to make sure he is going to scholl. I think my behavoir also has to stop and I am fight with myself daily and have all the signs of deep depression.

Thank you robert
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Excuse the spelling errors, can't think straight.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Hello Robert. Your son seems to be an very hard working individual who seems to know exactly what he wants in his life although he is still young to be out on his own and engaged. Hopefully, the women in his life are not using him for his money. What you must do is to allow your son to be the adult that he is. He may make some good decisions and choices and some bad ones along the way. You must accept his path that he has chosen. It is understandable that you feel so much pain because you seem to have been such an integral guiding force in his life. You probably feel like he is abandoning you. Those are perfectly normal feelings. There is nothing wrong with you. Just give yourself time to adjust to your son's situation. If your feelings of depression seem to be consuming your time more frequently, I would suggest you seek professional counseling to learn intervention and coping strategies in dealing with your adult son. If you need further assistance, just ask!
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Expert:  proexpert37 replied 5 years ago.
Thank you so much!!! Hope everything works out. Give it time.