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Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little…

Is my gf avoidant attachment...
Is my gf avoidant attachment type or secure... or a little of each? Im an insecure anxious attachment type for sure.... i always need reassurance and stuff from my gf... my gf in the beginning was alright, she would tell me good morning and good night and in the middle of the day sometimes send me a picture of what she is eating or something, but never ever share feelings like “miss u” or anything... just like “im eating”... then couple weeks down dating i realize she never shares her feelings or days with me unless i keep on asking her questions... she is very good listener though. Then one day she didnt want to give me her instagram so she lied and said she didnt have it (meanwhile its a public profile)... then later when confronted she said she needs some time and personal space... after that argument we kind of took a break from each other... then i realize when we absolutely dont contact... every 2 days or so she will say she missed me (actually sharing some emotions)... then when we make up she now doesnt message me all day except before she is going to bed... and no more “miss u” or any feeling sharing again.... so this is what im annoyed about since im insecure anxious... but to be fair she does respond everytime i message her and when i have problems she will try and resolve it... its just that she goes back to the no message unless i message first... and dont share emotions unless i ask her.... and then if we do get in argument and dont speak for a while, she will message me she misses me and be more open...
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Answered in 19 minutes by:
1/18/2018
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6,013
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

While it is difficult to know exactly why your girlfriend acts as she does without being able to talk to her directly, there are some possible reasons why she is like you describe.

One, it is possible she suffered abuse of some type in childhood. People react differently to an abusive childhood depending on the type of abuse, length of time it occurred and many other factors. People who avoid emotions in relationships as adults sometimes learn that behavior in childhood as a defense to whatever they went through. They may be good listeners and be helpful when you need something, but they don't know how to express their own feelings in a healthy way.

Two, it is possible that your girlfriend may have an issue with Asperger's or another similar disorder. People who have Asperger's are difficult to connect to emotionally and tend to be very reserved in showing emotion. The only way to know for sure if this is an issue with your girlfriend is if she is evaluated by a mental health professional or someone who specializes in Asperger's. But you can read the symptoms and see if they fit:

https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/asperger-syndrome

Three, it is possible that your girlfriend has some symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder. One way to tell if she might have the symptoms is to learn more about the disorder:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/avoidant-personality-disorder

-and see if these symptoms apply to all aspects of her life- not just with you. Someone who has a mental health disorder will show symptoms with everyone they deal with, not just certain people.

Four, it may also be that she feels overwhelmed by your needs and doesn't know how to tell you. While lying about an account on social media is not a good way to handle her feelings about your relationship, it may be that she is unsure or unwilling to talk to you about how she feels in case she hurts you. You may want to try talking to her about the possibility and seeing how she reacts.

If you feel serious about your relationship with your girlfriend and see a future for you both to be together, you may also want to try asking her to go to therapy with you. Seeing a therapist can help you sort out why she acts as she does and what can be done to help your relationship progress. A therapist can work with you both and eliminate any possible issues so you know exactly what is going on and how to work on it together.

I hope this has helped you,
MaryAnn

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thanks MaryAnn
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
U know what she told me before that i just thought of... she said even her parents told her its ok to express her love to them but she says she will not and rather write it down in a personal diary and never want them to see her true feelings for them...

You're welcome! I'm happy to help.

It sounds like either that she has been hurt by someone in her past (doesn't have to be her parents; many people are abused by relatives and/or friends of the family, or other trusted adults) or that your girlfriend has something going on that she is not sharing with others. It may be that she suffers from Avoidant Personality or Asperger's. An evaluation by a mental health professional is the best way to find out. But you can use the links we talked about to learn more and see if your girlfriend fits any of the criteria.

MaryAnn

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
she is not like this to everyone in her life i dont think... she said she has a private “besties” group where she posts her true feelings... also she says she talks to her friends about me when we have problems (even though she never shares with me what they talk about).... she likes to keep her work and personal life seperate but i heard the way she talks to her boss and collegues, very communicative and sometimes i feel i dont know this person... like someone else... she also really likes to offer to help me with my career aspect too... this is the only part she takes initiative actually

If you notice her interacting with others differently than she interacts with you, or her parents, that seems to be more of a choice on her part. That is possibly an abuse issue from the past or something she is not telling you about your relationship. Sometimes people struggle in their love relationships much more than in their every day relationships. But even if that is the case, you may want to determine if her behavior towards you is okay with you. Do you want to continue a relationship if the person you are with treats you differently than they treat others and hides part of their life from you? In the end, that is not a good way to have a strong and trusting relationship.

MaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6,013
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Verified
TherapistMaryAnn and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank u for ur answer... this does bother me
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
a previous expert said this to me making me feel like its my problem... and told me to not message and see if she messages me... and give it up to 3 days... i didnt see how that was healthy at all
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Look what the previous expert said:
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
It sounds to me she is a little of both. More than anything, you are a bit insecure. She cares about you, but if you don’t pace your affections she is going to grow weary.By pacing yourself I mean let her take the lead a little. She possibly doesn’t express her feelings because you don’t give her a chance. You are a bit quick on the draw.While things are going good, back away and let her initiate for a while. Don’t panic and text her. Wait her out. At least give it a couple three days before you take the initiative.Early on in a relationship like this is when you establish the norms. If you start this cat mouse routine now, this is what you can expect a year or two down the road.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Does what he say make any sense?

It makes sense if it helps you. If it does not, then you may need to take another approach or maybe consider talking to a therapist for a few sessions to sort out how you want to proceed. Relationships are complex and how we handle them depends on so many factors. What is important though is how you feel. Are you getting your needs met and is this relationship worth working on for you? If so, then you might take the input of others and try to approach this from whatever way you feel is best for you. Everyone can give you an opinion, but only you can decide what works for you.

MaryAnn

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