Parenting

Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Parenting

My 20-21 year old nephew from upstate NY is driving 4 hours

Customer Question
to come and talk with...
My 20-21 year old nephew from upstate NY is driving 4 hours to come and talk with me because he's been feeling very sad. I understand that one of the issues is that he's having trouble fitting in and accepting the friends around him because of drinking. Having seen his Mom and Dad both have trouble with alcohol, he has always been dead set against it. Now his peers are all indulging too heavily and he's having trouble respecting them.

My personal feeling is that moderation is the aceptable. I, myself, have never been drunk in my life as I never drink more than 2 drinks at any one gathering. But to avoid it and not respect others for drinking is only dividing him from his peers.

How would you advise this young man?
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Parenting
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Parenting Question
Answered in 36 minutes by:
7/21/2011
Parenting Counselor: Dr. Keane, Family Counselor replied 6 years ago
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
Experience: Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
Verified

Dr. Keane :

I can help you today. Alcohol causes all sorts of feelings to emerge in a person who comes from an alcoholic family. Many kids have decided never to drink due to their fear of repeating the behavior they have seen at home. However, there are those who choose to drink in moderation and not be so "black or white" about alcohol. If he is looking to you for advice on the subject you should tell him your feelings regarding alcohol however do not try to convince him to do the same. He is smart since he knows his peers are all drinking heavily or too often. What you can do is validate that you hear what he is saying and offer alternatives such as different choices, friends who don't drink as much (they are out there), school clubs where the groups are not into the party scene. If he is having a problem respecting them I give him credit for his maturity, unfortunately he is going to need a chance in his social life and find new friends.

Dr. Keane :

change not chance.

Customer:

Yes, thank you for that. Finding new friends is not trivial, even his girlfriend is among those who he is having trouble with because she drinks. I am wondering about his tolerence level, whether he doesn't mind them having a beer or starts getting upset when they start going too far. Finding new friends is not easy and he can feel very alone along the way

Customer:

I am going to guess that he is frustrated that he cannot convince them to his way of thinking and the evils associated with drinking. I am sure he feels like he doesn't fit-in, I know I didn't when I was in college.

Dr. Keane :

It is difficult when one doesn't feel as though they fit in and as mature adults we can offer up our experiences as proof that it does get better, but they want instant remedies which we don't have. Fitting in with the "group" is a choice and there are always other choices. Unfortunately it takes maturity and time to figure that out. I would suggest you just validate what he is feeling and get him to express what he would like to see happen. It's unrealistic to think they will not drink at all (especially while they are in college) . He trusts you enough to drive four hours to talk and maybe he just needs a sympathetic ear and reassurance.

Dr. Keane :

I would tell him that it's his choice and he needs to look beyond the here and now. That friends come and go, and that his fear of alcohol may not necessarily be their fears and he needs to respect that they make their own decision too. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that he has to make his own choices and he can't control others.

Customer:

Just wanted to follow-up, we had dinner together. My nephew has stopped seeing his girl friend because he can't handle that she drinks, even a little. It doesn't bother him that some of his friends drink, it's just his girl friend that he doesn't like drinking. It's not because he's trying to control her, just the opposite, he has "set her free" to mature and explore these experiences in hopes that she will outgrow them so they can be together in the future. He finds it too stressful that she drinks and he cannot worry about her as it causes he a lot of anxiety. So, his now X-girlfriend is his friend and dating others. He is jealous of her talking to another guy around him (texting, on the phone), she even asks his advice about him. I felt that he is hanging on and putting himself in an unfair position, kind of in a limbo. He hasn't moved on, but he's waiting for her and it will clearly take a long time for her to evolve, if she ever does. Interesting situation.

Dr. Keane :

it is a mature decision he made although it will be painful for him at times. He is standing by his beliefs and doing what is best for him. Glad you were there for him. Please accept so I get credit for my responses.

Dr. Keane :

Thanks for the follow up too.

Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
Experience: Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children
Verified
Dr. Keane and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. Keane Your Own Question
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,768
1,768 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Parenting Workshops, Teacher, PHD Clinical Psychology, 30 yrs. Exp. 4 Children

Dr. Keane is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

Cher

Cher

Teacher

93 satisfied customers

Extensive Experience working with Children/Teens; M.A. Teacher/Tutor 40+ yrs.; Parent of 2

Jennifer

Jennifer

School Psychologist

77 satisfied customers

Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.

professional_Alison

professional_Alison

Child Care

77 satisfied customers

Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

40 satisfied customers

Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Doctor

38 satisfied customers

PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy

Eveningstargazer

Eveningstargazer

Family Counselor

31 satisfied customers

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Family Counselor

21 satisfied customers

Licensed social worker and psychotherapist

< Previous | Next >

Related Parenting Questions
Far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled" Eyre"
far, I have only read chapter one of the book titled "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte. In chapter one, ***** *****, the son of the Reed family, scolds Jane Eyre for reading one of the Reed family's boo… read more
Cher
Cher
Teacher
Masters Degree
93 satisfied customers
The internet says that when actress, Bette, passed away, she
The internet says that when actress, Bette Davis, passed away, she disinherited her daughter, B.D. Hyman, because B.D. Hyman wrote a book about her saying that she was a drunk and all of that. In B.D.… read more
LegalGems
LegalGems
Juris Doctorate
10,196 satisfied customers
My husband and I have been looking for a home for 7 years
My husband and I have been looking for a home for 7 years and due to several of my restrictions and safety concerns have not been able to find one until now. My 8 year old daughter is on board and wou… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
I am very concerned about my 11 year old daughter. She has
Dear Sir/Madam, I am very concerned about my 11 year old daughter. She has been away from me for about 2 years, and finally now I am seeing her every weekend. She has always been a girl who loved pink… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl
I am currently married with 2 children: a 5 year old girl who will be 6 y/o on March, 2018 and my son who will be 3 years old this month (nov, 2017).Their personalities are very different and I'm very… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
What is my best defense against a group of people that are
what is my best defense against a group of people that are contributing to the delinquency of a minor?… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
My 2 yrs old just started climbing out her bed 3 nights ago.
Hi, My 2 yrs old just started climbing out her bed 3 nights ago. We switched her bed to toddler bed last night with side railing but then she refused to sleep in it. We had to put back her crib side b… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
My 8 years old daughters complains about everyrhing.
My 8 years old daughters complains about everyrhing. Sometimes when she tells me that she is feeling sick I don´t believe her because I don´t think it´s true. Latetly she has complain about pain in he… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
How can a 23 year old female work through / get over built
How can a 23 year old female work through / get over built up anger / resentment / feelings of loss over having grown up in a divorced home with need for both parents, not just one? This high-function… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
My daughter is 14 years old, my husband and I are very
My daughter is 14 years old, my husband and I are very protective, she feels we do not trust her, which is not the case, but we just don't trust the boys out there. We live in a good neighborhood, whi… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
446 satisfied customers
I'm having problems w my 19yo stepson, he doesnt respect me.
I'm having problems w my 19yo stepson, he doesnt respect me. He's been living wiih us frm the age of 8yo. anything I say bothers him he is lazy, doesnt do anything in the hse just free loader, no coll… read more
Marie
Marie
506 satisfied customers
I am driving myself bonkers! My daughter 15 1/2 only child.
Hi ! I am driving myself bonkers! My daughter 15 1/2 only child. I am so terrified when shes not with me or in her room safe and sound! When she leaves for school, i pray for her safe trip, good day, … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I am having major problems with my 15 year old daughter. how
Hi, I am having major problems with my 15 year old daughter. how do you help. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
My daughter is 5 years old and doesn't finish her school
My daughter is 5 years old and doesn't finish her school work from talking so much. She is spoiled, and doesn't listen to anybody anymore. How do we get her to listen to authority without spanking her… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
My 9 year old son has these episodes where he crys loudly
My 9 year old son has these episodes where he crys loudly over small things like taking a shower. He's great at school and in sports but just has a bad attitude at home when he's asked to do something… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
54 satisfied customers
What should i do with an incorrigible teen? He dislikes mom,
what should i do with an incorrigible teen? He dislikes mom, won't go along with the rules, keeps running away using interesting methods of escape, wants his own job and apartment, thinks he's grown u… read more
Jennifer
Jennifer
School Psychologist
Master's Degree
77 satisfied customers
This is a hard topic to discuss and I feel like a broken
Second opinion] This is a hard topic to discuss and I feel like a broken record asking this and that about what to do about my and our kids situation.To summarize, my spouse and I had an argument whil… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Licensed Professional Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
54 satisfied customers
My seven-year-old son has dyslexia and he is in second
My seven-year-old son has dyslexia and he is in second grade. He is reading but he reads slow. We are seeing great progress. He also has a tutor helping him that specializes in this disorder.With this… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
167 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x