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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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I have another question. Im a 27 year old male. I will be

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I have another question. I'm a 27 year old male. I will be graduating with a degree next week. My parents recently got into an argument. My mother and father both have cultural differences. My mother usually depends on my father to take her places. Sometimes I feel like I really don't want to see him at the graduation because of his ways. My mother depends on the father often when he had a troubled past. And abusive ways especially tempered.

I see that the mother is just a guilty as this man. She still lets him in her home and she often controls me. I feel that I need to escape my family by leaving a note. Taking a train to another state, where my cousin is located. And explain to the family later when you get there. What would you recommend I do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
Hello and Thank You for using Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your parents. Would you like them to be at your graduation? Do you have future employment plans after graduation? What is your cousin like that you plan to live with? Who do you live with now? Thank you!!!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello, I spoke with Dr. Mark--the Psychologists. I am a 27 year old man. My mother is an immigrant from Africa. My father is African American. They have very cultural differences on both sides on the family. On my father side of the family, very few of the relatives are educated. My father is not educated. He had a violent past, and tempered. He does not work, and claims that he is disabled. My mother and I consider this laziness, so does his family. He have had arguments with my mother for many years, and this is ongoing. My father just had an argument with my older brother, who is nine years older me.

My mother uses him to take her places. Any where they go, sometimes turns into an argument. When my mother is upset with my father, she tells me "to call him on my cellphone". My father sometimes calls me when he is upset with my mother. I feel that the mother is just as guilty as the father. I say this because, I am now the Adult, I can see everything. I know exactly what's going on. As a child, I could not see the problem. For one thing, my parents are not married. The mother hates the father. But she loves the father's side of his family. I feel that both sides are using me as a shield, especially since I am the youngest child.

About 2 or 3 weeks ago, my mother, father and I went to the store together. We were all ready to pay the cashier for shopping. I wanted to pay for my items separately. We had few customers behind us in the lines at the store. When I offered to pay for my items in the store, my father told me that " he will pay for my items". I offered to pay it myself. He got annoyed because you refused to listen. And a little angry at me--as the son. We came out of the store after my mother both paid for the items purchased at the store. My father comes out of the store without his shopping bags. Then returns to the store to find his shopping bags. He comes out of the store with shopping bags. Then my mother and father argues over the customers at the store, while father controls the car.

My father used harsh words on my mother, because she is foreign from Africa. And he is African American or Black man raised very differently from the mother. I don't know why my mother did not pull herself away from this man after I graduated from grade school at the age 18 or possibly 21. But it has only gotten worse. I don't feel comfortable around my father sometimes. I feel antagonized by both parents, especially the mother.

My mother wants the best for her son--Andrew. A person that does not know what to do. But anytime the both of them end up in arguments, they get upset. She does not approve typical happiness that younger people of my age would do. Although when she was that age she was having those kinds of fun and interesting times. My mother has her own personal problems especially in the family. She has a degree as an immigrant in the United States.

I noticed that anytime I am annoyed or upset with my father, she always tells me " to speak to my grandmother about this" who is my father's mother. Ever since, she met my father, he began troubled. She called my grandmother to explain how she feels. And she would like for me to do the same. But we have been doing this for years, nothing has changed much with this man.

Yes, I will be graduating next week. I'm unsure whether to attend the graduation. Because, my mother usually depends on my father to use her car. She does not know where this place is located. Now, I'm unsure whether to attend rehearsal for graduation? She constantly used him to take her places. She uses him to solve problems in her household, when I'm there. Now, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with her doing that.

My future plans after earning my first degree is to continue on with my education until I earn my Master's Degree. My first degree is in Communications and Writing from a community college. I am interested in working for the U.S Government, since I have already had internships there. I would like to start a family, after earning my second degree in Communications. I have thought about becoming a college professor. That is a pretty good field.

I just want to bring peace to my family. I think the only way is to escape the family, which Dr. Mark the Psychologist agreed. I feel that doing this, will let mom go her way in life leaving this man alone. My father goes his way, but I still keep in touch with my family. If I don't act now, I feel that I will be in the same situation when I'm 34 or 35 years old.

Travel to another state without them knowing. Leave a note in the home for my mother. Take transportation to the state where my cousin is located. Then when I get there call my mother. Tell her that I am fine, but I did this for better educational and job opportunities that are available in the state of Florida. Further explain to my cousin the situation that I am facing. My cousin is my mother's nephew. I'm not sure if he has an educational degree or not. He has about five or six kids living with him include his wife. He may say "no" to me by making this decision. I move in with my cousin because I don't want responsibilities. This will cause more stress on me. I feel that if my cousin lets me stay for sometime, then, I find a job to help support him. And take classes there until I finish my education. I have to do something to leave this family.

Currently, I live with mother and brother in a condominium. The place that I live has problems. It is a place for people who are living in poor income families. We have had problems with the neighbors recently. Ever since we lived here, we had problems with neighbors who live above us. We are on the ground floor in this condo. We have been living here for a long time. When my mother moved in to this place, she was pregnant with me as her youngest son. She already had problems with my father at that time in the 80s. My older brother was the kind of person that likes to tease his much younger brother who is nine years older than me. Now that he is grown, he parties, always having fun. We have our age differences. He does the typical things that people his age is doing. I am not in that situation. My family always prefer me to depend on my brother. And I don't feel comfortable doing this all the time, at my age.

As the son to my father who is not married to my mother, I am looking for work in Government right now. I am a student taking classes at a four year institution. But nothing has changed for me. Something has got to change, and I don't know how. The only thing I can think of is escaping family. What would you recommend I do? I hope this helps some. Thank you.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for the information. You have a good head on your shoulders. You have analyzed your family situation. You have goals and dreams for yourself and you seem determined to accomplish them. Your parents are bring too much drama into your life. you will have difficulties staying on a successful track if you always have to try and fix their problems. You do need to remove yourself from such a toxic environment so that you can fulfill your dreams. If your cousin is willing to accept you into his household and you can contribute financially to the household, then take that route. You are going to be a successful and contributing member to society. Do not let anybody stand in your way!!!
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