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I was in a relationship for 7 years with a guy, and we

I was in a...

I was in a relationship for 7 years with a guy, and we recently broke it off. However, we get together once or twice a week with the understanding that we're dating other people. He says he still loves me and has never found a connection like he's had with me but still needs his ego stroked by other women. After dealing with this for almost a year, I finally told him that after he gets this ego-thing out of his system to contact me. He's equally afraid that I'm going to meet someone else and that he and I won't be able to get together anymore. I know this is a crazy situation but it's a classic "can't live with him/her, can't live without him/her" situation. We're in our 50's and my children are grown while his are still young. Any advice?

Doctor's Assistant: How is your mood? Are you experiencing regular sleep disturbances (e.g. trouble falling asleep, waking up early)?

My mood is stable, sleeping good.

Doctor's Assistant: Anything else in your medical history you think the Psychologist should know?

I'm on antidepressants

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
He’s a problem drinker and very selfish whereas I am a giving person. He takes, I give. He talks, I listen.
Answered in 16 minutes by:
3/5/2018
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,160
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified

Hi, thanks for writing. My name is***** understand how complicated relationships can be - this one sounds like no exception. At this point in time, do you feel like you GAIN anything from being with him? I hear you say he is the taker and you are the giver, so why do you think this situation is still going on? Do you think that you benefit still from seeing him so often after trying to break up, or do you feel like that situation is an impediment to you moving on? How much does his drinking affect your willingness to stay committed to him and has he ever shown willingness or want to change?

I am here to talk this through - those questions are just to collect more info.

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
The thing I gain from being with him is companionship and the history we shared (prior to being with him I was married for 27 years to a great guy but we drifted apart). I miss the adoration he once gave me and the good experiences we shared although there was also abuse on occasion. I think I was excited by the lack of boredom and unpredictability of our relationship but as I grow, realize I no longer want that uncertainty. When he drinks there is a noticeable change in his behavior and he becomes more self-centered and impatient. At this point, our lives are on divergent paths. My kids are grown whereas his are still young and he spends his weekends with them and also dates, while asking if I want to see him once or twice a week. With the exception of having a date myself, I've agreed to see him but I'm tired of feeling heartbroken because he needs his ego stroked by other women. Likewise, I'm actively seeking other men who are less selfish, are more in line with where I am, and wanting a committed relationship. I am an intelligent woman who can't see beyond her own pain, so I need some objectivity. Thank you!

Thank you so much for those details. I appreciat tht you are asking fo objectivity as well, because I know that when it comes to matters of the heart., things can get very blurry.

In just reading how you answered my questions, If you go back and reread your eloquent reply, you should see that you made actually made it pretty clear that you know what the path is that you want to travel and you are confident he is not the person to travel it with. While you once liked a little adventure, you now seek calmer waters and certainly are deserving of the commitment from a man who isn't going to prioritize himself and his needs above you on a consistent basis. It sounds like you also know that while agreeing to see him comes with some spark of optimism and interest, it does ultimately make you feel bad and regret your choices. So that momentary happiness is ultimately outweighed, yet again, by something negative.

Here is my objectivity- I really think you need to stop seeing this man. Moving past a relationship that is still in plain site is virtually impossible. Plus, this person knows you and is cunning - he has ability to manipulate you so you have to cease allowing him this power. In other words, set your boundary and stick to it. In doing so, you will not only find yourself more confident about pursuing what you truly deserve, but also allow windows for other people to be ufully open as opposed to just half open like they are as long as this person stays on your radar. It may not be easy but to me you sound like you are ready to say goodbye once and for all, and now just need to pull the trigger and make that happen. The loss will still hurt as they always do, but the lingering sting of hope lost will no longer weigh heavily on you. And like I said, it will allow your mind to finally be open to new, exciting and promising others, which really could lead you to someone who gives you all you need, want and deserve.

So yes, your pain is real and blinding. Your cling to this person shows you truly care. But at the end of the day, he isn't the person meant to walk beside you and as you continue to follow his lead taking his hand whenever it is offered, he will continue to pull you off course. And who knows what beauty is waiting just up ahead!! Don't let him continue to drag you away from something better. You are strong and intelligent and just need to bite the bullet and break the cycle and take back your power. I promise you, the hurt is real but temporary.

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I agree with your advice but I guess needed to hear an objective viewpoint. Thank you.

You are welcome but I know it can be tough to hear and digest. I am here to chat more if you'd like...

LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1,160
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified
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