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I have no advocate. I know of no place to go to be with ...

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I have no advocate. I know of no place to go to be with people who are against Corporal Punishment of Children(or any type of coercion) and have gone on to see the value in Alfie Kohn''s book, Unconditional Parenting       
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they''re told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved on
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer !

The book, Unconditional Parenting, is one person's idea of how to deal with a child on a one by one basis !

What is your question, pertaining to this book, or is there some other issue you need an answer to about it or parenting ?
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Hello and welcome to Just Answer !

The book, Unconditional Parenting, is one person's idea of how to deal with a child on a one by one basis !

What is your question, pertaining to this book, or is there some other issue you need an answer to about it or parenting ?
Danny: What I am trying to say is that as a child who was severely spanked(My mother's quote in later years : "Dad spanked Evan so hard once I thought he was going to kill him."I was too young to know what it was for-about 2&1/2y and who was a spanker with my own children having not found help yet to break free of my controlling father until they were pretty well grown up,    to   now   knowing that any type of coercion in child-rearing is wrong and am totally in tune with Alfie Kohn's ideas. You would have to browse through his whole book on Unconditional Parenting also his other books The Homework Myth, The Punishment of Rewards, Competition-How we all lose in the race to win, and many other books which you can learn about by accessing his web site by entering his name in search.

It's not just "one persons idea" of parenting. Pam Leo's Connection Parenting, Love not Coercion book is similar and I think the better of the two as a day to day guide to parents,(an interview of Pam Leo can be heard on line by going to

The above two are recent publications. There is Barbara Colorosso, writer and lecturer who wrote Kids Are Worth It, also non coercive parenting- She states that the golden rule applies to parenting- Quote"I will not do to a child what I would not want done to myself."

Also_ How To Talk So Children Will Listen And Listen So Children Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish(grown children of their own as the above)Also wrote How To Talk So Kids Can Learn-At home and in school. Another on Sibling Rivalry- Put out courses for parenting groups to use.

Also XXXXX XXXXX Ph.D. wrote book entitled 'For Your own Good' Hidden cruelty in child-rearing the roots of violence. Never had a book that I high-lighted so much in- also her others.

You Know Danny there is a saying :"You are known by the company you keep." So in that vein, I hope what I have written tells you about me, as I am now. Of course that depends on your sense of values.

BotXXXXX XXXXXne; Children can grow up being autonomous (happy)every step of the way, as opposed to being subservient and co-dependent.
Parenting begins prenatal, natural child birth needed followed by Kangaroo Mother Care(as the humans brain is not fully developed at birth)

Danny my problem is that I was born a century too soon, as paying attention to how we feel,(women and children included)is just beginning to catch on. I was born Feb. 11, 1923. Been looking for such people since Jan.1980. was only 57y then.

I support repeal of S.43, now before the Canadian Parliament.S.43 is an 1892 section of the Can. Criminal Code that legalizes parents hitting their children. For details see .

I am on the mailing list of web site for PTAVE(Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education. There are 21 States in the USA where it is still legal to paddle children in schools, secondary school even. 17y olds, girls included. Jordon Riak of nospank is working very hard to get that stopped - keeps track of what is going on in Canada and the world in that respect. A very informative web site.

Don't know where you are writing from.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Evan Grant, Kingsville, Ontario, Canada. N9Y 1V4
the most Southerly town in Canada- just a few feet above the 42nd parallel of latitude N which divides California and Oregon. I am near Detroit, Michigan

PS- I neglected to say that I needed a friend, an advocate as I did in my original inquiry.
Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.
I believe I know where you are coming from now. I too came from a generation of parents that believed in what they thought was the right way to deal with kids, I was raised in Ohio and my parents came from Kentucky. In the United States for many years it was considered the best way to get kids to listen was to spank, our schools also thought paddling was the right way to get us to listen.

My mom and dad didn't talk about it, they just beat us until we couldn't stand any longer. It wasn't the right way, but the reason for it of course was that many children as well as women were thought of as possessions and not as individuals that had their own thoughts and even had rights. I do feel that the type of abuse that we endured as children was incorrect, there were better ways to do this without abuse.

But I also feel that the state has taken too many rights from the parent to where now we are afraid to punish our children at all. It took me many years until my children were adults until I understood, that spanking isn't always a good option.

I have three older children and then a ten year gap between my younger two children. By the time they came along I knew that there were other ways to get through to them.

Some worked, some didn't ! Which is why I think that with all the different books that are out there some are very good, while others although good were just not a way I felt it should be handled !
Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.
Here is a site in Ontario that has discussions, forums, people who believe just like you do.
They need our help to make it work !

I feel sure they will have groups to discuss on this site, for you to learn more !


corporal punishment, spanking of children. ... Please direct your Emails to the pro- or anti-spanking groups with which you disagree. horizontal rule ...

If you need more discussion on this or just need to talk, I'm here !
danny541 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Danny you wrote: "
But I also feel that the state has taken too many rights from the parent to where now we are afraid to punish our children at all."

Sorry but you don't advocate what I think at all in your above statement. I say children have a right to be protected from harm. We need a law that does that so that parents must learn empathic parenting.

Empathic parenting teaches parenting without any type of punishment of children. The desire to do right,(not to be harmed or harm others) is intrinsic, in the genes. Survival instinct.

All the references I made in my letter to you advocate my thinking.

You did not even consider anything I wrote you.

You have to become the type of person you want your children to be. XXXXX XXXXX Ph.D. has walked her talk in that respect.

Children are now legally protected against assault in twenty four countries in Europe. see www.repeal Started in Sweden in 1979.

I hope that you will take the time to study contents of all web sites I have mentioned and to digest all expressed views.

PS- Appreciated your sharing with me a bit of your biography, and the suffering you endured. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotations: "There is no better way to comfort your own feelings than to share them with someone else." Sir Thomas Wyatt,(1503-1542) Not many if any psychiatrists have learned that yet. I was lucky in finding a psychotherapist in the fall of 1979 who could listen to tears. 24 sessions. I experienced the truth of the statement, "Tears are the catharsis of the soul." Got out hurt feelings that had been kept in since I was about 2&1/2y old.I was 56 then.
Customer: replied 9 years ago.

Thanks for the suggestion. Will check it out.

Our last postings crossed.

Would appreciate your reply to my posting above