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I had no idea where to put this. So if I am in the wrong spot

for expert, any guidance where...
I had no idea where to put this. So if I am in the wrong spot for expert, any guidance where best to direct my question, is most appreciated, stepdaughter had been planning a cruise wedding then reception, now we've heard is inviting wedding party. Her mom is violent, hospitalized, institutionalized for mental condition kind of violence, which she his directed at us, as recently as last (sending emails that ex mom is taking out restraining orders because we are driving by ex mom's, apartment while we are in another state by the way). The children don't know all these gorey details as they it only somehow makes them blame their dad, and so....in the best of circumstances we wouldn't in a room with her mom. Which she doe know. She knows her dad shows up separately for her graduation, or not at all. That he has his safety and sanity to deal with. Now for this invitation that we think is pending, I always thought it was outrageous for a wedding party to ask for a more than $100 for attire. But I see the trend in weddings is for destination weddings in age of entitlement when 16 year old believe in USA they MUST have cars, and cars that look good too, they also believe it is alright to ask others to spend (1) up to $1,000 on their wedding (2) their vacation time, precious and all to short vacation days on their wedding (3) without consideration for any travel phobias or other preferences, surely there are many who never want on a cruise ship. It seems to me to be so very selfish and yet I want to be able to handle this with compassion and in line with the wedding etiquette of the era. I appreciate help here.

I expect the info about the parents relationship is irrelevant to our stand on the wedding. I am not sure it is even an issue except that I think somehow the 25 year old will believe that bring her parents out on a ship makes it neutral ground, some type of magic world. A notion instilled by the mom no doubt, becauses cruises are a thing of the moms, and one way that she has kept the kids near her, by buying them trips on cruise ships with her after the 2 oldest were in college.
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Answered in 3 hours by:
9/27/2011
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. Thank you for the background information. What are your top 3 specific question/concerns? Thank you.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Dear Jordan1314, thanks for reply. Are these more workable? (1) What is the best way, the most compassionate way, to tell her, a cruise ship, is not a way we be present at her wedding, regardless if her mom is there. It is too much money, too much time, and not what we would chose to spend our time and money.

(2) Also, as parents, how best can we convey to her that, regardless of the current society trend, can we, let her know that we believe it is not good values to spring a cruise cost in both time in money in wedding party and wedding guests, especially when everyone had been expecting that she'd been going to be wed on a cruise just the two of them, and have something for the rest of us here, something we might help her plan, help her host in some way even. Her brother is stunned with the prospect of being left out as best man if he can't come up with cash for a cruise and he just burned up all his vacation time with his financee, who he proposed to on the vacation. Her news also takes the shiny off his engagement, which never had a chance to have its own. So we want her to understand that, not just for us, but in a broader sense, these are not values that are considerate, regardless of what wedding planners and the wedding industry is telling the world is perfectly within the bounds of etiquette. It just isn't. It is industry and sales. It will never be good and considerate values. We just don't see how it can and hope we can convey this lovingly. Can you help?

She seems to care about what our barameter is on these matters, though she doesn't seek our opinions outright, she especially listens to her father. Her dad, who is traveling before this week asked that I try Just Answer with our questions, to help us prepare. This has been a place we've come with medical questions and other questions, with so much good direction, we thought, before he left for the road, why not?

Sorry all our notes were a jumble on the first round there.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Jordan1314, please reply ANYTHING to this so I can ACCEPT (even if it is blank), so you may get paid something for taking time to read it (the only expert who tried). I have ask this to be locked so please come on line here soon to just reply even a blank form so that it might even trigger an accept button. i've just decided it's too complicated and personal for a forum like this and wanted it locked. But am on a subscription so all I need is an accept button to appear, I will hit it and you will get paid, am hoping to do this before the LOCK process happens. I didn't know when or if you would be coming back, but since I see you online here, and this doesn't seem to be locked yet (I've never asked that before so I don't kjnow how that looks) am hoping can get you to reply so I can accept. Again, just reply "ok", all I want is the chance to "accept" in gratitude that you took the time even to try to work this out into individual questions. and perhaps we'll see you for a question (less complex!) in the future. Looks like you are doing great work out here!!!
Hello and Thank You for clearing up the situation. "Destination weddings" are the newest trend. However, many brides are saddened when many of their guests cannot attend. Just be open and honest with your step daughter. Tell her that economic times are tough and people cannot afford a cruise and take off time from work. If she wants to have a small wedding on the ship and a larger reception back at home, that would be so much more appropriate.
The decision will ultimately be her decision, but approach the issue in a gentle and loving way and she should be willing to listen.

