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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My 12 year old daughter want to move in with ex-husband and

Customer Question

My 12 year old daughter want to move in with ex-husband and step mom. I am remarried for 8 years, she has 1 sibling (16 brother), 2 steps (16/boy, 14/girl), and 1 half sibling(7/ boy) she has been living with me all her life and our blended family has been together under same roof for 9 years - most recently she has lived with me for 90% of the time (around 4 years) and I have always had full custody, but way back he lived near us and saw kids on a more regular schedule. Her step at Dad's house (older girl- 13) has been going to private school all her life and my daughter has always said she would like to go to a private school, now dad is offering to pay for this if she moves with him , 60 miles away..... mind you he somehow doesn't have enough money to pay any of his required support. I know she misses her dad, but I moved to this little town because he lived here and to give kids a good life. He moved away after he remarried. He spends no time with our son and makes no attempt to contact him on a regular basis, but daughter he caters too. It used to be the other way around too. His new spouse makes really good money and they are able to go to dinners, vacations, cruises, etc. I am not. I am strict, they are not. Ex's new spouse has TONS of family in area, I do not ( I left them to be close to ex for kids and ex-father-in-law - recently deceased- What is the best interest of my daughter? She claims she has no real friends here, but that is not the case. She has a bf and they get in fights, of course they're 12 and they're girls :) and a lot of friends in school. She told ex that she doesn't want to go to middle school here and wants to go to new school (private) by him. Am I wrong in thinking a 12 year old girl maybe shouldn't be making all the decisions or am I clinging on? She does great in school, is involved with sports , and generally a happy kid. She is jealous of little brother and loves him to death at the same time and has the normal interactions with other sibs. I think she might like the attention she gets at dad's and the lienancy. There are times when she is only kid at dad's. There are also times when she is home all alone at dad's too, when they are working. I am a stay at home mom with small business and hubby telecommutes 2 days a week so we are here to chauffuer, feed, run errands, etc everyday. I am so sad :(
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for your interest in seeking advice from Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having in deciding what to do with your daughter. You should have a heart to heart conversation with your daughter and then with your husband about your daughter moving in with your husband. If she did, you would need to request that she not have so much free time. Maybe you can try having your daughter live with your husband for the next school year as sort of a trial run. It is true that your daughter should not be the one making decisions about her future at her age. However, you also must consider what would make her the most happiest. If she lives with her dad, does well in school, has decent friends, still maintains a good relationship with you and her siblings, then you could ask for nothing more. I realize that this is very painful for you. You may want to seek professional counseling as well to help cope with what may soon occur if your daughter moves. You love your daughter and your daughter loves you. Sometimes, change can be beneficial. Just really talk it out with your ex husband. Hope this helps.