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Help I think I’m a pedophile? I was attracted to a kid or…

Help I think I’m a...

Help I think I’m a pedophile? I was attracted to a kid or thought about it.but today I’m scared shitless if one day I would molest or do something to a kid today I looked at the kids and didn’t feel nothing sexual or even interested in them. Just thought “A kid whatever.” But I’m scared because I had thoughts and it made me aroused.I been having constant fear and thoughts about it.  I read and article about a man with OCD an lately I went through something and my mind always find something to get scared or make me feel bad I was scared of disease, then of hurting my family, then of becoming cold and kill. My thoughts are becoming worst and worst I been having for stress and depression for three weeks. I feeling sick more and more of my thoughts? I read shotacon and it’s basically hentai where characters look very young, it aroused me, one day I saw a little girl and got turn on. It didn’t bother me, but now I see kids and don’t get turn on. But this anxiety makes me feel like I’m a pedo. And one day I feel like I would hurt a kid and the thought doesn’t scare me inside my head. But, I don’t want that, I don’t want to hurt a innocent child. I feel like I’m becoming one, if I didn’t feel bothered then please tell me what is it? I read about people with OCD who fear of becoming pedophiles and actually go to the length of touching children and prove to themselves if it was as arousin as they imagined. I don’t want to do such low thing. f**k I’m scared that none of those thoughts bother me. Please help me

