Parenting

Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Parenting
This answer was rated:

Going through a divorce. Ex is not speaking with me. After

5 months of living separately...
Going through a divorce. Ex is not speaking with me. After 5 months of living separately, I met someone and after another 5 months, I moved in with him. My 17 year old son is hating everything. He was withdrawn and had his misfits circle around him. He's now being mean to me because I made him move in with us. He hadn't seen his dad for months but after 9 months, I am making him live with him for 4 days (school days) and 3 days with us. He's still unhappy. I don't know what to do. He's refusing counseling, he's refusing everything.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Answered in 40 minutes by:
10/12/2011
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
Verified
Hello and thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your son. How was your relationship with your son before the divorce? How was his overall temperament as well? Are you able to talk to him at all about the situation? Does your son have a good relationship with his dad? Thank you.
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
For the first 5 months after we moved out (I told him he had a choice but that I'd prefer him with me because I am more stable), he was a part of the decision making process of what we bought (new tv...etc) and he functioned fine as long as no boundaries were imposed. I let him have his girlfriend over and overnight, his friends came and went and stayed...etc. school was OK, never great.
I met my fiance and about the same time came to my "senses" about what kind of a parent I was being. No more overnight stays w/girlfriend (no need to imagine what I was saying OK to), I stopped giving him everything. He always disrespected me but I was so used to it that I no longer saw it. So, attempting to put a stop to it.
My fiance pushed him a while toward a "happy" new family. Soon to figure out that is not going to happen. We pulled back on that. My son is more mature in some ways and immature in terms of dealing with drama..etc.
The divorce - he knows I had to leave. He agrees. But, now that he is with his dad, he's having issues separating. Situation is exasperated by his dad refusing to talk to me. He is constantly put in the middle by him and sometimes (I really try not to cause I know that is not where he wants to be) by me. He's having to keep things from dad such as my fiance. He's also having issues separating such as asking me for money to buy groceries for his dad, or asking to be reimbursed for his dad's b-day gift. I was hoping by going over there, he'd figure out how nice he has it with us but it kind of backfired to "poor dad". Him and I went to a training for keeping kids first while getting ready to divorce. They gave him a paper of "rights" and we sat afterwards. He agreed I am doing everything right about this paper. For ex> "you have to right to love either or both parents without pressure". But, he is still very angry about the separation.
The usual teenage stuff is stressing him too. He's a senior so he has a lot to do...
He is not one to lash out (rarely) but he knows how to hurt me. For ex. the other night he said good night to everyone but walked right by me, not turning, a few steps later he said "good night mother". Deliberately trying to hurt me. He says he is happy for me but he doesn't want to live with my fiance and me. He says he is a great guy and a "friend material" but doesn't want him imposed on him.
Relationship with dad always has been precarious. He was and is afraid of dad and his temper. Not in a violent way but dad was in the army so he knows how to instill a fear of disapproval while I instilled "love". Seems dad was right - right about now. :(
Dad seems to also adopt a parenting method of the 'good' dad too. He's now letting his girlfriend stay overnight as long as she cooks dinner. He never allowed such a thing when we were together.
My son has a steady girlfriend who does give him support but she's only 18 and how much maturity I can expect out of that is questionable.
We sat him down and so did I separately - about not to stress about some of these things. He needs to have his eye on the big picture, we love him, we want his success, what can we do to help you...etc. each time it is back to square one.
Question 1 - My fiance says "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cut all relations. Don't pay for his school lunches, don't take him to work, cut off his cell phone...etc. until he becomes respectful. I pay for everything. His dad does nothing other than feed him. He doesn't even have a bed there. I think this is too extreme but I am tired of being so miserable too.
Question 2 - He asked for going back to his martial arts classes and punching bags. Is this enough? He refused counseling but I could 'make' him go. Should I?
Question 3 - I feel like I am choosing between my only child and my love for another man and his children. Am I choosing?
Question 4 - Likely he is jealous of these children and how much I am attached to them. What do you think?
Question 5 - Is leaving him be during the time he is with us a good idea? I want him to integrate. Mind you...his kids are gone while my son is with us so it's just the 3 of us.
Hello and thank you for being so thorough in your explanation.

Answer 1: Do not cut all relations now. When your son turns 18 and has graduated from high school, then you might try this tough love approach. If he refuses to live by the house rules, then he must find another place to live.

Answer 2: If the relationship between you and your son and is overall emotional well being are that important to you, then you should make him go to counseling. Additionally, you and your son should go to several sessions of family counseling because he seems to have several unresolved issues with you.

Answer 3: You should not have to feel like you are choosing a man and his children over your son. Your son's emotional problems have become your own. He must accept the fact that he will be part of a blended family. Life for him is very difficult. Besides the issues at home and being a senior, he is also struggling to find himself as he enters adulthood. He is fighting the feelings and actions of still being a teenager along with the responsibilities of being an adult. Then having a girlfriend is pulling him in all directions as well.

