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How can I talk to my daughter without angering her. She says…

How can I talk...

How can I talk to my daughter without angering her . She says that I think everything is all about me whenever I try to encourage her or just answer a question. She gets very angry

Doctor's Assistant: How is your mood? Are you experiencing regular sleep disturbances (e.g. trouble falling asleep, waking up early)?

No

Doctor's Assistant: Anything else in your medical history you think the Psychologist should know?

I dont think so

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Answered in 1 hour by:
10/16/2017
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 445
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Verified

Good evening and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area.

I'm curious how old your daughter is? Can you please describe a recent interaction so I can better understand the dynamics?

I look forward to providing a very thorough answer for you.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
She is 33.
She: Is the scale in your bathroom working
Me: Yes, I think so. Is there a problem
She: Well it gives fluctuating readings
Me: Well, you really shouldn't weigh yourself everyday. Maybe, do it on the same day once per week.
Me. I weigh myself before going to the doctor and both scales give the same reading, so I think....
She: ( extremely angrily) So you are saying its all my fault that I don't lose the weight, you think I am just a slob and you have to make everything about you.
Me: What , I...
She: Look at what you said " Well I weigh myself before going to the doctor and the weight is the same..." meaning you are doing fine and its my fault that I don't lose the weight that I want to . You just don't know how to talk to people and you always make everything about you!That is a recent interaction.

Good evening and thank you so much for this example. I imagine there are many more examples you can give that are quite similar as it seems your daughter responses in such a defensive way when interacting.

The definition I like best for defensiveness is to act with a war mentality when there is a non-war issue. It is an impulsive, reactive response to a question or conversation. Rather than responding from a place of love--weapons and shields are drawn.

When people experience the self-protective behaviors of others, they go into their own defensive strategies — avoid, withdraw, challenge, deny, etc. Everyone tiptoes around the “elephants in the room”, for fear that we trigger someone’s defenses and we won’t know how to deal with them.

Contrary to popular ideas about defensive behaviors, we don’t learn them. They are hard-wired into the fabric of our brain’s physical organization and the function of the brain that dominates. Based on the function that dominates, we are wired to use defenses that ensure our psychological needs are met.

I imagine your daughter views your advice/thoughts as entirely critical and immediately lashes out. Perhaps have a conversation with her (when things are calm) saying you love and respect her but fear she sees you as being over-critical or feels misunderstood. I imagine she has some significantly deeply buried feelings of frustration/anger that are being pushed down and coming out defensively.

If this type of conversation is something you fear, perhaps she would be open to doing a few sessions with you and a therapist? This could actually be life-changing for your relationship if she were willing.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 445
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Verified
Therapist Leslie and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Thank you! This was extremely helpful. Yes, I do believe my daughter has repressed feelings of anger and I will attempt to speak with her when she calms down. I also appreciate your suggestion of joint therapy sessions which I will suggest to her as a way to heal the breach.

Good morning and thank you so much for your kind words. I'm pleased to hear this was helpful and know I am here should you need anything in the future.

I gently request you provide a star rating so I may be compensated for my time. Of course, we can continue to speak once this is provided.

Take good care.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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I just wanted to check in as I received a rating from you. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

I gently request you provide a star rating for me so I may be compensated. Of, we can continue to talk after a rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Leslie

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Satisfied Customers: 445
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