Jennifer, thank you again for your help the other time. I’m…

Welcome to JustAnswer. My name is***** and I am an experienced psychologist here to assist.

I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling with anxiety, depression and panic attacks due to your mother's abuse. I am sure this has not been easy for you and has taken a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

I suppose a good starting point is asking why people even abuse? Some abusers learned to abuse from their parents. Their early history consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others abused (one parent abusing the other or their sibling, etc.). As a consequence, abuse is the normal condition of life for these people. Such people internalized a particular relationship dynamic, namely the complementary roles of "abuser" and "victim". They are familiar with and fully understand the terror of being the helpless victim from their own childhood experience. The opposite of being a victim is not simply opting out of abuse; it is instead, to be abusive. Given the choice between being the out-of-control victim or the in-control abuser, some of these people grow up to prefer the role of the abuser. As they become adults, they simply turn this relationship dynamic around and start acting out the "abuser" side of the relationship dynamic they have learned. In this case, abuse is about CONTROL

Abusive behaviour can also result from mental health issues or disorders. Still, other people who abuse end up abusing because they have an empathy deficit, either because of some sort of brain damage or because they were so abused themselves as children that their innate empathic abilities never developed properly. Such abusers cannot or will not relate to other people as people, choosing instead to treat them as objects. They treat people as though they were there solely for their convenience and do not otherwise have an independent, important life. Abusers who treat people in this manner are very likely psychologically ill, and possibly medically ill as well. They may have an antisocial (sociopathic, psychopathic) or narcissistic personality disorder, and they may have anger or impulse control issues and substance abuse issues on top of that! Such people may abuse because of the benefits they receive from doing so, for instance, sexual or financial gratification, or the simple allure of power over other people's lives.

So you can see from this that people who are abusive need significant help to work through it. You cant change him and his behaviour. It is hard for me to give you this answer- because I don’t know your mother and her situation- what is triggering her now? How you are responding and what happens after? What is the need behind the abuse – but perhaps asking yourself these questions can help. Also if the reason for the abuse is mental illness – there is no rationale and the person can react differently from day to day.

So what can you do? Like I said I can be sure what will work with her because I don’t know the ins and out of her case… so not sure what will trigger her. But here are some ideas of ways to respond

- You can try to respond to her empathically and see how this works- meaning when she says something mean and angry you can say “I can see you are feeling angry, I am sure that is not easy…” or “I can see this is bothering you…” I am wondering if this may make her more aware of what she is doing or make her feel heard.

- If he is displaying a need for control, you can give her that control. You can do this by agreeing with her or saying things that make her feel powerful.

- You can try responding with positivity- say nice things to her. People who were abused may be thrown off by this as they are not used to this treatment – being positive may be foreign to them

- There is a chance that you are fighting back and showing strength and dominance may cause her to back off as well- showing that you are in control. Perhaps diminishing her. However, for many, this may make them want to control the situation even more.

- It’s possible that setting boundaries, remaining calm and being clear and concise with your needs may be the best option –fighting with an illogical person never works, they also don’t respond to direct requests, and sometimes you need to be manipulative – make it seem like it is their idea or it will be of benefit to them. Don’t expect her to see your point of view (she can't).

- Don’t try to reason with her. abuse isn’t rational. You are not going to be able to get to the root of it on your own, and she will probably not want to discuss the reasons for it anyway. Realize that it is irrational and don’t even try to reason out why it is occurring. Don't attempt couples counselling — it's not a good idea for an abusive relationship.

Make different choices about how to respond. You can't change her behaviour, but you can prevent your own feelings from plunging you into depression. If this happens often, you probably go right from hearing the abuse to feeling bad. Think about the step in between — your belief about what happened and why. Chances are, the reasons for what happened are not specifically about you, but about the frustration and rage of your mother. Make it about her rather than about your perceived failings. There is a chance that if she sees her words don’t affect you at all that she moves away and leave you alone – however for some abusive people this may also be a trigger and she will want to do it more.

