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I'm writing because I'm in a very stressful upsetting

Hi,I'm writing because I'm in...
Hi,I'm writing because I'm in a very stressful upsetting relationship, and I need to make sense of it. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is an angry guy by nature. I think he's a bit narcissistic, always saying he's better than others, everything is someone eleses fault, etc. The thing is hes Jeckyl and Hyde. This morning is a perfect example. We went to bed with him yelling at me to shut up because i was trying to talk about relationship issues to him cuddling me this morning. The cuddles quickly turned into him being distant, but still wanting sex. He went to go shower, I came into the bathroom he hugged me some more took a shower, and I thought we would have sex. He then came out of the shower moody and sullen. I tried touching him and he pushed me away, went to the bed and began to start to cry saying he was upset with his mother. (He has massive family issues). I backed off and he said the wanted to be left alone- for the whole day! At which point I became upset because we had agreed that today would be my day to choose something to Do that I wanted as a couple. (We take turns on the weekends) It seems that whenever it's my day he ruins it by either making us late or being in a bad mood all day. We have been also breaking up off and on due to these and other issues. He vacillates between telling me to leave, and then when I pack up my stuff to leave he says that he loves me and wants me to stay. Then two days later he'll ask me to leave again that he hates me and can't stand me. It's like a really weird cycle. Today turned into that with him telling me to get out and that he didn't want to talk all day because he's sick of me, etc. I told him that he can't take his frustrations with life out on me. Because that feels like exactly what's happening. Also to make matters worse everytime he gets this way he emotionally cheats on me with his ex wife partly because I think that he wants to, and partly because he knows that it hurts me really bad and he's being vindictive. Then he will tell me that it was my fault for making him angry and we will end up getting back together and it seems like the cycle repeats again. I'm really upset, and part of me feels like maybe it is my fault, even though I'm not really sure what I've done. I'm just not sure what's going on as I've never experienced these massive ups and downs. If you could help shed some light into any of this would be great. Also just to let you know he's been diagnosed with depression and is on medication for it although it doesn't seem to be helping at all even though he's on the maximum strength, he refuses to go see a counselor so that's not an option. Also he blames me for everything that goes wrong. Today he said that I wasted our day together, and this weekend I wasn't getting a day for that reason. To me it sounds childish and vindictive. He also refuses to talk about our relationship, and if he does it's always my fault. Also I do realize I'm in abusive relationship. Thank you
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Answered in 17 hours by:
9/17/2017
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified

Hi, thank you for writing. My name is***** am so sorry you find yourself in this pattern of ups and downs. He is refusing to see a counselor and you recognize this to be a pattern of abuse, but it sounds like you aren't yet ready to make a more permanent decision to leave. I think that the best thing I can encourage is that you consider why you are allowing yourself to stay on this ride as opposed to focusing on his behaviors which may not be so easily changed, especially if he is resistant. You may also wish to surround yourself with a community of people like peers and counselors who have some experience in abusive or difficult relationships as it can help support you while you remain engaged, and help catch you if you choose to leave. I know that is hard to hear but it is my obligation to answer your question in an honest way as I know you came here looking for someone's professional take.

Also, while I certainly cannot diagnose him, I do encourage him to talk to his doctor about considering options for changing his anti-depressant. His emotionally volatility could have something to do with depression as it is a common symptom of the condition. I also encourage you to look up information about Borderline personality disorder which is often highlighted by manipulation, push and pull, anger, inconsistency, troubled relationships, dysfunctional communication patterns, etc. Perhaps your boyfriend has some Borderline traits so it may help you to learn about this in order to better understand him. https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

I am here to chat more about this if you'd like!

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 2 months ago
Thanks Leah for your answer. I looked up borderline personality disorder, and from my experience with him for 3 years h has every single symptom but suicidal tendencies. That seems like something that he would never do. Would BPD still be a possibility? Also he seems to take great pleasure in "punishing" me when he doesn't get his way. Such as if he knows something I want, he will go out of his way to make sure that I don't get it. Can this also be a part of it?Thanks,April
Customer reply replied 2 months ago
Also I forgot to add that he has excessive need to be alone. He is on the computer basically all day, and will only take short breaks to have dinner, etc. we have gotten into many fights regarding this. He now has moved to the basement, and gets upset if I come down telling me that I'm bothering him when he spends virtually no time with me. Even on the weekend. He has set up a man cave of sorts that he refuses to come out of. This isolation is very concerning to me. If he does have to come upstairs to cut grass etc. he is eager to get back down in the basement until bed time which is often very late 12am or 1am even though I tell him I'm tired, and ask to go to sleep earlier. He seems to be able to exist just fine on 5-6 sleep a night. That seems odd to me as well. Just thought I would mention that tonget your take.Thank you so much!April

Hi. thanks for replying. Yes, he could absolutely have BPD without having every one of the criteria - I am certainly glad to hear risk of self-injury isn't a worry. And yes, his tendency to "punish" you then cycle right back to making amends certainly falls in line with the destructive and roller-coaster like actions that a BPD person may engage in.

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Let me read what you just added, April...

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That isolation definitely and shutting people out is symbolic of depression and may further represent that his depression is not well controlled. People with BPD (and other personality issues) often have co-occurring illnesses like depression so this combination is frequent. Are you sure he is taking him medications consistently? If you can encourage him towards steps to manage the depression, I think that would be a ideal place to start. Active depression is likely an underlying issue and has a lot to do with how he treats you and engages in his external world.

One tough thing - people with BPD may have trouble seeking/accepting help and without recognition of this illness and willingness to seek treatment (therapy) you may not see significant changes in regards ***** ***** treatment of you. Help with the depression is a good p;ace to start, and then when he is feeling better overall, perhaps tackling the other things will come a little easier...

-Leah

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Customer reply replied 2 months ago
Thank you so much Leah for your advice. I do agree with you on everything.

You are very welcome. I wish for you peace and strength and clarity as you navigate this relationship!!

Take care,

Leah

LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience
Verified
LeahMSWuofm and 87 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
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LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 736
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Experience: 10 years post-MSW experience

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