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Dr. G.
Dr. G., Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1523
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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Our 19 year old daughter is having difficulty ending a 2 yr.

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Our 19 year old daughter is having difficulty ending a 2 yr. relationship and we as parents do not know what to do. She comes from a good family with values she knows what she needs to do but can't because she says she loves him. Here is the story: about one year ago her boyfriend went into rehab for drug use at that time she hid it from us knowing our reaction would not be good. went for help 2 more timesafter that. fast forwrd to christmas they had been on a break for a month because they fought alot still seeing each other but not dating. he stole from his mom and she had him arrested he went to jail Christmas eve I brought her to see him in jail for closure and to end itbut she has had a hard time with i the just got out 3 days ago she just went back to college and wanted to see him w e said no dont talk or see him til you get counseling at school.she called him what do we do. she is trying to get counseling. what should we do what should be our limit of support
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 7 years ago.
I would discuss with her pros and cons of the relationship. Discuss with her what she thinks is a healthy relationship and what is unhealthy in relationships. Keep the communication open with her. Be there to listen and offer support and empower her to make the right move. You can't force her but you can commend her for her efforts so far. Commend her for getting counseling. It seems like she needs a little time to make her move with this guy but that she is heading in the right direction. Focus on her feelings through the matter and empathize with the rational part of her reasoning. So for example, whenever she tells you something that is not going good in the relationship then give her credit for seeing this aspect. Discuss what she wants in a guy and her future plans in life and does this guy fit in to her plans. Just suggestions. Good luck.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
should we have consequences for her actions right now? my husband told her not to talk or see him until she got counseling and we would shut her phone off if she did, we pay the bill along with college bills.WE are suppose to sign a guarntor for an apartment at college for next year I'm having a hard time with this decision. I want to help her be successful but I don't want her taking advantage of us. we have discussed all you have suggested already that is why I'm trying to find out as a parent of a child over 18 how do we continue to support someone making bad decicions.we thought she was headed in the right direction but I'm afraid she is not, being she is 19, she says we are trying to control her. If I shut her phone off she won't beable to communicate with us so we didn't shut it off I figure she can still contact him if she wanted so where do we draw the line? I'm angry and disappointed and don't want to base my decision on that.
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 7 years ago.
If you feel you are taken advantage of then you obviously need to pull back the things you do for her. If she is abusing the phone privileges then it is your right to take the phone away. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is you can't do much to make her make good decisions. There is nothing wrong with putting stipulations on the things you give her. If she does not like it then she can get it on her own. Have the consequences for her actions but do it in a loving, not controlling way. Keep communication open with her and remember her boyfriend does not always have to be the center of conversation. Work on keeping a good relationship with her like a best friend at this stage in her life. You can hate him but still love her. She needs to make these decisions on her own. Sorry if you don't want to hear that.
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