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MaryAnn, thank you very much for your previous help. I'm…

MaryAnn, thank you very much...
MaryAnn, thank you very much for your previous help. I'm very grateful. I have found it very difficult to let myself even contemplate getting close to others after my tumultuous marriage. Any advice, please?
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3/27/2018
Camille-Mod
Category: Mental Health
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Hello,
I'm Camille, and I'm a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Expert a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online.
If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5,954
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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You are very welcome!

It is very common to feel as you do after the break up of a marriage. It can be very difficult to get close to others after you have been hurt in a relationship. It doesn't matter if it's a friendship or marriage, breaking up with someone you were once close to can hurt you deeply. And it's not easy to just forget that pain. Just thinking of a new relationship can bring up fear over it happening again. However, it is sometimes just as hard to consider being alone the rest of your life just to protect yourself from being hurt again. As you know, people are made to have companionship at some level. So that draw to be with others is strong.

There are steps you can take to help yourself feel ready to start a new relationship. One, take time to look at what went wrong in your marriage. This is best done with the help of a trusted friend or a good therapist. A good look at what signs were there that caused the problems and how you can be aware of them in a new relationship will help you feel safer and more confident about a new relationship. Two, give yourself time to mourn over the loss of your marriage. As with any relationship, no matter how bad, there is a loss of dreams, hopes and companionship. You need time to work through that pain and to accept it for what it is. Three, take it slowly. Although it can feel lonely and difficult when you are dealing with the end of your marriage, rushing into another relationship can cause you to make mistakes and miss signs that it is not the right time or person to be with. Give yourself enough time where you can see your marriage as in the past and you don't experience deep sadness or anger when you think about it. Four, slowly work your way back into meeting others. Start by not expecting to find another partner right away but instead seek out friendships first. By not expecting a romantic relationship right away, you take pressure off yourself and whomever you are with. It allows relationships to develop rather than start off with high expectations for more. Five, know that trusting again will take time, but the past is not the same as the future. In other words, you have been through a very difficult time and have grown from it. And every relationship is different. Your new partner will not be the same as your ex wife. Trust yourself to know what to look for in a new relationship. Also, remember that sometimes, no matter our best efforts, people can do things that we don't expect. That vulnerability is in all relationships. Accepting that no one can control everything helps.

Here are some resources to help:

Something Gained: 7 Shifts to Be Stronger, Smarter & Happier After Divorce

by Deb Purdy

Single, Married, Separated and Life after Divorce

by Myles Munroe

Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

by Steven Stosny PhD

I hope this has helped,

MaryAnn

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Hello,

I have not heard back from you. Please let me know if you have any further questions or want clarification. If you are satisfied with your answer, please consider providing a positive rating. It is the only way I am reimbursed for my work. Thank you so much! MaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
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Satisfied Customers: 5,954
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Customer reply replied 22 days ago
Thank you for your extremely helpful and on target insight.

You're welcome! Anytime.

Take care,

MaryAnn

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