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I don’t know why but I relaxed more and watched pictures of kids and felt nothing. I don’t wanna be like this. I was around kids yesterday, didn’t felt aroused or anything but when I’m alone in my head I feel like a part of my enjoys it, but when I’m in real life I have no interest in them. But in my head pedophilia is ok. I wanna feel sick. I w***** *****ve normally, why would you ruin the innocent life of a child? Why can’t I feel guilty when I think of doing something bad to them?I was with my cousin yesterday and a adult young man came and I felt like I was attracted to him, but when kids and mothers came I felt or had no interest.I think I’m going crazy I don’t understand my head anymore. Right now a part of feels like if I molest a child I would enjoy it, or that I truly I’m a pedo. I don’t care if I don’t feel nothing even now I will kill myself if I hurt a child.I played with my little cousin years ago and horrible thoughts came to me. I was actually gonna hurt her one day, but when I came to visit them again I didn’t have any bad thoughts I played with them and had fun. But now I’m scared that I feel nothing and on impulse might hurt them. No more, I don’t and won’t hurt them.I haven’t mention this, because I don’t think is connected to my sick personality. And I don’t wanna use as an excuse for my thoughts or actions. Nothing justifies pedophilia.When I was around five or six I went into a store alone. My mother send me for something simple, I was in my own world and the man asked me something and I didn’t heard so I asked again. He then came out of the place where he had his register came out and was saying something I stood quiet. As he came towards me he was unzipping his pants and showed me his erection. I didn’t know what the hell to do or what to feel, I remember then he asked if I was wearing any panties and raised my skirt a little. I didn’t know what to feel was just feeling nothing, then another client entered. He ran back to the register like nothing had happened. I remember I didn’t thought nothing, I watched the woman and she looked at me.I ran out of the store, trembling. But I supressed my feelings. Didn’t cry or anything. But the way the woman looked at me is as if I was scared.Now, I was lucky enough to escape. I have read how victims of molestation or abuse suffer and I almost experienced it. Even if now I feel like a pedo who enjoys my horrible thoughts I wanna say this. No child deserves that. No child or human being, I don’t know what these days would become of me. I truly feel like I would do what that bastard did. A part of me feels proud and enjoys the thought. But I’m no f**king idiot. If I become a pedo, lock me up.I wanna learn how to overcome this. But, at the same time I’m mad because of all these damn thoughts and things I almost do.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Even if I have done nothing, I wanna end this damn feelings thoughts and sick impulses that almost make do something consume me. Please now that I’m with a part of me with morals, help me. I haven’t done anything, but like I mention some people with POCD have molest kids just to see if they truly are pedo. I think that one day would come and I would hurt a child.I wanna felt sick with myself. I wanna kept the kids away from me, I can’t do this alone. I’m talking like this so if one day I hurt anyone lock me up. I’m a sick f**k.I don’t know what to do. It consumes my head and I’m tired of it.They kids, they deserve to play and smile. Even if now I still feel like a pedo who would care if I hurt them and enjoy it. f**k that, they haven’t done nothing to deserve it. I hope their parents protect them from any harm. I wanna feel bad for all my behavior and sick thoughts. I wanna be angry at myself. Why can’t I? Why can’t I be normal? Please just take them somewhere far from me.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I know I kept adding to the post, but I wanna saying everything out honest and like it is. Yes I had thought of actually being attracted to a kid one time and felt good about it, but now when I see kids, I try and see if I feel it again. Nothing so far, I might be a pedo and suppress myself I think sometimes. But, then I truly just don’t feel any attraction towards kids, maybe sometimes. But now I see them and nothing.I have thought of actually touching a girl and didn’t feel bad about it. I actually enjoyed the thought.That’s what a pedo is they don’t feel bad about doing this to kids. But I wanna take the option of no becoming one more monster.I know I’m one.I wanna say that three weeks ago I had a panick attack and somehow a fear consumed everyday. I tried to ignore it, or find a solution didn’t work. First I had the panick attack because I almost passed out in work. I had headaches for three months and one day my dad I told him to take me to take a test. All the time while there I was shaking thinking I had a tumor or something. I overcame that fear. But then another day I thought I would hurt my little sibling and the wife of my brother because I was jealous. I talked to them and was honest about every thought and impulses I had. She hugged me and I felt hurt when she hugged me. I was scared and kept feeling horrible things towards her. But one day they picked me up and we talked and actually enjoyed her compny. I overcame that.Then my cousin has listening to everything I said or thought. Because I know talking to her she will remind me of my thoughts one day I was scared of using her and manipulating her as if she would be my lover and I told her. I overcame that fear.But now this I’m being honest in every word. All thought and actions I almost done are true. I won’t kept quiet because there is no other way around it. I don’t wanna evade this of me being an actual Pedo.I talked to her about it. I have become more strong , but this is different. This is about me hurting kids. I might enjoy it or feel attracted in a part of me, but a thing I never even if I am one and wished to do it is hurt a innocent. Hurt someone I don’t even know.I read Buddha and he taught me many things trough his quotes. There is option. And now even if I’m all this. I a little part of me, I don’t care if I truly don’t feel this way. I won’t and if I do I will tell everyone one.Hurting a kid is something unforgivable. No excuses. I know I might sound like is just fear that might get me like this, but I know I’m actually like this. But, like I said nothing excuses abuse towards kids. If I do something and feel proud or good about it. Don’t let me run, lock me, torture me.I know I haven’t hurt any kid yet. And I feel hopeless because I’m a pedo. Just don’t let me near anyone.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I tried to fight or accept it, but every day I can’t live in peace. Please just let me die, I don’t wanna be that monster who took away the kid from his parents. I don’t wanna be cold or attracted to kids. I wanna stop having this desires in my mind, I wanna play with kids like with my little cousins and laughs with them. I wanna go shopping and not look at kids and test if I’m attracted to them or not.I want peace of mind, not a pedo who molest kids and goes on with his life as if he or she isn’t hurting kids and are actually happy about it. I’m actually happy of the thought on my head, but want morals.I had enough.I know I can enjoy company of kids and never thinking of nothing sick. I wanna go playing around like brats, play soccer and dolls. Eliminate those desires or sick feelings.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I meant I want morals. Sorry.I know is not my OCD I have though and almost done horrible things. And even if inside my head and heart I feel or am a pedophile I wanna say if I do something horrible here is registered everything in this website. I don’t know if I would or not hurt a kid. Please just know here is everything. I won’t let myself go unpunished.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I still don’t feel nothing when I see them. I really don’t know what I am anymore.
Answered in 12 hours by:
12/11/2017
Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 870
Experience: LMSW, CASAC
Verified

Welcome to JA. My name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in NYS. I am preparing my reply and will post in one moment.

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Hello, I am going to be working with s patient until noon but I wanted you to know I am going to try to help you. I am sorry you had to wait for so long for an Expert but a question as serious as yours deserves careful consideration before responding. May I ask are you a male or female and how old you are? Also do you have a family or friend support system? And can you tell me if you have ever talked to anyone about these thoughts and feelings before? And what medications are you on? The more information I have the better I can help you. Thank you, Linda

