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What do I do to stop my oldest child, 11, from bullying her

Customer Question
younger sister,9, lying, and throwing...
What do I do to stop my oldest child, 11, from bullying her younger sister,9, lying, and throwing temper tantrums when confronted? Her behavior is creating serious chaos in our home, and my 3 year old is starting to emulate her behavior. My oldest is a straight A student, has a lot of terriffic qualities, and we have many periods of great peace in our home. This behavior seems to come out of the blue and always surprises me and the other children.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Parenting
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Answered in 27 minutes by:
8/15/2011
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the bullying problem with your 11 year old daughter. Children usually bully because they feel inadequate about themselves with regards to some aspect in their lives. They therefore redirect these feelings and take them out on usually younger children. Additionally, it often seems natural for the oldest child to pick on the younger children because they simply know that they have the ability to do so.

 

Therefore, there are a few things that you can do. First of all. it is a very wise idea that your husband is taking your daughter to the gym. If she is able to shed pounds, she will develop greater self esteem and feel absolutely wonderful about herself and will be able to buy even more cute clothes. For your 11 year old, you may need to create a behavior chart...a daily one. For every time period during the day like morning , afternoon, and evening when she has progressed through each time period without bullying, then she receives a star, happy face, or sticker. If she bullies, she receives nothing but a reminder as to the correct behavior. Make sure she also states what the correct behavior should have been. Then after a she has received 15-20 stars or whatever (you decide the amount), she will receive a special small treat, reward, or outing. The goal is to focus more on the positive behavior and REALLY praise and reward her for it. Also, ignore her tantrums. She just wants attention and do not give into her demands.

 

On the other hand, you must teach your other daughter, the 9 year old, to speak up when she is bullied. Teach her how to use an "I" message to her sister. When she is bulled, she needs to say (for example), " I do not like it when (you call me names) because it makes me feel (sad) and I want you (to say nicer words to me). Your 9 year old can role play several scenarios with you so she knows exactly what to say. Believe me, it will cause your daughter to stop and think about what she is doing.

 

Have a great day!!!

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Relist: Answer quality.
A licensed psychologist was the one who popped up when I asked this question, and I was under the impression she was who would answer; that's why I paid the deposit. The answer I recieved is one that I've already tried, and while I appreciate a teacher who is also a parent's opinion, I already have several friends who are teachers and have tried all of the classroom management techniques here at home to no avail. I need a mental health professional's opinion.
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
Ok..no problem. The question is open to other available experts. Hopefully, you will receive a more suitable answer. Have a great day!!!
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