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My daughter is 22 & in college. Good student, good kid. We

My daughter is 22 &...
My daughter is 22 & in college. Good student, good kid. We were very close until 2 nd semester of her sr. year. We had some disagreements, not all I handled correctly,but this was a time of big decisions.I felt those were battles worth fighting.

My husband doesn't like confrontation, so he was like"she's 18 we can't tell her what to do". We pay for everything, or she says dad does. She lives a very comfortable lifestyle.

BotXXXXX XXXXXne, for 5 years she has been rude, hateful, basically cut me off. My other daughter caters to her so she will remain her friend. My husband just gets mad at the situation and takes it out on me. Only 2 or 3 times has he even acknowledged she is rude.
He doesn't want her to cut him off.

This is causing tension in our whole family....I try to always be positive if she calls, I don't try to delve into her personal affairs...it's just the few times we're together she is quiet, cold & hateful. The rest of the family doesn't care that she does this to me. She also tells me all the ways I failed as a mother. Honestly I loved being a mom and did my best to be the best mom I could. No one that experienced my raising our girls would believe this has happened...although I wasn't perfect...I tried.

We went to see her yesterday before we leave for Russia in 3 days. It was a disaster. I am miserable...what do I do?






Our daughter went through major depression the first two years of school and now blames me for it. I asked my husband to help get her in counseling but he says he doesn't
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Answered in 1 hour by:
3/19/2011
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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Hello and welcome to Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems with your duaghter. It sounds like your daughter has grown up very privileged and ahe feeels like she is entitled to everything. She may not realize the true sacrifices that have been made for her by you and your husband. Her disrepect is a sign of emotional immaturity. What may need to happen is that you and your husband may need to start withdrawing things from her. She may whine and complain at first but ut is for her own good. Does she work? If not, she needs to find a job so that she can develop a sense of responsinbitlity. She has been accustomed to having everything being done for her. She will appreciate more in life when she has to work hard for the things that she wants. She is an adult and you must release the ties slowly so that she can become more independent. You and your husband are enabling her to be too dependent on you for everything.

 

With regards XXXXX XXXXX disrepsect towards you, just continue to love and care for her. Do not let her manipulate you by reacting in a negative manner when she is disrespectful no matter how hard it may be. It will be hard to change her actions but you can change your reactions to her. You may want to seek professional counseling to acquire some intervention strategies in dealing with your daughter as well as with your husband since it seems like you are not on the same page. Additionally since the entire family seems to be affected, family therapy may be needed. If you need more assistance, just ask. If you need to provide me with more background information , please do so as well. Thank you.

proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
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Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I have a further question regarding my previos about our 22 year
Ear old daughter. We returned from our trip 1/12 weeks ago. My husbands birthday was last Friday. He wanted to go visit her and run some errands that day. He had talked to her about this. The day after we arrived home she just messages me "I'm in" ( we got her her own apt if she promised to let us know she was safe at night). I basicallyNever call her but decided to since I hadn't talked to her since we arrived home. She was very short with me on the phone, just making conversation, I told her I guess we would see her tomorrow. She asked to talk to her dad telling him she didn't want see get together as a family. We didn't go. Yesterday my husband and I were in her town on business. We stopped to gas her car and give her gifts we purchased on our trip. She met us at the station, just got in our car fir a sec tonged her gifts. She sat in the seat behind me so she didn't have to face me. she was kind to my husband who just got in the back seat next to her. She was so rude to me, started to cry , when she got out of the car to leave she screamed"don't look at me!".I told her loved her A little later she called my husband to tell him she had anxiety.. And had bad dreams about me from her past. It's as though she has made up crazy things in her mind that just arn't true . She told my husband she doesnt want to see me. He told her she cant just cut her family off. She said she wanted to see him just not me. He always gets mad at me when these things happen, althoughbhe told her this wasnt right. Now my daughter doesn't even want to see me and my husband is angry and said some terribly hurtful things to me.My daughtervand I did everything together even in her high school
years. now she says I have done all these things that hurt her. When I asked her why she didn't tell me then.. So I could change.. She said she was to young to realize I was doing it, Because of our position in the community, I have no one to confide in...I friend I have from another town would talknto me. But my husband already told me not to.I know this is a lot and don't know us so it makes this difficult. Guess I just need ton talk to someone. Thanks

Hello and thank you for contacting Just Answer again. It is very unfortubate that your daughter is acting in the manner that she does toward you. I have a few questions to help me understand the situation a little further:

 

1. Are you her biological mother?

2. Has she ever had any counseling for depression or anxiety?

3. Have you ever had any counseling?

4. Have you ever done ANYTHING to cause your daughter to be really upset?

5. Have you asked your husband how he feels about the disrepect from your daughter?

6. Is your daughter your only child?

7. Does your daughter spend more time alone with your daughter than you do now?

8. Does she work and is she still in school?

9. What does sge do for fun?

10. Does she have a boyfriend?

11. What are her friends like?

12. Does she ever talk about her future goals and plans?

 

Thank you!!!

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
1. I am her biological mom.
2. She went to counseling once but wouldn't go back
3. I have gone to some counseling on how to deal with this. I haunt been in about 6 months. My husbands not very supportive of it.
4. We had some struggles her senior year of school. I don't think anything out of the ordinary. It's just we had rarely ever had a problem . She was doing some things that concerned me especially since she would soon be going to college. I addressed them maybe too much I really am not sure .She is the ripe of person that will just drop you if there is any problem. She has done this to many friends. She even told me if I weren't her mother she would drop me.
5. He very rarely acknowledges it, he says to ignore it. He says if I make too many waves we may lose her.
6.We have an older daughter
7.our younger daughter gives little time to her sister except when the family is together. Then she gives her most of her time so she can ignore me
8. She doesn't work but is a senior in college
9. She takes yoga classes. She is very OCD and says it helps her relax...she is getting certified in yoga.
10. She has a boyfriend...seems very nice...but we're aren't allowed to see him much (our daughters wished)
He is also in medical school so is very busy
11. She always had tons of friends but dropped all her friends from home. She quite her sorority and prefers to be alone.
12. Yes, in the few moments she talks to us. I know she worries about the future...she did have big goals . Now I think she mainly wants to wait for her boyfriend to graduate and take care of her.
( she was very depressed the first two years of college. She seems to think too much contact with me will lead her back into depression...but I have tried to just be supportive.

As for now, time may be the best healer. Keep your distance for a while and see how she responds. Do not call her. Do not text or email her. Do not even see her for as long as you can take it. She will begin to miss you even though she would never admit it. She will eventually call you. Unfortunately, your husband is not helping the situation improve. It would really do her some good if she sought further counseling to deal with her anxiety, depression, and OCD. Maybe your husband can suggest that to her or her sister. She has always been dependent upon others which is not healthy. Now it sounds as though she is waiting for her boyfriend to start making the big bucks so that she can be dependent on him.

 

After some time passes, maybe you, your husband, and daughter, as well as her sister, can all sit down and have a family meeting about everything. All your daughter has been doing is running away from problems which is affecting everyone in her life. She cannot escape reality forever. She must come to grips with her feelings about you. Neither one of you can live the rest of your lives in this manner.

proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
Verified
proexpert37 and 87 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I have set up the $15 a month pay pal plan
If you have any customer service issues, you can contact customer service. Are you saying that you do or do not want to accept the answer but you cannot pay for it right now?
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I can send a message to customer service as well. Please let me know. Thank you.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I do accept the answer, believe the advise was right on track. ...even though it's hard to do. I am just having a bit of trouble with custtemer service, Thanks for your help!
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proexpert37
proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1,374
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