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I am female, I’m 22, I have talked about it with my cousins and aunt, and dad lately. But I try to say it as honestly as I can.I have no used medications. Thanks.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’ll become suicidal lately. I cannot overcome the thoughts, but I don’t want my mind to rule me and the actions I may do if I don’t rule my mind.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I was with my little nephew and did something disgusting I touched him and was seeing If i felt something I want to die. I felt nothing and now I’m becoming a pedo, I gave him back, I will talk with them. If they hate me good. Please just help. I’m becoming a disgusting being. I don’t want to be near any child or toddler. I’m sick f**k. Please I was reading people with POCD do molest and that’s what I did. Just please kill me.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I didn’t touch him rough just caressed his butt but I did it like I tell you to test if I felt something. I don’t see a way out other than jail or death
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I gave him back the moment I realized now. I don’t want to molest kids, f**k please just help me.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
i felt nothing but that doesn’t excuse what I almost did.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I never had done something like that until now. Im scared to keep doing it and do something worst. Please help me
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I will tell them. I want them to kill me or lock me up, torture me. I don’t want to be a pedophile. This is what I was afraid of. To start like this.

If I offered you a phone call to discuss this live, could you talk. You are in so much distress, this is serious and treatable It would be best if we coudl talk live. Linda

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Tell me how I stop, how I end this. I will tell them to report me. I can’t do this anymore. I’ll wait for your response. Don’t worry I make sure I tell them. I want them to see the f**k monster I am. Tell me am I a pedo? I’m becoming one right? Why did I do that? Why even though feel nothing kept doing that? Even when I know the trauma it can cause? I don’t care what happens to me. I’ll stay away from them or tell them to lock me up.

Did you see this message? If I offered you a phone call to discuss this live, could you talk. You are in so much distress, this is serious and treatable It would be best if we could talk live. Linda

Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 870
Experience: LMSW, CASAC
Verified
Linda D. and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Phone call session started
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’m sorry right now I’m in vacation on Mexico if you can’t contact me I will let you know everything. I’ll will go with a therapist and will let you know everything
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
In case you can’t contact me.

Yes, I am trying to call. Do you have an iphone or do you use WhatApp?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I have what’s app too
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
is an iPhone
Customer reply replied 7 months ago

If it helps you can add *********** and then my number and I think the call will go through

Customer reply replied 7 months ago
If not I’ll try
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
To contact you later

We should not put our personal information here like our full phone numbers. When will you return from Mexico?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Do you use your same number in the WhatsApp
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I can try and do it without all the international costs I think
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
My what’s app is the same number given

Yes I do. I was not given your number. Can you send again on the request form and I will call using Whats ?

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I will call using WhatsApp.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago

Is +**************

Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I try to call in some minutes I need to add more money and will call I went through but my card said I didn’t have enough credit

Okay, I will wait, til you tell me it is okay to call.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’ll see if I can contact you with WhatsApp
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I think I can do it trough WhatsApp I will call tomorrow or whenever you tell me you are available

When do you leave Mexico?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’m gonna stay long time probably would go back until january
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I talked to my cousin and aunt. They told me not to get scared. I’m gonna talk with my family and be honest and make them read all I wrote. I don’t know how they will react. But, I can’t keep quiet and ignore it,

I was hoping we could talk in person because I am not at all sure that you have Pedophilia. For pedophilic disorder to be diagnosed, the following criteria must be met:

  • Recurrent, intense sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child (generally age 13 years or younger) for a period of at least 6 months.
  • These sexual urges have been acted on or cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
  • The person is at least age 16 and at least 5 years older than the child in the first category. However, this does not include an individual in late adolescence involved in an ongoing sexual relationship with a 12- or 13-year-old.

Additionally, a diagnosis of pedophilic disorder should specify whether the individual is exclusively attracted to children or not, the gender that the individual is attracted to, and whether the sexual urges are limited to incest.

There are a number of difficulties with the diagnosis of pedophilia. People who have this condition rarely seek help voluntarily—counseling and treatment are often the result of a court order. Interviews, surveillance, or internet records obtained through a criminal investigation can be helpful evidence in diagnosing the disorder. Extensive use of child pornography is a useful diagnostic indicator of pedophilic disorder. Additionally, genital sexual arousal can be measured in a laboratory setting through sexual stimuli and is based on the relative change in penile response.

People with this disorder rarely if ever seek help. And often they do not feel what they are feeling is "wrong" They often minimize or justify their feelings. I was hoping to talk to you further and determine with you whether you are suffering from OCD.

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Can you tell me what the time difference is for you from New York State. (Eastern Standard Time).