Answer 4: Your son is really hurting deep down inside because you and his dad are not together. It seems like your actions with your fiancé all happened in less than a years time. Usually, children are not introduced to a new partner until nine to twelve months of dating. Your son may feel like your partner is a complete stranger trying to take you away from him. You were all that he had left to provide for his needs and another man and his children invaded that sacred space. You can not go back and change things now though.

Answer 5: Your son should try to get to know your fiancé. It is fine to allow him to stay with you as it seems like the boundaries are too loose at his dad's house. Try to do things together...all 3 of you...at least once a week. Your son may be very resistant at first. Maybe have his girlfriend come along as well. Then slowly see if your son will take on outings with just your fiancé. If he wants to then great! Do not force the issues though.

Nonetheless, your son needs a neutral third party to intervene like a counselor or psychologist. He is harboring too many negative feelings about many things inside himself. One day, he may have a serious breakdown or explode with immense anger if he will not release his feelings in a healthy manner and discuss the issues that are not going to disappear.

Hope this helps. Have a great day.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
Verified
proexpert37 and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask proexpert37 Your Own Question
proexpert37
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
1,374 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor

proexpert37 is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Cher

Cher

Teacher

94 satisfied customers

Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2

Jennifer

Jennifer

School Psychologist

77 satisfied customers

Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.

professional_Alison

professional_Alison

Child Care

77 satisfied customers

Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

40 satisfied customers

Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Doctor

38 satisfied customers

PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy

Eveningstargazer

Eveningstargazer

Family Counselor

31 satisfied customers

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Family Counselor

21 satisfied customers

Licensed social worker and psychotherapist

< Previous | Next >

Related Parenting Questions
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher
This questions is about child psychology. Our dance teacher is preparing our child for a dance competition. She keeps telling the child not to be nervous , not to be afraid. It seems to produce an opp… read more
Gaurav Gupta
Gaurav Gupta
MD, CEO
Post-Doctoral Degree
22 satisfied customers
I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year
Hi Pearl I am a father of two, a four year old girl and a two year old boy. I would like to get some advice on how to calmly handle my two year old. He is quite a handful, and it gets especially frust… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her
My 13 year old daughter currently lives with my parents (her grandparents). My current wife (her stepmom) and I are visiting my parents for the holidays with our two daughters. My daughter who lives w… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
56 satisfied customers
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my
My 11 year old stepdaughter is causing problems between my boyfriend and I, we live together, and one of her biggest issues is that she doesn't stop lying, her lies go from “I didn't do it-to lying to… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with
My step daughter is 22 and opted to come back to live with us. I've been with her mom for 10 years now and this child now adult has always been very selfish. She puts herself first for everything and … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as
Our son, who is in grade 3, has severe dyslexia, as well as dysgraphia) which was diagnosed in grade one, but through the psych assessment we also learned he has extremely high cognitive ability. For … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to
i have a 6 year old about to turn seven.and im trying to teach him discipline because i don't wanna spank or hit. So ive been introducing tasks around the house. And geting him to say yes sir and no s… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has
Hi, I need adice how to approach a adopted daughter whom has started spreading untruths this is a brief only Thank you janys… read more
CamilleRN
CamilleRN
Registered Nurse, Director of Nursing
4,150 satisfied customers
Dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think
dear dr. my son is 12 years old he is smart in every think but when ever we will ask him to study he dont like. he make the face and you fell that he is sick. he sit long time for one subject to do hi… read more
danny541
danny541
Retired
608 satisfied customers
I raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me,
i raised my little girl for almost 4 years very close to me, to build a strong bond. i was a young single mom and did the best i knew how. i then ended up introducing someone into both of our lives th… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in
I have an 11 year old boy that is not doing his work in school. I have put him on punishment, and he knows I am in constant contact with his teacher. It is not that he can't do his work, it is that he… read more
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Dr. Y. Vasavada
Consultant Pediatrician
Doctoral Degree
2,246 satisfied customers
Whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in
whats the best rated kindergartens and elementary schools in the orange county and LA area.… read more
Michael
Michael
Research Librarian
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
84 satisfied customers
This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a
(This is not a duplicate question) This question is for a parenting expert. I have a 5 year old pre-adoptive child in my home. I am her 5th placement in 3 years. This week, she received a diagnosis of… read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Associate Professor of Communication
Doctoral Degree
102 satisfied customers
My three year old turning four in September still isn't
my three year old turning four in September still isn't potty trained. When he was two and a half his grandmother saw that he accidentally pooped his pants had lost her mind held him on the toilet and… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
953 satisfied customers
My step son argues with me about everything I say. I'm tired
I'm tired of it and want to say something in a loving way … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed
The internet says that when actress, Bette ******, passed away, she disinherited her daughter, B.D. *******, because B.D. ****** wrote a book about her saying that she was a drunk and all of that. In … read more
LegalGems
LegalGems
Juris Doctorate
10,698 satisfied customers
Far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled" Eyre"
far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. In chapter one, ***** *****, the son of the Reed family, scolds Jane Eyre for reading one of the Reed family's boo… read more
Cher
Cher
Teacher
Masters Degree
94 satisfied customers
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl who will be 6 y/o on March, 2018 and my son who will be 3 years old this month (nov, 2017).Their personalities are very different and I'm very… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
170 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x