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Please. I can wait till tomorrow if she's not here today.

For Leahmswuofm please. I can...
For Leahmswuofm please. I can wait till tomorrow if she's not here today. Then I might ask for someone else if she's not available. Why would it be that when someone who has been really horrid to you, passive aggressive and abusive, perhaps even harming your pets, when/if that person suddenly "acts" really amenable and like they are really reasonable - offering to do you a favor or having this "tone" of a really easy going laid back person - even acting a bit like you are hard on THEM but they are a such a nice guy - and from the outside to EVERYONE else it looks that way too - why is that SO horrifiic inside my mind and my gut? I understand they are being fake, I'm not fooled at ALL ( I used to be over and over) & I know other people either just have no clue or are enablers/abusers themselves - but why is that almost or actually worse than when they are showing their true colors to you? Like it makes me want to vomit. The other stuff is awful - the more over stuff, and the passive/aggresive stuff (where they are sulking and then having fits but saying they are not being abusive - that all sucks big time - but this fake kindness, Leah, why does that make me feel like my soul is dying? I have to REALLY take a break when this happens and get ;my head straight. And really know they are super abusive and they've comitted evil acts to me, to animals and I have to submerge myself in things that I really value, like programs I am watching, something I am learning, forums where the people seem normal, art, - basically anything that feels REAL. Then I can breath and I am okay. But Leah - why is the pretense being super easy going and offering to help in a really relaxed low key easy going voice going to make me vomit? Can you tell me from a psychological background why that makes me SO disturbed and unbalanced? Because in my surroundings- it appears nothing is happening right then. It's quiet. There's no one telling me crap things about myself or anything else happening. Sometimes I literally go curl up in a ball on the floor in a safe warm place for several minutes until the sick feeling passes. It's also like they are saying ALL the shit (sorry) they have done didn't really happen. He didn't harm my pets and other animals, he didn't lie to me, he didn't do a thousand destructive things. He's just a nice guy. So I must be crazy then right? Maybe I dreamed it all? But my pets are gone. My emotional wounds are real. My darling aunt that I should have visited that i didn't know was dying that he didn't tell me about until she was gone, I"ll NEVER get that back. NEVER be able to go to her or comfort her. Like those things don't exist. But f&^$ they do. They efffing do exist.
It's like I understand so much that they are fake. But some of the stuff they do makes me want to pass out from - something. Do you have any insights about this? I know you may not be here now, so don't worry, I'll just check back to see if you've answered. Thank you Leah.
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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Leah, sorry I wanted to add something. I just realized that when he is doing that (this particular person, but there are others who have been similar) it STILL feels like a put down somehow. Like they are just humoring you because you are crazy or sick or something - that they are being kind to a crazy person - but they've "resigned" themselves to do so because "you should". I was told before by a different abusive person "I always do the right thing" and that person had also completely messed with me to the point that I considered suicide. But that person too would occasionally act like this. And it honestly did make me feel like I was losing all sanity. It was *almost* better when they were shouting at me and calling me crazy. So somehow it seems that they are very conscious of what they are doing including when they act this "good citizen" sort of way and maybe they KNOW it will/can/might make you feel horrible. Sometimes it SEEMS like they had a really nice day that day so they are being the "good samaritan" that day - but they are going to play it down because that's how great a person they are. But no, there's something still insidious about it. I just can't get to the heart of it for some reason.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Condescending. There might be something in the mix that is to do with that. That I'm graced to have their attention. That they hang with the cool, fun, people but they will grace pitiful me because they're that kind of guy.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Also why is it that later on I'm totally fine again. Totally know what's going on. Totally don't care. Totally know what's real and really important, i.e. not them.
Answered in 3 hours by:
3/18/2018
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,160
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified

Hi! Thank you for reaching out to me. The reason it is so difficult is because you smart and wise to these people's manipulative natures. It really is sickening to see a person have the ability to act so deceptively and in ways that create the exact kind of confusion in you they are seeking. This is about their issues and you seem to be a person who feels deeply and observes keenly. You know that these people are out for themselves so when they flash that good side, you know in your heart their intention is not meant to be in your favor, but instead serves some backhanded purpose to serve their own needs. And then, you get trapped in this cycle of "cognitive dissonance" where you don't want to keep caring or having a reaction but you do. Maybe deep down want them to be true, caring and kind, yet are still struck by the overarching themes that their behavior is not genuine and their kindness is just an act. This leaves you feeling internally confused and conflicted and you begin to doubt, even if only for a second, whether you are the one who is misjudging or misguided. This is all part of their ploy. I believe this cognitive dissonance is the unbalance you feel - the hope and want for the positive yet the cold and unrelenting knowledge that these people genuinely suck. And perhaps that creates another level of this battle - you want and need and deserve people in your life so you are willing to open your heart and mind momentarily if given the opportunity, but yet you know this means you will only be hurt and let down again. So you battle this hope and then feel guilt once the chilly reality of their contradiction reveals itself yet again.

I am so sad for you that these people seem to be an inevitable part of your life. I can't say for sure but their emotional abuse reeks of something like narcissistic personality disorder where they can charm the pants off most anyone, but are actually only self-motivated and unempathetic. So perhaps their motivations are to be condescending and cruel. Maybe you let the ongoing emotional abuse and terrible behaviors hurt and they actually like this - how could you not? But don't give them too much credit either. Simply, they may just have something to gain when flashing you the consideration side of themselves and playing the "it's all in your head" game. But regardless, you know better and this is why you it hurts like hell and disgusts you yet you can ultimately pull yourself together. And this cycle is painful, even if you feel you are not being fooled. They are still evoking this push and pull in you and only you can keep fighting to avoid any emotional investment in any of the treatment they dish out.

I'll say one more thought I had when I read this...I wonder if deep down you are not feeling like you deserve good treatment. Aside from the fact that you don't (and shouldn't) trust these people when they offer it, is there a piece of you that is revolted when someone is nice to you? You have had a tough go - do you have someone who shows you true and unconditional love that you are able to take at face value? I hope so. You really deserve unwavering and sincere support - not this roller coaster treatment you are shown from this guy.

Feel free to reply whenever it feels right to you. I definitely look forward to hearing your thoughts on my reply (if you want to converse). I am going to bed now but will be on and offline tomorrow. :)

-Leah

LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,160
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified
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Thank you for the rating and another very generous tip. I look forward to hearing back from you if/when you feel up to it.

Take care!

-Leah

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