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
The thing is sometimes I don’t feel bad like I mention. I don’t even know if I’m truly a pedophile or not. I just can’t live with the thought of one day molesting or raping and after doing such act realize I’m a pedo and start becoming one. I think I am one. Sometimes I feel aroused, but that happend two times. Then now that I’m like this, I have been outside with my cousins and there are always children around. But, I don’t feel any attraction. I just seek help to stop me from a day hurting anyone. Even like I tell you my mind doesn’t feel guilty or enjoys it. But then in my real life I don’t feel much interest in any kids. I had attraction towards men, I don’t know if I am but thanks for all the help.I promise I will try to contact you in a call. I just need to figure out a way to call to USA from here.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I did have fantasies for along time, that’s too why I wanna be honest too. But never watched actual child pornography. I have searched for curiosity, but never dare to looked it up. Now I’m scared that I will start justify my feelings and become attracted to kids and search.But honestly most of my life is reading some comics called yaoi, and watching anime. Listening music and spend time listening horror stories. Draw. And now I’m scared too that all those things I used to love doing I will use it for pedophillic things.I do admit of all of what I said, but Like three days ago a dream triggered this is my mind and from the on. I keep getting worst.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I was looking videos on YouTube of a series and I laughed and I forgot all those horrible things. I felt different from a moment, like a old part of myself. But then I went back to those thoughts. I don’t know how, but I hope I find help

You will, because you want help, you will.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I talked to them and they got mad I wanna learn how to overcome this pedophilia. They took me to a doctor I told him that I was so mad that I told him that I would rape their kid and felt nothing . I was mad and felt nothing while they cried. I’m selfish, but I wanna kept trying I’m going to see a psychologist tomorrow and saying everything. I wanna love my little nephew as if he was my little brat, I wanna love kids like they were my kids and love them like a parent . I think all these thoughts really harmed me and everyone around me. Even if I felt nothing I wanna learn to love. I used to admire Buddha and stopped reading his quotes and thought nothing about it. Even if I’m truly a pedophile I want to cure this.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I tried to read passages of Buddha about fear. I see a little clearer now, I see myself in the past and yes I had horrible thoughts or wanted to take action on those disgusting thoughts, but until yesterday did I fail to see that what control me was my fears. I hurt someone dear, I must accept it and seek help to change. I’m meditating about everything I wrote. I sound compulsive and at the edge of losing myself an becoming that which my fear gave life to.I do think of what I did and more thoughts of me hurting my nephew come and a part of says I’m gonna do it if he is near me. I told my brother no to give him to me yet. My mind is still holding on those thoughts. Until I overcome it. I don’t know if I would be able to even control myself or hurting him or any other child.I looked in my past. And yeah sometimes I had pedofilic thoughts l, but never did it las more than two or one day that I cared about those thoughts. I’m constantly thinking of this that I can fear. As I write this I’m fearful and I see the monster consume me. But a part of me that has been patient and forgiving of all those thoughts is trying to reach out to me. I welcomed it for a minute and talked to myself and see how the conversation went in my head.Básically that part of me was telling me if I truly want to love my nephew I must forgive myself even if it was disgusting what I did if I don’t move on. I will become a pedophile because my mind will command me and I would lose. I must accep I didn’t do it because I felt something towards him. I did it to see if I was truly a pedophile. I must accept that there is no excuse for what I did either, but like Buddha said Love is the best thing to combat fear.I never saw my nephew or even did the thought cross my mind until I read that article and me and my dilutional mind took control of my actions. In a desperate attempt to prove myself I’m not a pedophile. Still I don’t know if i ever forgive myself for that. But all I can say is. I need that part of me to make learn to love myself and everything and everyone around me.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
when I read about Buddha and the teaching of fear he said the thoughts are like ilusions. Like I told you my mind constantly thought of horrible scenarios of pedophilia, and a part of me felt no regret and another enjoy it. But when I was in real life those thoughts made me feel like I was becoming a pedo. But like I said before, I don’t feel any attraction or interest in kids that way. Maybe in my mind, but no in my real life.I must learn more about myself and I’m trying to welcome the fear and accept it. But with the part of me who knows that I have let my mind control me. Like urban said there was one disciple who painted in a cave to meditate and one day he drew a tiger, it looked so real he started to fear it. Even though it was just a painting.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’m sorry I mean in the last three paragraph like Buddha said no urban
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I think I have POCD but I don’t wanna self diagnose myself. I went like I tell you trough a little trauma at work. I feared disease first, but never thought of pedophilia. Then I’m starting to see how my fear always found something new to keep me in that state.First disease, then next day was me hurting the wife of my brother and their kid, but no thoughts of pedophilia, then me hurting or using my cousins for my selfishness, then now this. f**k I never went to a psychologist until now. I’m mad, I hurt everyone around me. All because of my mind, I look back at myself, and never had I experienced fear like this for almost a month.I’m mad for hurting my little nephew, I can’t see him anymore. No my brother or family. f**k me they didn’t deserve any of that. I’m the only one to blame. And I’m the only one that needs to grow up and fix this. Anyone reading this know that fear can consume you. If you ignore it or run away know fear stays with you.You don’t run from it, fear will consume you. I went dilusional, don’t hurt those around you. Now that I’m with a more calm and clear head before my panick attack at work I see myself back.I never had hurt them this bad. But now, I need to keep walking and fix this. I’m not attracted to kids, just three day ago did I start in my mind constantly thinking I would become a pedo. Even when thoughts are horrible and like that, reality hit me hard. I let my own mind manipulate me and it was turning me into a f**king crazy person. A selfish being.Now I know my mind will always find a way to consume. I love my family, but I hurt one of the most innocent and precious person in my family. And I will not forgive that. No even if I was at the edge of desperation. Nothing justifies your actions, even when blind by fear.Reality will give you a slap. And when it does know when you have done the damage, you urself were too much of a coward to deal with it.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I think I can contact you through WhatsApp. I’m going to go with the psychologist Thursday, but I wanna kept in contact. I don’t want to go back to that state of fear.

