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danny541, Parenting Answer Team
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Experience:  Have 5 children !
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13 year old Nephew headed for trouble

Customer Question

I have a 13 year old nephew who has adhd and depression.Sees a psychologist and psychiatrist.Is on meds then off meds.Has a mother who tries to comply with md''s recommendation then has a father who doesn''t(doesn''t give child meds prescribed by md on weekends he has visitation rights with child).Also, a grandmother who thinks her way is always the right way.
Child is at the point that his Mom has to decide whether to put child in PINS program(where a judge partakes in making child and family do what she recommends.)
Child is an intellegent child,but is headed for trouble as he is getting older and peer pressure is making it very difficult for my Nephew to control his behavior(as are other things).
Looking for help for my Nephew,who has great intellectual potential,but d/t other immediate family''s beliefs and expectations,don''t believe there are very high risks with my Nephew''s decision making process as he gets older.
Please.Please.We need your help.............
Submitted: 9 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.

Your right on the mark. Your nephew needs help and the other family member's need to back off and make sure he gets the needed meds. I know from experience.

My son is now 19 he did not want to take his med. had to fight him, watch him take the med. could never just let him take on his own because he wouldn't. Get into the PINS program its an excellent choice. He needs to keep it up with the psychologist and psychiatrist because they will help him with the depression to understand why it effects him like it does.

The ADHA and depression goes hand in hand in many cases it did for my son, but help came to late with him, now he is dealing with deeper issues.

Another thing, get the doctor's to explain to all family member's why it must be done the way they recommend , its possible that they don't understand why or exactly what the condition is that he is dealing with.

If they are just being non-understanding, then mom and you will have to supersede what ever they think and just follow the doctor's rules and let the dad and anyone who has to do with giving him his meds.that it must be followed. In dad's case since he has weekend's you will probably need to have this enforced by the court's.

I can not express enough to get involved and keep it into place.

Would you like me to find you some studies on ADHD to help them understand more completely what he is dealing with ?

Or if you just have more questions on this or any help at all. I'm here for you !

danny541 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 years ago.
Reply to danny541's Post: Yes.We would be interested in your studies on New York State is their a "summer camp",like the PINS program that would give my Nephew a "taste" of what the pins program is about?Or anyother New York State Program that would help him see the road he is headed down if he doesn't start to "shape up"?
As I said before,not all family members are compliant and/or don't see my Nephew as having any "issues".
My sister has made several attempts to let the judge know about my Nephew's father noncompliantcy with making sure he gets his meds and is appropriately disapplined if needed .Judge doesn't see this as a problem(according to my sister).How do you get a judge to act in the best interest of the child when the father presents a case that makes her believe there is no problem?
My sister's ex-husband even tried to run her over with a car in front of my nephew.He swears and calls my sister all kinds of names when he is in the court established visitation that has been set up by the judge with my nephew.
My nephew is allowed to sleep until 6pm-7pm(? symptom of depression resulting from not taking his prescribed med),after falling sleep the night before (when on weekend visitation with his father)and his father doesn't see this as an issue.
When my Nephew returns to his mother's, after a weekend court appointed visitation with his father ,my Nephew is disrespectful towards my sister and her significant other,refuses to do things ask of him (like pick up his room,do the dishes,or do his homework).His answer is "no,I'm not doing it,and you can't make me.Needless to say this has put a tremendous amount of pressure on my sister and her significanr other.
My sister has gotten another phone call from the school principal about my Nephew's disruptive behavior in the classroom.
My sister says she was unaware of any problems this year with my Nephew's behavior.However the principal states he mailed out these concerns to my sister in the mail.She stated she never received them.
Come to find out,my Nephew has "beat her to the mailbox" before she gets home from work and as intercepted the notes from the pricipal regarding my Nephew and his disruptiveness and unacceptable behavior.
My sister has gotten to the point that her own health is starting to be effective from my Nephew's behavior and she is litterly "at the end of her rope".
Although she is doing the best she can for getting help for her son,it doesn't
seem to be working.
The judge doesn't seem to understand what kind of damage is being done when my Nephew has his scheduled weekend visitation with his father and my Nephew's medications aren't given as ordered by MD and my Nephew's inappropriate behavior is allowed to occur under his father's supervision.
Where do we go from here?
I am a Registered nurse for the past 30 years and I know this is a situation that is only going to get worse and possibly get somebody hurt.Where do we go from here?Does Dr. Phil have any advice?We need help now.
Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.

There are a few other things she can try. As far as getting through to the judge, she will have to take documentation to the judge, letters from the principle. The psychologist and any other doctors that has seen the boy.

As a nurse I know you understand if the meds. are not taken, they can't help him. Depression, is I can not stress enough, in a boy his age, can commit suicide, and get in trouble with the law, drop out of school, and end up with drug/ and or drinking issues.

His father " must " be forced to comply to the rules, or he will lose his son, and visitation rights. I am not a lawyer, so I can't advise you on what the court may do. But I do know through my own experience with my own son. I had him charged for unruliness, they brought the school into it because when he was there he wouldn't even try, when he wasn't then it became a school truancy issue.

To make a long story short, in my sons case they put him in a place where he was forced to take his meds. and counseled on a daily basis, if he did not follow the rules then he lost privileges.

I don't know if the is the best route for your sister. But I do know if she wants her son to grow into a happy, healthy adult she needs to make a decision now. I will look and see what programs in New York are available to her.

But it will get worse if she doesn't address it now, rather than waiting and thinking the older he gets it will change. It won't , I have talked to count less other parents, if you can address it while the child is still young enough to be changed, he has a chance ! If you wait, it will only get more abusive for your sister, or he will sink into depression so deeply , he may never come out of it. And the other people down the road will pay for it, or your sister in the end will.

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Expert:  danny541 replied 9 years ago.

Okay , these are sites some I know about through my own study and have helped me understand , some are new, and I will be taking a closer look at for future reference.

This is about the PINS Program and who is involved that should be able to tell you what you can do before it gets to P.I.N.S. and what other things may be open for you to try.

These next two are about Summer Camps that deal with ADHD kids. They have counselors, and since its geared to other boys his age, should put him in line to do what the others are doing, because it would be a good idea to follow others that have dealt with it also.

Also I can not understand a judge that would not be listening to a mom if she speaks up and says, Judge, my son is in counseling and is having problems at school, they say he is having depression, and his dad won't follow the rules the doctor has set down that he needs to comply with.

She needs to petition the court and let them know what is going on and bring every bit of documentation with her. She may even need to get a lawyer and make sure that they listen to her. I didn't have a lawyer, myself, because faced with all the facts the judge realized I was making sense and really listened to what I had to say.

If she feels she can adequately defend what she needs to have done and why, she should be fine. Maybe you could go to support her in seeing that she is being listened to and not being put down by her ex. or her son.

As far as Dr. Phil is concerned, he isn't part of our group. But if your psychologist is a doctor who deals with ADHD kids and be sure to check to see if he has a good track record with other kids he works with, then he should be fine.

And it never hurts to get a second opinion or third if you don't feel comfortable with the first two. As a nurse you should be able to pull a string or two and get a really reputable doctor in that area.

I was also reminded by another expert who has excellent credetials in this area . That most doctors reccommend that you let the childs body have a rest on weekends. So its not going to hurt him, in any dangerous way, if he doesn't take the meds. on weekends.

The important thing is that her ex. supports her about them through the week. Whatever is in the best interest of the child.



I wish you much luck in this and I really hope you can get the help he needs before its too late !


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