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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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For the past two years I have been going through a separation/divorce

Customer Question

For the past two years I have been going through a separation/divorce and my 6 year old daughter has been spending a lot of time with my Dad. He has grown very close to her over this time period and was more active in her life than I was for a long time. Now that my divorce is over and I have a new girlfriend and newborn 3 month old baby, my daughter has moved in with me and my ex wife gave me full custody of my daughter. This was very hard on my dad because he doesnt see her as much as he used too. Anyway the reason I write is because at this point I am now facing a little problem. My father and I discussed him having my daughter over on the weekends and I dont have a problem with that. However my father is a very strong minded person and i can even remember growing up I never had a lot of say or choice in certain things and because my daughter grew up with him through her younger years he has kind of molded her into someone who basically just listens to his advice and trust him unconditionally. So for example he would tell my daughter he's taking her too his house for the weekend and she would agree. I didnt see a problem with that but my new girlfriend did. So we told my daughter that it was her choice and she could make her own decisions now and didnt have to be forced. I agree with this and for the past few weekends my daughter said what she wanted to do. but now for this weekend my Dad is so excited and looking forward to her coming over and my daughter told him she would and now she changed her mind and my dad doesnt know yet. I feel like it will crush him and its so akward and uncomfortable for me to do this to him as well. My dad thinks that children just have to do things sometimes regardless of what they want to do. Is this the case now?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
As the full custodial parent, you should be the authoritative figure as to when your daughter visits and when she does not. It is alright to let her make somewhat of a choice, however when she gets to be a teen ager, she is going to think she still has control in situations. Your dad will have to come to terms with the choices that YOU make and the limits and boundaries. YOU are the dad. You have the control and power.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Well right now she is saying that she doesnt want to go, but you are saying the choice is mine or hers? And
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.

The choice should be yours. You are the decision maker. Do not give that power to your daughter. Make sure though that you understand her feelings and respect them and comfort her if you want her to go and she does not.