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OKMH916100post I am very concerned for my 3 children ages 10

OKMH916100post I am very concerned...

OKMH916100post I am very concerned for my 3 young children ages 10 year, 9year, and 7 year old. Their father and I have 50/50 custody I just recently got 50/50 due to dad and girlfriend had a domestic fight in front of kids and police were called. The kids are telling me that they still fight and drink alcohol when kids in house. The boys have terrible anger issues and become violent my daughter internalize things and won't talk much. She has been caught touching herself inappropriately. I have made a complaint with cps they ignore my concern due to dad lie and he intimidate kids with threats of punishment if they tell anyone. Kids are getting worse and dad denies it and refuses to allow me to take to psychologist. I going to have get court order to allow an evaluation I want to know your professional opinion about effects living in this environment can have on my children. Dad has diagnosis of bipolar for sure and does not get treatment. He has severe mood swings still. That why she took kids out of his home years ago. He is still doing same behavior only with his girlfriend now. I see my children getting worse the longer they spend time with dad I can't get proof only know what kids tell me

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Answered in 1 hour by:
9/16/2017
Juliet Cooper
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 51
Experience: Psychologist in private practice
Verified
Hi, this is Dr. Juliet, a licensed Psychologist. I understand this is a stressful and difficult situation. I want to clarify something... you said you recently got 50/50 custody, what was the arrangement before? It sounds like your kids are already having a tough time so they are being negatively effected. Living with people who are drinking, fighting and behaving erratically is not a stable enviorment for kids. What has happened when CPS has assessed the situation? You said police were called for a domestic fight, how is this ignored by CPS, that does not make sense. If a report was filed then there is a record that can't be ignored. You need to get the kids evaluated and that has to be done through the courts ( forensic evaluation). In the meantime your instincts about getting your kids professional help is spot on. If their father will not allow this I would suggest you turn to their school and see what kind of support they can offer. Many schools have mental health professionals and this is a way to get your kids some help. What do you mean your daughter has been caught touching herself inappropriately? Is she doing this publically? Let me know your thoughts on what I have suggested. I can provide further feedback when you clarify some of the questions I asked. I will wait to hear back from you.
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Customer reply replied 2 months ago
It's a long drawn out custody battle that you do not have time to hear all details. I had no lawyer he did. His lawyer requested a custody evaluation and one was done. All through the custody stuff he made up abuse accusation and I had medical documents to prove no abuse I left his home with kids went to domestic abuse shelter. Long story short he paid for the evaluator and there was shady stuff with her report and judge. He got sole custody base on psychologist recommendation. I fought for 3 years to prove I was right. I did everything possible. He medically neglect my children and mentally abuse them and used parental alienation. I called cps due to medically neglecting mental abuse only to be told by cps nothing going on they closed case every time. I have complaints with ombudsman. No one helped my kids due to him lying and kids lie cause they afraid of getting in trouble with dad. Anyway after 3 years I finally got proof I needed that showed what I been saying all along. Dad and girlfriend were drunk fighting and police were called I went picked kids up and filed emergency petition next day. I got temp custody. We ended up with 50/50 because judge said he not take kids from dad based on one incident. since that incident I have kids every other week. Kids tell me they still fight and tell them don't tell me or I cause problems. The boys have extreme anger issues. The hit punch throw things it getting worse my 7 year old is hurting kids in his class and been to principal several times they get angry all time I called school psychologist she said teachers say it normal behavior for his age. He tells me he did it cause he got mad. I see the anger and so does dad but whenever I say something he lies says it me they never that way at his house. I k ow that untrue cause when he not trying to cover he makes comments about them being bad. My daughter is touching her vagina and put her fingers inside herself she has had a few yeast infections. She admitted to me and my mom she does this. I called cps when I first heard this cause I concerned of sexual abuse or her way deal with stress or mental abuse in house. Investigator told me she didn't think it abnormal and my daughter told her she embarrassed about it and didn't want to talk about it. She still touch herself off and on. I been trying to get them help but the people who should help ignore my children's well being
Customer reply replied 2 months ago
In az court appointed psychologist used to have immunity and I could not get her disciplined by board for write a biased untrue report. Well that no longer true and I was able to take her report to license board and she got some type of letter but by time this happened I got 50/50 but I need get someone to evaluate kids to hopefully show being in dad home is causing them harm
Customer reply replied 2 months ago
I am also concerned that even if judge makes order for dad to allow kids to be evaluated he go into office and tell lies like he did before and he does not want them get help so when they at his house it be useless for me to follow through with recommendations but at dads house they ignore everything. How would that help kids. One time before I left him I took kids to a psychologist and when he found out he told them once you going to your kookoo class and one other time prior to a hearing g he took our daughter to a psychologist cause that was one of my complaints she wanted to see daughter again so he made second appt to show judge he had one but after court he never took her back he canceled appt and never took her anywhere.
