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I was in a 29 year marriage and am now separated, with a…

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I was in a...

I was in a 29 year marriage and am now separated, with a divorce on the horizon. I never had a "normal" sex life with my husband. I never enjoyed sex or had desire for sexual intercourse with him (except maybe at the very beginning of our marriage. In addition, sexual intercourse with him was very infrequent and uncomfortable.

Doctor's Assistant: Is this your first time reaching out for information about this? In general, how would you describe your overall health?

Overall health is good. I am in menopause; however, I am healthy (except slightly underweight due to a stressful year). People say I look like I am in my late 30s rather than the 52 that I truly am. So...the rest of the issue.,, I now have a partner with whom I am having sexual intercourse. This is a much different experience for me. I am highly attracted to him and we have intimate times almost every day...sometimes even more. The problem is that it takes a very long time for me to become aroused. Sometimes not at all. I am wondering if it is hormonal due to menopause I have sexual desire

Doctor's Assistant: Anything else in your medical history you think the psychologist should know?

I have had a recent pelvic exam and I am healthy Please note that my husband was my first sexual partner This is now my second

Submitted: 6 months ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 34 minutes by:
1/2/2018
Mental Health Professional: Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC replied 6 months ago
Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 870
Experience: LMSW, CASAC
Verified

Welcome to JA. My name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in NYS. I am preparing my reply and will post in one moment.

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Mental Health Professional: Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC replied 6 months ago

Hello and thank you for reaching out to Just Answer. It is wonderful to hear that you are enjoying a relationship that may be offering you a more enjoyable sexual relationship than you had with your husband. Arousal is a very different experience for everyone but the process of getting aroused should always be an enjoyable experience, so it’s not like this should feel like a chore! Let your boyfriend know that it may take you longer and ask him to be more supportive of helping you get aroused. Ask if the two of you can spend more time on foreplay before moving on to intercourse. What are your favorite foreplay activities? Kissing? Holding each other? Talking and connecting? Laying in bed naked together? Spend 10-20 minutes going nice and slow, doing the things you enjoy the most. Feel your pleasure and desire gradually building. he will enjoy this too! Other than getting more relaxed and comfortable with your own unique responses and timing, you should also talk to your doctor about whether there could be a decrease in hormones that are affecting your libido. This would require requesting bloodwork to evaluate your progesterone, testosterone primarily as well as the balance to your estrogen. Also remember the physical intimacy with or without an orgasm is what can be so fulfilling and rewarding in our sexual life. I hope this helps. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
We do spend a lot of time in foreplay...he spends a great deal of time trying to stimulate me orally. My clitoris used to be extra sensitive and now he can work for what seems like an eternity and nothing happens. It is frustrating for me and I am sure for him as well...even though he is patient and giving. I wish there was something that could be done without hormone therapy...
Mental Health Professional: Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC replied 6 months ago

With what you have explained about the commitment you both have to foreplay you may want to go to the next step and talk to your gynecologist. I know HRT does sound like a lot to consider but you are young and healthy and may want to look into some of the newer vaginal creams and gels. May I ask one other possibility? Are you taking any type of psychotropic medications for depression or anxiety? Increase in the mount of alcohol you drink or smoking marijuana, etc. sorry fr such probing questions but these can also affect libido also. Linda

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
Actually, I am not so young - 52 - but feel young in every way. As I said earlier I am in full menopause. Regarding alcohol, cigarettes., meds, etc. I do not partake in any of the above-- my last alcohol consumption was a year ago.
Mental Health Professional: Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC replied 6 months ago

Oh dear woman, I know you are 52 from your post, and I still think that is relatively young, vibrant and healthy to consider HRT, or to at least explore your options with your doctor. I am glad to hear there are no external lifestyle habits or medications that are further complicating your ability to become aroused. I wish there was more I could offer here as a solution, but I do believe the best suggestion I can make is to discuss this with your gynecologist. It is a topic that he/she is familiar with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

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