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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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My fiance has a 12 yr old son that is turning 13 in a couple

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My fiance has a 12 yr old son that is turning 13 in a couple of days. I have been in his life for about 3 yrs now. Unfortunately, he does not have the best home situation. He lives with his 30 yr old mother in her mothers house, along with his his mothers sister and her 11 yr old son. His mother has never left her parents house and she has never held down a job for more than a few weeks. She has the mentality of a 21 yr old because she has no future and parties every weekend. She doesnt even provide for her son and leaves me to do the things she should be doing (shopping for school clothes, doing school projects with him). I love doing these things with him but it saddens me that she is this way because I feel she is setting him up for failure in life. The worst and most concerning issue is that she shares a bed with him. Her excuse is that there is not enough space in their room for two beds. Because he is turning 13, I fear that the psychological damage she is doing to him will soon be irreversible. We can deal with all of her issues but the bed sharing thing has got to stop. We have tried asking her to stop but she doesnt see anything wrong with it. When we talk to him about it, he gets embarrased and then mad that we bring it up. We have explained why this is inappropriate and asked him to sleep elsewhere in the house but he continues to sleep with her. We dont know what to do anymore. I have suggested calling Social Services but my fiance doesnt want to emotionally scar his son with an investigation. My next suggestion is to go out and buy two twin beds and just deliver them. What else can we do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
Your fiance's son needs to be protected emotionally. It is not healthy for him to be sharing a bed with his mother at his age. I am sure that there is another place that he can sleep in the house...even the couch. You can always call Social Services without giving your name and ask for advice or suggestions. If you and your fiance do decide to provide the names of the parties involved and an investigation occurs, it will be more beneficial for the son than you realize. Sharing a bed can turn into unmentionable acts especially if the mother is so immature. Who really knows what the mother's intentions may be. Of course it just may be innocent in nature but the son needs to be protected in the long run.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I agree with you 100%. If it were up to me, I would have called social sevrices already but I'm trying to balance my role in all of this. I dont want to call them without the approval of my fiance.


You did bring up some concerns that I havent yet relayed to my fiance, such as what her intentions may be and the long term benefits of intervening. I know there is no easy way to handle this. I think my struggle lays in getting my fiance to take action.

Expert:  proexpert37 replied 6 years ago.
You are walking on a tight rope in this situation because you are not his mom but you also have been a part of his life as he is your fiance's son. The way to handle this situation is to just let your fiance know that you really care about his son as if he were your own child. Ask your fiance up to what age does he feel that co-sleeping is appropriate. Ask him would he have slept in the bed with his own mother on a regular basis at his son's age. Just get your fiance to really start thinking about the situation.
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