I am out now but will respond to you later.
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This is a long and complicated case ( I have dealt with a lot of divorce situations) and I can only imagine your frustration and sadness in being separated from your children for so long. Can the court appoint a parent coordinator? The parent coordinator is suppose
to assure that whatever the agreement says i.e. The children require treatment and there is follow up. Sometimes that is done, they help to navigate co - parenting in high conflict divorce cases. You have fought to get them back and having 50/50 split is an accomplishment. While their father's home is stressful for your children I am not surprised that they try to hide things from you, this is the home they have lived in and there is security to that. They are probably having to adjust to going back and forth between the homes. The anger issues you describe in your sons are concerning but not surprising after what they has been dealing with.
Your 7 year old hurting other kids is not typical behavior, so I am not sure where the School Psychologist is coming from. Can you make an appointment to met with the School Psychologist to share your concerns and try to get their support. The school is a crucial support system and if they are concerned with your kids behavior and feel they need support, their father will not have a choice.
As for your daughter's behavior of touching her vagina, this is actually not unusual or a problem. I understand that parents can feel uncomfortable with this but it is ok for a child to touch their own body and try to understand how things work and feel. You just want to put some limits on where they do this ( which is why I asked you if she was doing this in public ). You can explain that this is a private behavior and should be done in her room by herself. You want to be careful not to make your daughter feel ashamed of touching her body or wanting to understand how things feel.
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Customer reply replied 2 months ago
Thank you for getting back to me. Dad is the one who enrolled kids in this school when he had sole custody. He made me out to be a terrible mother who was a big time drug addict which is absolutely false I never use drugs in my life I am allergic to so many meds I can never take any type of pain meds dad knows this but still told everyone i a drug user. He made sure the school staff knew I am a bad mom. I was never informed of much school stuff and when I would show up to school for kids programs or conferences I felt like a leaper teachers would lie to me about things going on with my kids. Teachers that were not aware of our custody situation didn't want to believe I was the mother because dad and his girlfriend told some teachers she was the kids mom. Recently when I got emergency order after their fight principal accused me of giving her a fake order the order stated reason I got custody and she told me she didn't believe the accusations. I went to superintendent about how I was treated. Nothing came of that. Dad's girlfriend volunteered at kids school and teachers would tell her stuff about my kids school nurse would document mother notified but it was not me who she notified. Dad has a way of intimidate people and get them to believe his lies. I hate even going to my children's school due to way I am treated. Every time I go to school they call my ex to tell him I there. It does not really surprise me that psychologist would not agree with me. Teacher told her my son's behavior was normal for age but she did not talk to my son and said they will mi it or things. I do not know what I can do. My son is an angry boy and needs help I don't know how to get the help with dad lying so much
Customer reply replied 2 months ago
My 7 year old son has also done a odd behavior for a 7 year old he pees his pants at dads house and pees in odd places like in a closet in the corner of his bedroom. His sister said he peed into a piggy bank. Twice while at my home he pooped in his pants. Not diarrhea. Both times he pooped in his pants he was in the car. He denied doing this but it was obvious. I do not understand this behavior. Also my oldest son who just turned 9 has made comments about wanting to die. He has come up with very detailed stories about how he wanted his dad and his girlfriend to die or get hurt very bad. Then my youngest son talks about killing people. My 9 year old does not even call his dad daddy anymore he says him or that man. It so sad seeing my children like this. The other day right before the kids were to go back to dads house all three were in my daughters room. I heard her telling the boys to " just don't look at her when we get home just go straight to your room". She referring to dads girlfriend I have lost all confidence in the justice system because of way my case was handled and CP's sucks here in as. They do not care. Our cps system was supposed to be revamped by get new boss man and change name they have been worthless to help my children. First time I called CP's after dad got custody a cps investigator sat in my house, I was pregnant at the time with my now husband baby, this guy talked to dad and told me kids were living in a nice house had nice clothes and toys that dad seemed like a nice man that I should just move on and concentrate on the baby I am pregnant with and not worry about my other children. He ignored the complaint of medical neglect on my oldest son who has life long medical issues that need frequent monitoring by a Dr. To this day dad still neglects his medical needs. I am so sick of the constant fighting the system to get my kids help. I been fighting to help them since 2011 first time I left the dad. I am never going to give up but I fear for my and my children's safety all the time because dad has criminal past and a criminal mind.
