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proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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I am engaged to a wonderful man and set to be married in a

Customer Question

I am engaged to a wonderful man and set to be married in a few months. Piper, his 7 yr old, has a birthday party this weekend and his ex thinks it would be too difficult for Piper for me to be there. She then went on to tell my fiance that she still expects that they will have Halloween with just the 3 of them as well as Thanksgiving, Christmas morning, and other “family” holidays and traditions…because it is what Piper wants. And without me…of course. I’m on board with some of it but the thought of not having my fiance and husband with me on holidays etc sounds so extreme. She then tells him how upset Piper will be when he tells her we are engaged (he hasn’t told her yet because his ex wife told him it was too soon, we've been engaged for 4 months and have known each other for 8 months) and she reminds him that Piper always asks “when is Daddy going to marry us again Mommy?” Brad is stuck in the middle and is often defensive of his ex wife and her views on this. I want to do what is right for Piper but also what is right for us as a couple as well. We do get Piper for brief outings but in the 3 years they have been divorced, he has not had her for an overnight visit etc. His wife thinks Piper would not enjoy being away from her and her home (she lives with her mom and grandmother and shares a room with her mom). The ex does not date at all becuase she says she is too focused on Piper's needs. The ex also recently got very angry with him when she found out that an old highschool "girlfriend" of his had visited us and he was giving her a ride to the airport. She told him he was a jerk and couldnt be trusted etc. I had no problem with it. I'm so confused.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 7 years ago.
I will get back to you with an answer in a few hours...early evening.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
thank you.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 7 years ago.
no problem
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 7 years ago.

First of all, I would have a serious talk with your fiance about his relationship with his ex. There is way too much contact with him and Piper and her at the same time. It is a very uncomfortable situation for you. It seems as though Piper is being manipulated by the ex wife. It also seems that the ex wife has the upper hand in all of this and may still have some sort of feelings for your fiance. You really cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. Sometimes to deal with situations and to try and make some sense of all of this for our own sanity, it is necessary to seek professional help like with a psychologist or a church counselor. It is hard to deal with it on your own. Sometimes you need to get all of your feelings out and talk to a neutral person. Also, I was just wondering if there was a court ordered visitation schedule that would alleviate all of the ex wife's demands of when she wants your ex to see Piper. I see no reason why the ex wife wants to make it seem like she, your fiance and Piper are still a family. Seek some professional counseling. It will help you and make you feel better in the long run. If you have health insurance, they can direct you to who you need to see. I feel your pain but I wish you the very best in your life.

proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 7 years ago.
You will be fine. Give things time. Congrats on your engagement!!!! Ask for Erica.13 for any future questions like this.

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Edited by Erica.13 on 9/15/2010 at 11:01 PM EST