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In the past 7 years my husband and I have been through a lot…

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Hi,In the past 7 years...
Hi,In the past 7 years my husband and I have been through a lot with our families.My Family: I discovered my dad was having an affair 7 years ago and I told my mum, their relationship had been terrible for years and so they went their seperate ways and in the process they lost their home and business. Both have good jobs now and a home. However, my mum has done nothing to move on, is extremely pessimistic, manipulative and has put me through a lot and it's left me bitter and angry and has reached a point that I'm considering distancing myself from her as the relationship has become toxic. She loves me a lot but I'm treated as though I'm the parent and she's the child which I've tried to explain to her but it goes in one ear and out the other. Her sisters and my brother are also extremely frustrated with her as they've experienced the same.My Husband's Family: We were extremely close with his brother who introduced us. He and his wife started using hard drugs 5 years ago and my husband and I did all we could to intervene and we tried to move them onto a positive path, we helped them financially and supported their children's needs. We warned them that if they continued on their current path that they would lose everything they worked for and sure enough this has happened. They are now without a home, jobs and money and no longer communicate with us. At the time we reached out to the other family members for help and they weren't interested and now all they want to do is complain about the situation which is extremely frustrating to us as we tried so hard to help and continued to try even when the brother started treating us poorly.
My husband's father was seldom present during his childhood. I have been with my husband for 9 years and possibly in his fathers presence 5 times and very briefly. He's a compulsive liar. He's always in financial trouble and the only time my husband hears from him is when he needs money which he promises to pay back but never does. He doesn't even call my husband for his birthday or Christmas.I'm at a point where constantly having to nurture these adults is frustrating and takings it's toll on our happiness. This week I'm extremely frustrated because my husband's father didn't even wish him Happy Birthday for his 40th but commented to his sister that he did know it was his birthday but wasn't going to bother because he didn't hear from my husband this year which I think is extremely petty. I've laid awake for the past 2 evenings contemplating contacting his father because I feel hurt and frustrated for my husband.I'm not sure how to best manage these relationships so that my partner and I can get on with enjoying the good life that we have. I've gained a lot of weight in the past few years because of the constant stress and lack of energy I have as I'm always feeling drained by others and I don't want to be this way anymore. I'm starting to become unmotivated and uninterested as I feel I get 2 weeks of peace before one of the families starts causing problems.Please help with any advice you can offer.Thanks, Kristen
Submitted: 9 months ago.Category: Mental Health
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Answered in 18 minutes by:
8/6/2017
Mental Health Professional: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 9 months ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3,801
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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I'm so sorry to hear of this pain and deep struggle for both you and your husband. One thing I do hear is that the two of you are solid and it is when interacting with these family members that can take its toll on both of you and cause a lot of pain and hurt. It might be a good idea to sit down with your husband and discuss your boundaries around what you will accept what you will tolerate and truly what you want to do. It may mean that you choose not to have any type of communication with these family members if it is causing such a great toll. You both have gone out of your way for many family members and it is now time for you to care for yourself and your marriage. The best way to do this is to come together as a unit and decide what works best for you. I do not see any benefit contacting his father as I don't imagine you will affect any change in his behavior and it will only cause more stress and strife for you and possibly your relationship.
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Mental Health Professional: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 9 months ago
Please let me know how I can support you further.
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