Customer reply replied 2 months ago
We had a parent coordinator twice but judge said we needed to split cost 50/50 I have no money to pay the coordinator retainer fee and 125 an hour. I don't trust anyone anymore because everyone seems to believe my ex lies over my truths. I found out after the fact that psychologist who ex's lawyer chose they were personal friends. I found out she was a friend on ex's lawyer Facebook. Imagine my surprise. This whole case sound too unbelievable if I not live it I would not believe it.
It sounds like it has been years of frustration, fighting and pain. There has been little validation from any of the people working with your kids for what you believe and observe. However, getting 50/50 is significant and allows you to have the opportunity to have a positive impact on your kids and right now that is what you need to be focusing.
I am not suggesting that you don't continue to fight for your kids, but what is now in your control is the impact you can have on them in your home. It sounds like you have a husband and hopefully he can also be a positive influence. Continue to go to the school and hold your head up and overtime people will see that you are a caring mother. Your kids do need support. Does your son have accidents at school? Some of their behavior will eventually be reflected in school and the school will not be able to ignore it. I know you said they have not reacted to your son's aggressive behavior but they might react to something else. Hang in there!
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Customer reply replied 2 months ago
Thank you for listening I guess I am so frustrated. With everyone I seek help from ignoring my children I just want a neutral person to validate my concerns. It breaks my heart every time I have to watch my kids get upset when it time to go back to dad's. The boys beg me to let them stay with me my 9 year old asked me the other day. Why can't we say who we want to live with we are not invisible you know. I tell him mom and dad have to share time with them he responded with we are not toys that have to be shared. He got mad the other day at me and he said do you not want us either. It broke my heart he feels unwanted at dads I told him he is very wanted and loved. The kids love my husband and he loves them they said they wish he was their real dad which shows me they love and accept him. I am going to do what I know my kids need even if my ex wants to file contempt on me I can not ignore and do nothing I have fought since day 1 had to hand kids over to ex and I will continue to fight for them. Thanks for listening.
It is so tough to go through what you have and not have validation for your realty. To tolerate our children's pain is the hardest job for a parent and of course intensified in your circumstance. However, do not underestimate the importance of your influence on you children lives. It is crucial for them to know they have a secure place to be where people love them and they can express their feelings in a reasonable way. You know the pain of not being validated, so be sensitive to validating what they're going through. Sometimes all you can do is let them know you get it, but that is powerful. Comments like I understand how hard it is to have to go back to dads when you want to stay here but you know your step dad and I are here for you and you'll be back soon. When he makes a very astute comment about not being like toys that have to be shared, you can respond by saying "that is so helpful for me to understand how you feel what a great way for you to communicate your feelings". It is very significant that your husband gets along so well with your kids and they feel comfortable with him. You can reassure them that while he might not be their biological father that they are very special in his life and he loves them and this is what matters most. My other thought is for you to turn to your pediatrician for some support, let your children talk to your pediatrician alone. Share some of these challenges you're having i.e. anger issues, your 7 year olds accidents. Perhaps there can be a referral or he/she can make a recommendation.
You are a determined woman and you can put that to good use in nurturing and loving and being patient with your kids! I know it will make a difference in their lives.
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Please feel free to rate me and reach out in the future if I can be off further support!
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Please accept my response of you are satisfied
Juliet Cooper
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 51
Experience: Psychologist in private practice
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I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much

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