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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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my 20 yr old daughter [heather] works deli at a grocery store

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my 20 yr old daughter [heather] works deli at a grocery store and having a hard time getting more hours. with the little bit of time they schedule her per week, it is impossible for her to afford anything except a little room and board from home. jobs are very scarce where we live but we can't afford to move. i am in northeast vermont and my family is in ct, tn and al. i want to move closer to my brothers, especially in tn as he has young kids [toddlers] and i want them to know me as they grow up. it is hard to explain, but i need to live closer to my family as they are all i have. i have been divorced over 10 yrs and my 2 kids are old enough to be on their own. my son is in the army national guard. i can't and won't leave heather on the street as i can't do that and live with myself. i know she has to experience the world, but she is entering her 3rd yr college and has a boyfriend [VERY nice guy, lives nearby] of 5 yrs and won't leave here. i can transfer with my job to tn or al, but THE problem is concern for heather. my parents were here for me when i moved to vt leaving an abusive marriage. i care too much for heather to leave her.....not sure what to do or what i can do. she has checked into apartments or wherever with a friend to stay, but she still can't afford it. right now she only pays for her one prescription, her cell phone and her car--gas, oil changes, etc. i pay everything else in the house. i asked her to pay me $150 r&b....she said she can barely afford that. she does get outside jobs [house sitting for pets when people take trips], but that doesn't really go far. what can i do....what should i do. i don't want to b home any more. i find my peace and solace/calming when i am at work. thinking about that sounds pathetically sad. thank you, XXXXX XXXXX
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. It is very admirable that you care so deeply about the personal well being of your daughter. Right now because of the economy, it is a struggle for everyone. Quite possibly when your daughter graduates from college then she will have more available time to find more employment. Right now the best course of action is to at least stay in the area until your daughter graduates from college. She is still so young and does need your guidance as she finishes her schooling.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
a big problem heather has is she procrastinates and does things i need/ask her to do when feel feels like it. she was offered an apartment by her boyfriends grandmother for $100/mo and didn't talk to the grandmother until it was too late and someone else got the apartment. her rent would have been very reduced! i asked her to go to unemployment office to look for work but she doesn't reply and doesn't go. she only goes to certain places and would not look at certain places. my mom has told me she really doesn't want a better job very much. she can be very hard to live or be with when she has had a bad day at work, which seems to be almost every day. she is trying to get into the store i work at, but she waited too long and others were hired. i know we will be hiring again, but not for a few weeks. she has given up on them. she started going to college for culonary arts, but has since changed her major to english. she is trying to get out of food service work, but with no real experience, it is hard to get into offices, retail or much that is available.....i hate it when she gets stubborn. i think that is my real problem [or one of them, she has a tendency to be very rude to me, like she is the parent and doesn't really care]. i got out of an abusive marriage---i was mentally and emotionally abused for 7 yrs before i left...
Hello and Thank You for responding. Sometimes as a parent, you must allow your child to learn from their mistakes. You can provide only so much guidance and direction. Your daughter must realize that as an adult, she has the responsibilities that will determine the path that her life will take. Maybe it might help if your daughter went to a few counseling sessions to help her learn how to be more focused and self directed. You may also want to seek counseling to learn intervention and coping strategies on dealing with an adult child.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
sorry i have not responded, but i can't always get online every day. i do appreciate your reply. my daughter thinks i need counseling, although i have gone thru counseling and therapy for the abuse i went thru with my ex. my daughter is her own person and pretty much only does what she wants. i have recently thought about what would make me happy right now. the only answer i come to is having my own apartment closer to my family in tennessee and let heather experience and deal with life and learn for herself. the biggest thing that haunts me is her saying 'please don't leave, i could not survive---where would i live?' sorry, but i feel all kinds of guilt because i care inside my heart, and i know she knows this. i am trying to get her to help me with expenses more than she has, like room and board, her car ins...but she needs a better paying job, which is not plentiful by any means. also hard for her to work full time going to college [her 3rd yr] because i did it in late 70's and it was hard for me then. thank you so much for keeping in touch....i hope i have added more light to my problem/situation. look forward to your response. diane
Hello...I will give you a detailed response tomorrow as it is rather late here. I will not forget about you.Laughing
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thx much for your response. i totally understand about ur responding in detail tomorrow. i know you will not forget about me, either. i look forward to hearing from you when you get the chance tomorrow. take care and god bless always, diane
Hello Diane. I am sure that your head is spinning every day with all of the things going on in your life. One day in the very near future, you need to sit down with Heather when she is in a good mood and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her what your plans are with regards XXXXX XXXXX I get a sense that you REALLY want to move to be with your family. Make sure that when you are talking to Heather, she is really listening. After you finish explaining your situation and feelings, let Heather explain her feelings and what her plans are if you leave and she stays or she may even want to move with you. She needs to be mature in her explanations and offer solutions to any difficulties that you forsee if she stays or leaves. You and she need to both come up with a mutually agreed upon solution. I strongly believe that even just a few sessions of family counseling with you and her would help both of you. I know it is hard to let your "little girl" go out into the big world but she does not seem ready to spread her wings and fly because of her irresponsibilities. If you leave and she stays, she may be forced to grow up real fast but the guilt you will feel will consume you. There is no right answer. You have to decide what you want to do in your heart. It needs to be a decision that you can live with.Laughing
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i know she would say she doesn't need counseling but i still do for what my life/background has been like. i do feel bad/guilty as to how i had to bring my kids up, although my son says he is fine and happy with himself. i wanted to bring my kids up better than i did, but i my ex and i didn't have all that in common and things got bad quickly. when i got pregnant with heather, a very good friend just said to me 'are you nuts bringing a child into this?' i understood what she meant [things were that bad] but i didn't want to have an only child and i lost my first pregnancy. i think now this might be the result of heather's childhood. can't say i blame her and i can't really do anything to correct it, all is in the past. at this point for her to stay in this area [she won't move with me] and live with someone [she can barely afford $150/mo to pay me], she would put a sob story to a friend [she already has] about needing a place to live...the friend she did this to was going to charge her $300/mo and didn't want her to b out on the street. she told me about this and i felt like what this person must think of me!!? then heather asked me to help her pay half because she could not afford to pay the 300 herself. after thinking about it, i can't afford to give her anything as long as i still live here so i told her to pay me the 150 and stay living here. when my job transfer comes thru, i am not sure what she will do, but the botXXXXX XXXXXne is more of she needs a better job paying more as she will b part time work when she returns to college soon. am i on the right track with this or is there something else you can think of that i could live with and not feel guilty about anything. i am also on anti-depression med that i take every day....when heather makes me feel bad for something i need to take something more. i feel inside when i get out of this situation i am almost positive i can get off the med, but time will tell. thank you for your response. you make me think about things and feel better after i think and reply to you. sorry it took so long to get back with u last time. take care and god bless always, diane
Hello Diane. If Heather does not want to move with you, then you must move without her. It seems as though you may be enabling her to always take the easy way because she uses you as her crutch. When she gets in a bind, she makes her problems your problems which is unfair to you. If you have moved away, she is going to be forced to get a better job and make her own decisions. I doubt she will be out on the street. She seems like she has friends who care about her and would take her in until she could get on her feet. Sometimes, you must let your child go. You made mistakes in the past but you cannot change the past. You still have your own life to live and cannot consume your every thought worrying about your daughter. She has to grow up sometime and make decisions herself and learn from them.
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