Hello and Thank You for responding. The doctor's route is always an option. Since you are not ready to travel that route, then you must be consistent and firm with your behavioral modification techniques. Stop focusing on all of the negative things that your daughter does. Set up a reward chart for each day broken up by morning, afternoon, and evening or like:
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
Display the chart in an area for all to see like on the refrigerator. For every time period of the day in which she behaves well, give her a sticker on the chart. If she behaved well for the entire week, she would receive 21 stickers. But let's say that you have established a goal of receiving 10 stickers to start for the week. When she meets that goal for excellent behavior, praise and reward her. Take her to the park. let her visit a favorite friend or relative. Buy an inexpensive toy or book. Take her out for ice cream. The goal is to try and change her behavior by focusing on the positive and make her feel more responsible for her own actions. Then for the subsequent weeks, you can increase the goal by 1 or 2 stickers until you start observing more appropriate behavior. If negative behavior is displayed, she receives nothing but make a little notation on the chart and what the behavior was. Like you have done before, make sure that she understands and verbally can express what the correct behavior should have been. I know that you have used a reward chart in the past but maybe this one can help.
Also, children love to role play and play dress up. You can role play with your daughter but you be your daughter and let your daughter be you so she can see how she appears to others. It will be interesting how she perceives you. Then you can discuss the experience and her feelings.
To assist your daughter more appropriately, she must verbalize her feelings when she is calm. Teach her how to use " I " messages instead of having tantrums. When she is unhappy or feels upset, teach her to say, "I feel unhappy because I cannot.... and I want.... This really makes her stop and think what is bothering her and what needs to change. But it needs to be said in a calm manner. She can also write it down . It makes her feel more accountable.
You can also buy a fancy and decorative journal. When she is having a meltdown, tell her in order to calm down she must first draw a picture of what is bothering her in her journal and write a sentence about it. When she has finished, you can discuss the issue.
Also, give her more leadership responsibilities. Let her pick out where the family will go out to dinner. Let her pick out SOME of her new school clothes and supplies. Allow her to go grocery shopping with you and "help you" pick out the desired foods. She needs to feel more confident and appreciated in a different way.