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my daughter is 14 1/2 years old. I recently found cigarettes

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my daughter is 14 1/2...
my daughter is 14 1/2 years old. I recently found cigarettes in her bag which she claimed were not hers. I told her she was grounded for the weekend but she has defied me and gone out anyway. She said she would rather take the consequences of running away than being grounded. she has told me she will not be coming home tonight. I feel that she has me over a barrel and that she is in control as she seems to be doing whatever she likes can you help me with the best way forward?
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Parenting
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7/16/2011
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the experience with your daughter. Where is your daughter now? Are both parents in the household? Does your daughter usually go out on the weekends? Do you know much about her friends?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

hi my daughter is still out and i received one text from her yesterday after i asked where she was staying she told me the name of a girl who i know little about. I am divorced from her father and both my daughter and I have been living with my partner for the last two years. ye s my daughter usually goes into town at the weekends to meet her friends and a boyfriend who has been on the scene for the last 18 months on and off. more on than off for the last 6 months. i know a couple of her friends but she tends to be out with them rather than bring them back to the house so i can't say i know tha tm uch about them. She has one friend who lives near by who i really like and i know her mum a little. I have spoken to this mum a little about various things to do with the girls. Does this help with giving me some advise on how to tackle this?

Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago

Thank you for responding. One problem that has occurred is that your daughter has had way too much freedom. You are correct in the sense that she feels like she can do whatever she wants. You need to know who her friends are and her exact whereabouts at all times. Since she has run away this time, she may actually be staying with the boyfriend someplace. You can not be 100% sure that she is with the friend that she claims she is staying with. What you can do is to contact your local police department. When your daughter runs away and you have no idea where she is, you can file a missing person's report and they will search for her. When your daughter realizes that the police are involved, she may accept the seriousness of her actions.

 

Your daughter cannot run away from her problems. Just continue to be as loving and supportive as you can even though you will not agree with her lifestyle. When she runs away, she is really seeking attention and desperately crying out for help. You need to be there for her and try to discover the cause of her behavior. Talk to her about what has been going on in her life. Tell her that you are concerned about the choices that she is making. Tell her that you want to to help get through the challenging teen age years . She may be out with her friends and feeling the pressures or trying alcohol and drugs and even to have sex with her boyfriend. You need to discuss all of these things with your daughter before she is influenced by her friends.

 

If you cannot break through to your daughter, then and additional route would be to seek professional counseling for yourself in dealing with your daughter and for your daughter in dealing with the pressures of being a teen.

 

Hope this provides you with some insight. Have a great Sunday!!!

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you for your thoughts. She has returned and i have tried to talk to her. SHe says she hates living with me and that i and my partner are boring and don't let her do anything!! She says I'm strict compared to her friends parents!! She feels she can't talk to me I asked her why she felt that way and she can only shrug her shoulders which is reaIElly frustrating. I try to understand her but it's like banging my head against a brick wall. I told her that if this were to happen again I would go to the police and I would stop her mobile phone as she is attatched to that with dear life. She almost laughed at me and said why would I involve the police when I know where she is. I tried to explain my responsibilities as an adult but i don't think she really gets it. I am now in a dilehma as to what is the best way to deal with this. IE what punishment should I give her as clearly grounding her is useless !! Should i remove priveldges like her lap top, make her do more round the house and try and stop her from going into town on a saturday to meet up with her friends?? can you advise??
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
You are the parent and do not have to be her friend. It sounds as though your daughter's friends have no boundaries for their children. You need to establish boundaries. If she breaks the rules, she suffers the consequences. Take away her cell phone and computer. Disrespect must not be tolerated. Obviously, she does not want the police involved but that just might scare her into behaving more appropriately. She is just acting like a typical teenager who says living at home is boring and hate their parents and that their friends lives are better. You must lay down the law and tell her that she must abide by the house rules. If not, would it be better if she lived with her dad to give you an emotional break? I think counseling may be in order. Your daughter thinks she is the one in control and at 14 1/2, there is no way she should remain in such a position.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Thank you for your reply. There is no way she can go and live with her father as he is a totally irresponsible parent. I know that he smokes pot, has an anger problem and lives in a total hole. My daughter has not been to see him for over a year because of this. i know that she sometimes talks to him on face book . However last night I heard her talking to him on the phone which is obviously because she knows he will take her side as he has no boundaries. There is a little more to this than I have previously said. I have another older daughter 18 now. Who at 14 starting pushing the boundaries until I could take no more. At the time she was smoking, drinking and her attitude was appalling. With all this going on I had no support from her father who contsantly told her that I was not worth listening to. the culmination of all this was she held a party at my house when I was away caused £5000 worth of damage to the house and the police were called. I could take no more at this point and said to her father that he should have her for a couple of weeks. the end result was that she never came back to me as she refused. Her Dad has always let her do what she wanted so as a teenager this was far more attractive to her. I have a better relationship with my older daughter now and she can see what her father is like. There have been various things in her 3 years of living with him that have made her see him for what he is. So i think you can understand that it would be my worse nightmare if Molly ( my youngest) were to go down the same route. However my problem at the moment is that I know if I reign her in ie punish her for her bad behaviour this is going to push her towards her father and I can't take that again it has been like living a nightmare for the last 3 years! ! I would appreciate your thoughts on all of this please

Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago

Thank youu for the background information about your 14 year old. She is simply imitating the actions of her older sister. She therefore wants you to push her to the limit of going to live with her dad so that she can truly reeign and do whatever she pleases.

 

Thus, you need to take a different route with your 14 year old daughter so that history does not repeat itself. You and her need to seek family therapy or counseling on an on going basis. You cannot do this alone. You are trying but you need additional assistance. Your daughter needs to own up and face her problems. You need to have open and honest discussions with her with the guidance of a counselor.

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
ok that sounds like a good idea as I really don't want history repeating itself. As you are probably aware I live in the UK and I would not know where to start re findng a good counsellor. I would feel uneasy about just picking one from the internet. Do you have any advise as to how I could find a good cousellor??
Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
If your daughter has a regular physician or pediatrician, he/she can provide you with the right direction in seeking a counselor. If not, ask the psychologist if there is one at your daughter's school to provide you with referrals as well.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

one more question please. My daughter and I are not talking at the moment. I did try and talk to her yesterday, her lap top has been confiscated, her pocket money stopped and I have asked her to come straight home from school rather than going into town which she sometimes does. Do you think the best thing is to not talk to her to show her that i am still displeased with her.... if that makes sense?? I just think if I talk to her as normal ie ask her if she's had a good day at school etc she will think I have forgotten what she has done and therefore it may happen again??

Parenting Counselor: proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach replied 6 years ago
Hello...You need to keep the lines of communication open and honest between you and your daughter. You can talk to her in a normal manner and still let her know when you are not happy with her actions and have not forgotten about them. If you do not bring it up, she WILL resort to her bad habits. She wants your attention. She needs your love and support. Be there for your daughter in the good and the bad times. Always be the authority figure and never let her manipulate you or have the upper hand in any situation. :)
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