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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
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I have raised my 3 year old grandson. He is like my own, but

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I have raised my 3 year old grandson. He is like my own, but is mother is very jeoulous because he picks me over her, He crys when he has to go home. then she makes him stand in a corner until he quits cry and also spanks him for crying. Now she will not let me see him and tells him I don't care about him anymore and he is to never see me. How will this affect him. He crys all the time because he want to see me. I am so up set and concern that this will damage him. he is traumatized. thanks Brenda
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
Hello and thanks for using!

I feel like there is more to this story... Why did she decide not to let him see you? That seems like a drastic shift from raising him and I'm wondering if there's more information I need before I can provide an intelligent answer.

Also, How has she responded to the e-mails you've sent?

I'd be happy to try to help once I get more information. Thanks!
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
<p>She was 16 and my son 17 when she got pregant. Her parents, which happen to ministers, ask me and my husband to allow them to get married because it would reflect badly on her father sense he was a pastor. At the time, we would not agree to sign for them to get married, but did offer to help my son take full responablity in supporting her and the baby. That did not go over well. Any rate her father, the pastor, said she was a problem child and he had nailed her windows shut to keep her from sneaking out at night and lock her in her room. That did not work. So they sent her off to relatives in another state. That did not work. She just got into more trouble. Her father told me he want her out of his household before she crupted her younger sister. So me and my hudband spoke to my son at lenght on marriage and all the ups and downs that came with it and he still want to marry her. So under the circumstances we agree to sign for them to get marry and they moved in with us. I treated her like my own daughter taught her how to cook, do laundry, clean house, etc. She new nothing and to this day my son has to help her clean house and do laundry and some the cookin because she still refuses to do it by herself. later on, she had decided to give the baby to her mom to raise as soon as he was born. She told me her and my son plain this pregancy so I would be more willing to sign for them to marry and she never intended to raise him. Her mother was wanting a baby so she would give him to her to raise. ther As soon as my son found out what she had said he was not in agreement with her he wanted them to raise thier son. Therefore, leaving me with helping her and showing her how to care for the baby and her mom help too. Long story short I spent most of my time with and we bonded just like mother and son. He became very attached to me and me to him. But as he became a toddler he would refuse to go home with them (me and my husband put them in an apartment just across from us rent free and no utlities so they could have there privacy and us too) she became very angry she felt like he love me more than her. I told her I could never take her place and did not want too. her son love her, but she resented the fact that many time he would choose me over her. I told her that he would grow out of that some day because he loved her very much. I really don't know how everything got so out of hand. She is very self center and she uses my grandson, Aiden, to get her way, not only with me but my son and my aunt and my mother. Every time we don't do to suit her she jerks Aiden away from us. She has grown to be very mean and cruel, Thinking only of herself and no one else. There is time I beleive she even resents Aiden for loving us. One day she told Aiden if he didnt quit crying to come to my house he would stay in the corner till he did and she told him he would not be able to come see me any more. This is a 3 year old, how cruel can you get. I bought him a pool to play in she would never let him play in the pool. So everyday he got to see the rest of the family get in the pool but he was not allow too. If i would have know she would have done him that way i would not have even put it up. I even told him that it was his pool, but she said I was trying to buy his love and he would not be swimming in it. After that he was not allowed in my yard or my house. He had a imanXXXXX XXXXXne that he could not cross so everyday when I came in from work he would stop at the imanXXXXX XXXXXne and tell me his moma said he could not come over but would ask for a juice. So i would get him a juice and give him a hug and he would walk away. When he crossed the line she would scream at him and tell him she was going to bust his ass for not minding. It was heart breaking. One day she continue to spank him for crossing the line and I finally could not take it any more so I confronted her and she punched me in the face. I told her she would have to leave or I was going to call the cops. the next day her ,my son, and grandson pack up and moved. Should told my grandson that I run him off and he could not come back to his home or to my house. There is so many chain of event that happen over the past 3 years that would take forever to tell and you would not believe what this girl has put me through, my whole family through. She got mad at me one day and was suppose to pick me up at the air port I waited for 5 hours on her and she never did come get me. One day she went with my 14 year old daughter and let her get her tougue pirece knowing that I would never allow that. the list goes on and on. one christmas she got mad because my daughter got more presents than her so now she doesn't want to have christmas with us any more. I beleive she is mental and she needs help. no normal person would act that way. She is mean to every one not just me. She even gave my daughter pills, pot, and alcohol. She sent my daughter to the neighbors house to buy meth for her. It is terriable what I have gone through and now that they are gone I can only amagine what Aiden is going through. Please help!</p>
Expert:  Jennifer replied 7 years ago.
My goodness... I'm not sure where to start! I'd agree with you that there may be mental health problems going on here along with substance abuse, control issues, and a general immaturity that comes with her age. With that said, I would think the child's safety is your number one concern. If you truly believe he's living with an individual who is mentally unstable and possibly abusing drugs, you need to contact the authorities (child protective services) so they can have that on record and investigate whether your grandson is in a safe environment.

Your daughter in law sound like she doesn't feel a lot of control in her life (I imagine most teen moms don't) and is using any opportunity she can to find that sense of power even when it isn't necessarily logical or in her best interest. How does your son feel about all of this? Is he interested at all in you being a part of Aiden's life? If so, that may be an avenue to begin with to mend the relationship with your grandson and with your daughter in law (if you're at all interested in doing that). As his father, he certainly has the right to bring him to a neutral place (away from both of your homes) for lunch with grandma. I wonder if that's something he would be open to?

If that's not an option, you'll need to try to work with your daughter in law (as difficult as that may be). It may be a matter of writing a letter or simply inviting her to lunch (just the two of you). Again, I'd choose a location that's neutral so that it doesn't feel like it's on anyone's "turf." See if you can let go of everything that's happened and start over for the sake of wanting a relationship with your grandson. I know she's done some terrible things (and I'm sorry for that), so moving forward without holding a grudge will be difficult. Based on what you've told me, I don't think she would be open to talking about what's happened, understanding your perspective, or agreeing with you in any way. Better to frame the entire meeting positively by saying, "I care about your family a great deal. Let's call a truce and see if we can build upon that. I want to be there for your family and I know how difficult it can be to have a toddler." See how she responds to this... My hope is that if you give her the sense that you're surrendering (even if that's not the case) she'll feel enough in control to be open to continuing the conversation.

Begin small -- Ask if she'd be open to allowing some family time (all of you) to do something enjoyable for an afternoon. You could even say, "You're his mother and have every right to say no... I'm at a point where I realize how important family is and I want to make sure I put forth some effort into being a part of your lives." My hope is that she'll reciprocate the respect and desire to allow her husband and son to spend time with you. It's certainly worth a shot! If she's not open to having this discussion in person, you might try a heartfelt letter. It's much better to do this face to face, though, so see if she's willing. I wish you the best of luck!
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