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Hello my friend. Your daughter obviously can be an angel when she wants to and then falls off the deep end to the other extreme. You need to find out what is bothering your daughter. She is obviously very frustrated and angry about something in her life. It may be problems with friends, school, peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, sex, family members, lack of freedom, etc. When children become defiant and disrespectfu and display out of control behavior, they are seeking attention. Her actions empower her and make her feel like she is in control. It is only natural for parents to fight back when their children are so defiant and disrepectful but the more parents fight back, then the worse the behavior will become. You need to ask your daughter what is bothering her to make her behave the way she does. If she will not talk to you, have her write a letter to you. Ask her to explain what she likes about her life and what she does not enjoy. You will need to guide her toward a solution. If you cannot accomplish this task and her negative behavior is escalating, then she may need to see a counselor to express her feelings. Right now, she has a thick outer skin and you must chip away at it to find out the real causes for her inappropriate behavior.
If your daughter has stated that you are the problem then you must have a heart to heart talk with her about what specifically she dislikes about you. You have a right to know what she is so unhappy about and not in just general terms. Quite possibly, you may need to gain a thick skin just like she has. Do not be manipulated by your daughter. You are the parent here. She has learned what to do to push your buttons andn you must not let her continue to get to you. Do not get so upset when she throws a tantrum. Ignore her. See how she reacts. Do not give her negative behavior attention.
If you cannot work out the problems on your own, then I would suggest that you seek professional assistance from a family therapist who can intervene. You all need intervention and coping strategies that are specific toward your situation.
But as I have said, your daughter must be willing to open up and discuss her feelings more in depth. Otherwise, no one will truly be able to understand her unhappiness completely.