I know this is a difficult situation. I wish I could give you the perfect answer to make this better. But I think this is going to be a process and you will need to take it one step at a time- until you can get yourself to a better place or your own place. Please seek out help and support if possible- even if it's an online support group.

There is release and relief in living in the moment.

* Use the power of your mind to start shifting your reality. Start by forgiving yourself and accepting the past… commit to letting go of feelings of guilt and anger about what happened and silence your inner negative voice by soothing yourself into positivity. Just keep repeating positive, soothing words to yourself like “I am going to be ok”, “Things are improving”, “I have power and I can make my life better”, and “I am in control of my thoughts and I choose to think more good thoughts”, “I am a worthy deserving being”, “I deserve good in my life” etc etc.

* Cultivate a positive mindset… start by writing down 3 things you are grateful for every day. Start off your day with thanks (be thankful for your bed, your home, your family, your health, and your family’s health). Don’t listen to depressing news, don’t complain, and don’t chat with people who make you feel bad… you will see your life turn around. Realize that every topic is really two topics- that which is wanted and that which is not. We often think we are focused on the good when we say “I don’t want to be sick” but the mind still picks up the word sick. Rather say “I want to be healthy”, “I want to see myself in perfect health and happiness”. You will see your life change right before your eyes.

Books: There are brilliant teachers of well-being out there and the information is so easily accessible. Try reading the following books with an open mind- they have the potential to be life-changing:

-Change your thoughts, change your life by Wayne Dyer https://amzn.to/3rc0Vyd

-The Law of attraction by Esther Hicks https://amzn.to/2O1kRG5

-The Secret by Rhonda Byrne https://amzn.to/3anRSUc

-Into the Magic Shop by James Dotty https://amzn.to/36B4DK9

* Use CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) Techniques to catch yourself when thinking anxiety-provoking thoughts. This one is called "to be a thought detective".

Remember, worry is the brain's way of protecting us from danger. To make sure we're really paying attention, the mind often exaggerates the object of the worry (e.g., mistaking a stick for a snake). Try a method we call the 3Cs:

-Catch your thoughts: Imagine every thought you have floats above your head in a bubble (like what you see in comic strips). Now, catch one of the worried thoughts like "I'm scared I am getting sick."

-Collect evidence: Next, collect evidence to support or negate this thought. Do not make judgments about what to worry about based only on feelings. Feelings are not facts. (Supporting evidence: "I am not feeling so well." Negating evidence: "this happened last week and I was fine.")

-Challenge your thoughts: Have a debate with yourself and convince yourself you are doing great.

I need for you to see these negative thoughts regarding your mother and her abuse like a car sitting at the top of a hill with the handbrake released and beginning to roll down. If you can catch the car as soon as it begins to move it should be easy to stop but if you wait for the car to gain momentum and try to stop the car at the bottom of the hill it will simply run you over. The same is true for these kinds of thoughts which we have habitually allowed ourselves to entertain over a long period. Our brains create habit-forming neural pathways and when we think of a common thought we often follow down this same path receiving similar results in feeling emotionally run over after allowing these thoughts to spiral out of control sometimes ending in a full-blown panic attack.

Learning to control one's thoughts by focusing on how a thought is making us feel is the starting place, when we notice that a thought is making us feel bad, guilty, ashamed, upset, angry, disappointed, violent or anything negative there is an urgent need for a distraction. Now a distraction can be simply thinking a good thought or getting outside or finding a new hobby or anything that has a person thinking more optimistically will create new neural pathways and we won’t see ourselves falling down the rabbit hole entertaining these thoughts more and more resulting in depression, anxiety, a lack of motivation and even panic attacks.

You can also try following along with a CBT workbook such as https://amzn.to/3j5J3T2

Let me know if this answers your question or if you would like for me to clarify anything further.