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I feel in love with a man my family didn't approve of. After

living with them till age...
I feel in love with a man my family didn't approve of. After living with them till age 25 I had enough of my mothers controlling attributes. I stated staying with him more frequently overnight. After a couple weeks my mother removed everything from my room kicking me out. I chose to live with him. The way my mother and family acted caused a lot of problems between my partner and I. It tore me up, my family being so horrible and the person I loved started lashinb out at me overnt too. It caused us to spectate eventually. During that time we saw other people. When we got back together things were really good, then very bad with him. We moved passed things and he was decent through the summer. Once again he is blowing up at me calling me names ect. One minute he loves me wants to have kids, the next he can't stand me. This behavior has been the same that pushed me awAy before. I love him, I have forgiven him for the things he has done, but he keeps looking at my family and the time we were separated, even though he tried moving on as well. Is exhausting and I chose him over my family. How can I continue though with feeling so much emotional struggles and instability everyday. I truly love him, but I don't know how to handle this. On top I'm tbi recovery, and sometimes I question myself over this.
JA: How is your mood? Are you experiencing regular sleep disturbances (e.g. trouble falling asleep, waking up early)?
Customer: My sleep has been off from stress. I've been emotionally off.
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: TBI recovery patent
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Answered in 26 minutes by:
10/16/2017
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 720
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified

Hello, thanks for writing. My name is***** am sorry to hear things feel so unsure right now and your emotional state is paying for iot. Indeed, there is huge importance in being willing/able to live in the present rather than being trapped by the past. You have been doing this, taking your love at face value and giving your partner multiple chances even at the expense of other people you care about, but he has not been able to return this. The ongoing love/hate relationship is just not a good balance for a relationship needless to say marriage. Of course, all relationships have ups and downs but at the end of the day, your partner needs to be capable of reassuring you that he honors and supports you. Under no circumstances should he verbally or emotionally abuse you and it sounds like this may be happening and may be a pattern.

If I were you, I would start to talk to your partner about the viability of your relationship stating to him that if can not treat you as you deserve, then you will leave. Ideally, you need to advocate for yourself in this relationship by asserting that you are not willing to commit your future to a person who is unwilling to be steadfast and commit his. In this conversation, you may suggest couple's counseling as a way of enhancing your communication so you can make sure that you and him are having constructive, even if difficult, exchanges. The goal is not to make him feel you expect a 100% perfect relationship, but to impart that you have already sacrificed because of your love for him and want to have that sacrifice be worth it with the man, the life, and the future you deserve.

So keep communicating with him, openly and honestly, and ask for help through a counselor if you need it. But above all else, remember, you don't deserve to have a man talk down to you no matter what you gave up for him. Just because you made that investment originally does not mean you must stay committed if this man is not meeting your needs, is not who you once thought he was, and if the good times are coming around less and less.

I am here to chart more of you'd like! I know this is a tough situation and even a tough answer...

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Thank you.I haven't always lived in the present, last year before we separated over the summer he was trying, and I couldn't get over things he has done. It was too late for me at the time I felt. It took a while, but I have chosen to live in the present. And now he's fed up, feeling the way I did.I find myself wanting to give my whole heart and life to him. However, dealing with this side of him for so long, it finally tears me apart. I don't see the point in all the defending I've done for him with my family, or sacrificing them ( with exception to my mother). I miss them so much more, because he's not being the partner I chose. So I end up making choices I don't always think through like he does, from it festering. Then going to spend time with a family member to get away from him. I can only imagine how it hurts him in that process since my family has outcasted him completely.When things are good they are beautiful, and it doesn't take much. We do have a tremendous amount of stressthough. under normal conditions I feel we would be fine. Because of what my family has done, knowing who he can be and my love for him, this life is enough. But it's so unstable and draining right now. I know my Tbi injury doesn't help, but I know it's more than that.I think although we love each other, we are both at the end. I don't want that to be the case, although it may be. However, I feel I need help communicating with him when he is in his angry, victim mode that keeps going. Would you have any advice?