I hope it goes well with the psychologist. Let me know when you want to talk with WhatsApp. Linda

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thanks a lot Linda she called me and got an appointment. She told me I wasn’t a pedophile and she talked to me about my childhood she says that a part of me that reflects my childhood is angry, she said I was hurting the most innocent because that part of me reflectes all that she never had. I never would realized many things. I really appreciate it Linda. I’m gonna keep going. I never realized the many things I been holding since I was a kid.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I have been doing all the meditation and everything. I don’t have more pedofillic thoughts, I’m feeling horrible for all the things I’ve done to my nephew. I was taking out all my anger and hatred towards him.That child in my head wants to take out all the anger and hurt I had hold and never noticed why. That’s why I was so cold and so bitter. She made me realize many things, I never knew the seed of everything I been doing until now. I ignore it. She told me what I did to my nephew and the way as I gave him back so quick to his parents and stood away from them and everyone didn’t made me a pedophile. It’s my inner child that needs to heal. She told me a pedophile doesn’t regret what they do to kids. They hurt them for the own satisfaction.She told me some become like that because they take out their wounds against that which they could never have. As if their inner child wanted to take it out on the innocent.I regret it everyday, but she told me I need to accept that inner child of mine and see whY my scars never Closed. I’m staying away from kids because what my inner child does becomes bitter, angry, jealous. And finds or manipulates me in a way so I hurt that which reflects that she could never have.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I kept telling her I was a pedophile but after all we talked in my head it clicked when she told me “You’re not a pedophile, a pedophile doesn’t ask for help. That child inside you is bitter of what others have and she never received. She finds a way to hurt that which reflects what no one could give her.”
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I was talking to my liner child and agreed with her. I need to teach my inner self to love again because she feels like she can’t love anymore and just wants to damage
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I looked at videos of pedophiles killers and cps of child abuse I’m scared of feeling like I will become one of them if I don’t control myself I’m scared as f**k a part of me has convinced me I am gonna do that to someone. I’m starting to believe and feel I will act upon it. I’m losing my will to combat this. Before any damage I do I’m gonna kill myself and leave home. Everyone is in danger I’m gonna kill them a part of me is making me do this please stop me. Please kill me before I hurt someone I don’t t wanna become a serial killer a pedophile Assasin but a part of my mind is making me that I’m probably that That’s the last thing I wrote before going with the physiologic.She asked “who classified you as a pedofile?”
I told her “ I am, isn’t what I did what a pedophile does?”She told me. “ You didn’t do it to hurt him, just to see if you were one. If you were A pedophile doesn’t seek help, they find a way to justify their acts. they don’t regret it, you can’t eve forgive yourself. They wouldn’t even have any remorse and keep doing it.”
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I’m still not forgiving myself and probably never will. I can’t be near him or my family. I feel sick of myself still. But, i need to fix my inner child first. She told me I need to stay away from kids because my mind will go back to tell me I’m one. f**k thanks to all of you.I can’t thank you enough.

You are so welcome and I agree you do not present as a person with the disorder of pedophilia. If you were to receive treatment for your anxiety for a period of time, I think you would be surprised at how much better you are going to feel and how much your thoughts will settle down. Linda

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You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions.

John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!!

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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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