Have a wonderful day.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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All of your feelings are valid points and should be brought up when you talk to your step daughter. Take care.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
thanks for the last bit about them being valid points, we appreciate that vote of confidence before we meet up with her on the weekend. I hope you are getting the wee bonus and the feedback written. I see it came through our payment stuff but am not see it yet on JustAnswer. sure hope you are!

It especially feels like you might take our point about our son not getting his glow and celebration time from his own engagement, as it is all overshadowed by the fret and fears of wedding party and guests over how to handle when the 'cruise invitation' lands on them, or doesn't land. and then of course not getting invited has a whole other implication, who didn't make the cut of something so exotic, trendy. It is just pretty emotionally charged. Seems to be taking much of the stuff of "couple's dream, 'including family and friends on fun' right out of the whole process. So far since it has gone from the private cruise to reception back here, all are mystified why the change, and dread about what comes next in terms of family expectations. Everyone wants to be able to say the "right" and "happy" thing, but also need to know they have the right to take care of themselves, especially where jobs and budgets are concerned, espeically when they are about to start marriages of their own, are still in college (so many of the parties involved in wedding party, including brides and grooms).

well, you get the picture(s), obviously.

and I do believe replying just "Yes" again will give me another ACCEPT button and you will get paid again. At least that part is working real good here :-)
Yes, you are correct in that the brother does not have a chance to shine. It may be wise just to sit back and see how things play out. If you offer advice and your step daughter follows it, but then things don't go well, you will be blamed forever. She really just needs to have a simple wedding. Maybe she is trying to outdo what her brother may have. Maybe she is caught up in the royal wedding or the Kardashian wedding and wants to be over the top. Once she comes back down to reality, she will realize that all the glitz and glamour does not matter in these times. Just the simple fact of having family come together is more important.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
FOR JORDAN 1314 ONLY
To Shine yes. That is the word could come up with, shiny came to me, shiny couldn't. But exactly.

got your point about the forever blame forever bit too.

As DeNiro says to Billy Crystal in the films we LOVED, Analyze This and Analze That: You're good you, you, you're good!! Sometimes it is just such relief to have another human that isn't judging, that wants the best for everyone, and it is clear is advising without any agendas whatsoever.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
FOR JORDAN 1314 ONLY
To Shine yes. That is the word could come up with, shiny came to me, shiny couldn't. But exactly.

got your point about the forever blame forever bit too.

As DeNiro says to Billy Crystal in the films we LOVED, Analyze This and Analze That: You're good you, you, you're good!! Sometimes it is just such relief to have another human that isn't judging, that wants the best for everyone, and it is clear is advising without any agendas whatsoever.
You are too kind!!!!!!!!!!! Have a great day.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
there is no ACCEPT button this time, though I'd be glad to press it. Just wanted you to know, it's just hard for me to understand entirely when they will arrive and when they won't. and there is text above in your reply asking me specifically to press ACCEPT BUTTON and even to include POSTIVE FEEBACK and A BONUS. PayPal took a bonus and I've left positive feedback but I don't see either reflected here. I'm sorry I don't have time right now to chase it down. It is such a very small amount of money and we are completely overwhellmed, one of the reasons we are writing to you for help in the first place. But I wanted you to be aware of this situation. Also the email that notified me you'd replied to me worded it that you'd given a RESPONSE. I'll just paste it... kinda bewildered. Not familiar with particular protocol for JUST ANSWER and do not have time to take it up with the Customer Service staff. Like I said, just thought you'd like to be aware of it.
Hello,
I'm ready to answer your Parenting question, but I need some more information to provide a full answer. Please answer me as soon as possible so that I can get back to you right away. View my response >
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I WANTED THIS TO GO JUST TO JORDAN1314!!! I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE, THE QUESTION WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSE TO BE LOCKED THE DAY I ASKED IT AND HERE IT IS BEING OPENED WIDE UP AGAIN...
Here I am and there will be an Accept button.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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When you accept, I will request the question to be locked.
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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Verified
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Ask proexpert37 Your Own Question
proexpert37
proexpert37
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