I am sorry. I am attempting to write you back but have to delay.Please know I will write you a response in the next few hours and for sure today. Thanks for your patience...

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Hello, I feel it often happens that a relationship may take a turn for the worse but one of the partners holds on to the good phase too tightly, hoping that because there were/are some bright spots, that those will return and become the norm. That want to have things work out sometimes clouds our reason and we troop along then tolerating the bad because we know that the person has so much potential. But lasting, healthy relationships don't tend to have this phase and instead, have mutual confidence that even with ups and downs, the relationship is going to be permanent. It just sounds like you don't have the assurance or confidence. Instead, I hear some doubt and regret about all that you have done to accommodate this man in your life and how he hasn't been able to be a steady force supporting you in the face of your mutual stress. He seems to be a primary factor in that stress.

My advice to you is to stay grounded when he makes your family's choices your fault. They are not. Just like his anger and ability to keep the past in the past are not your fault nor is his emotional and verbal abuse. He has resolved that this issue is going to be more important then you and him partnering up to weather this storm and that mentality, forcing you to pay for an already difficult situation, is not fair. So when he does start to try to manipulate the way you feel and makes you feel bad about things that were not your doing or were honest emotional reactions from you, then you can remind him where you have stood through this ordeal - by his side. If he isn't willing to see the beauty in you and in that bravery, then let him go. Work on feeling better about yourself and the fact that you deserve someone who can give you more. While it is FAR from easy, relationships that need to end ultimately will and at this point, you may want to conceive of "cutting your losses" before there is more emotional investment and complications (shared investments, house, kids, pets, etc.) that will likely only perpetuate stress rather than alleviate it.

I remain here if you have additional thought!! Again, I know this is tough to read and decide.

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Thank you, it's been hard knowing the right thing is. My family has always tried to tear us apart. I've invested over three years and it has put more stress on me than the other medical conditions I have. I truly do love him, and it use to be that no matter what things would work out, but it's just been so much now.I also feel like even though we've been through a lot, no one will love me the way he does, the person he is, it's the kind of love I always wanted and I don't want to miss that.If we were to sperate too I can't help but think of all the stress and defending I did just for this relationship. That pain. The over 3 years investing together. And then I see I'm almost 30 and I feel so unaccomplished with the tbi recovery that happened at 21. Then Am I ever going to be able to find someone and love them the way I want to love, I don't know. I don't think I can love anyone as much as I love him. So even if I do move on, maybe I'll have more peace, and family approval, but I will always wish we worked out, and think of him.I know he is experiencing a great deal of pain from my family, and even when I tried to date when we were separated. But he holds onto it and it simmers in him I feel. I think because his parents had a very unhealthy divorce when he was young. But he just hangs onto things so much. One min he loves me so much, the next he's blowing up, or doesn't want to be around me. I'm almost wondering if there could be more going on. He obsesses and flips at times so fast. Could he have some kind of disorder, or could life experiences really just be way too much for him...

I hear how much you love him. I just don't want you to fall into the trap of wondering if you could or will love again. Many have loved and lost and loved again.

And yes, he may have something going on from a mood or personality standpoint. I had a thought of it in something you wrote earlier about his flippy moods and intensity and the love you/hate you game he takes. this push and pull is a classic battle with a Borderline, who struggles to maintain consistent self-image and has labile emotions and therefore struggles to be consistent with other things in life, including relationships. https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder Perhaps he is depressed as irritability and mood variability are symptoms of a mood disorder. And yes, perhaps he just has a more difficult time coping and accepting than other people might. People who have rough childhoods (e.g. divorce) can have very damaged images of what a healthy relationship looks like and often find themselves in unstable relationships that mimic patterns they knew from childhood.

I know you have a tough decision facing you. i hope talking it out is helping you think it through.

-Leah

LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 720
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified
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LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 720
720 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience

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