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My mother believe I am a psychopath and refuse to have

My mother believe I...

My mother believe I am a psychopath and refuse to have anything to do with me. I joke about it, but sometimes I worry that she is right, because it seems impossible for me to love a man. I sometimes feel nothing but content for my husband and dread being around him, even though I logically admire him (he is a really good guy, hands down, I picked him from the top shelf).We both have been through a LOT, so it is complicated, but to summarize with a goal,- I want to learn how to love him (and myself) unconditionally.

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Answered in 1 hour by:
11/22/2017
Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 871
Experience: LMSW, CASAC
Verified

Welcome to JA. My name is ***** ***** I am a real person who is a licensed psychotherapist (sorry for the standardized information gathering from our assistant) and I am in private practice in NYS. I am preparing my reply and will post in one moment.

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First, I want you to know I highly doubt that you are a sociopath due to the fact that you are reaching out for help ( a sociopath would not believe she needed help) and that you are concerned that at times you lack the feeling of emotional connection with your husband. I want you to know that all of out behaviors and feelings have meaning. There is a reason they exist. To allow me to help you more can you tell me ore about yourself and your marriage? Also have you had a trauma or significant loss in the past? I look forward to hearing from you. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Thank you.Yes, there is a lot that goes into the equation here.- I grew up with a violent father who never was able to show any other emotion than anger.
- My mother suffered from depression and anxiety and from I was around 9 years old, I had to be the parent figure for her instead of the other way around.
- I was sexually abused by a neighbour when I was 11. It wasn't a big thing going on over a long time, so I never mentioned this in talks before, but in the light of #metoo I realized that maybe it had bigger impact than I used to think.
- My only "safe harbour" was my grand parents. They died in a fire when I was 16.
- My father had 5 heart attacks in the timespan between my 11th and 20th birthday.
- We had to move 4 times before I turned 15 years old due to failure to pay our mortgage due to my fathers health condition.
- I was bullied throughout my entire childhood and didn't have somebody to call a friend before I was 19 years old.
- I suffered from depressions and social anxiety from I was 14 to 25, dropped out of school and saw a lot of therapists without ever really finding it helpful.
- I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome when I was 26, while participating in a brain study on depression.
- I was given a B12 supplement around the same time that pretty much cured my depression. Since then I have sad days like everyone else, but not been depressed.After my father passed away in 2010 and a failed marriage I moved from Norway to Canada where I met my current husband. He is really wonderful, all the med I dated are wonderful, but broken. He has bipolar disorder and suffer from all kinds of trauma on his own. His father commited suicide when my husband was only 14. He was the first to find his dead father. He didn't get adequate help and became an alcholic and drug user at the age of 14.
Later, he nearly died in a car accident and spent 3 years learning to walk again. He had significant damage to his short term memory and cognitive abilities, so he can sometimes be very frustrating to be around, but he is very mindful, kind, caring, attentive - and he is getting very good help here with medication etc.We became pregant in 2012 and lost baby twins on August 12th 2012. I gave birth to Zoe and Kian at week 23 and held them in my arms for about 45 minutes before they passed away. I spent 3 months just screaming and 6 months on maternity leave and had a really good support system with other mothers who had lost babies, so I feel that I have processed this well. My husband however has not.My mother is seeing a man who is extremely racist, manipulative and...well...that is a very long story not really relevant, except he managed to turn my mother against me and my younger brother, so she wont talk to any of us. She said she think I am a psychopath like my father, but I don't think my father was a psychopath at all. It is possible that he also had undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome though, and that she never really understood his anger, but I saw a very different side of him before he died. In his last few years we became very, very close, he was such a loving father in the end, and I forgave everything. My mother was very jealous and bitter over that, because in the same period I realized her side of the story wasn't the only side of the story, so I started questioning her and her decisions over the years.There is so much more I could say, but I think these are the big "markers".
I've never been able to really love a man. I had so many boyfriends, but I just grow sick and tired of them, and they just annoy me and I start to hate them. But my current husband is really worth keeping, so I want to find that love in my heart.We have a son together. He is 3,5 years old, and I love him with every fiber in my body, so I am clearly capable of it. I want to love my husband the same way, or as close as possible, because when you love someone like that, you don't get annoyed with every little thing in the same way. And he can obviously feel that I don't LOVE him the way he loves me, and that causes him pain that makes him act irrational and even more annoying.But I don't really love myself either. I find it very hard to accept that I am even lovable to others, no matter how many times my husband tells me he loves me, so there is probably a link there. I doubt is is only a cliche that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.Despite everything, we are now settled back in Norway I brought my son (Erik) and husband (Rob) here, and we are both working full time in very successful companies with a stable income and a good home. My younger brother and his wife and son lives 2 minutes down the road, so on the outside we are the perfect familiy.But the tension in our relationship is growing and something need to change.
Oh dear heart, if I did s trauma assessment on you with just what you have shared here, you would be off the charts. Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? One of the symptoms can be an emotional blunting and also avoidance of anything that will trigger deep anxiety (such as loving and/or being loved by someone you could lose). You are not a sociopath you are a survivor of a great deal without a whole lot of support for YOUR needs.
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There is a couple of books by Charles Whitfield you should read. Healing the Child Within and Boundaries and Healthy Relationships.
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I know you have tried therapy before, but I would love to see you in a safe, nurturing, supportive environment with a therapist where you can heal some of these wounds. This person would have to specialize in trauma. You deserve this.
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Is there anything else I can do to help? I am here for you. Linda D., LMSW, CASAC
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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
The problem I have with therapists, is that they take such a long time just to assess me, and meanwhile I grow impatient because it feels like I am wasting my time (and money) on somebody who isn't really capable of helping me anyway. Perhaps I should look for someone with more specialized PTSD experience, and ask them directly for some insight to the methology, so that it is easier for me to trust the process and be more patient.I will read your book recommendations.
Thank you.
You are welcome. Yes, be selective and choose a trauma informed therapist. The books will give you insight that I think will be very helpful in your relationship with your husband. I wish you all the best. Be good to yourself and let me know if I can help any further. I would appreciate you taking a moment to rate my service to you. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC
Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 871
Experience: LMSW, CASAC
Verified
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Linda D.
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Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 871
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